I Wish It Were Meth. It'd Sound A Lot Cooler.

I have an addiction. Booze, you ask? Well, bad way to start, because I can't argue that one too well. It's not my fault that alcohol is so delicious. Marijuana? Meh. Already abused that one and gained fifteen pounds, watched countless animated films that were "soooo cool" and you know, sucked. Over that one. Meth? GOD I wish, guys. At least I wouldn't look so damn tired all the time.

It cost a measely ninety nine cents. And at this point, at least 4,234 hours of my life over the last few days. I am addicted to solitaire on my iPhone. (sidenote: see how I couldn't just say "phone"? GOD I love being a snob. But then I question if that's even snobby anymore, as I'm pretty sure even homeless guys own iPhone's these days. Am I still talking in a parentheses?)

I'll start from the beginning.

So I'm shopping for jeans with my mom and brother this weekend (I know, I know...WATCH OUT, awesome life police!), and as I'm heading into the dressing room, my mom asks to borrow my phone so she can play some solitaire. I then make fun of her, call her nerdy/ridiculous (which apparently you can do in real life, speak in either/or), purchase the app for her and laugh about the fact that my mother just asked to play an iPhone app because she was bored. Like, what? Anyways, where was I.

Then, just like any addiciton starts, I was sitting alone at home that afternoon. Considering my options...you know, either watch Gone in Sixty Seconds for the 274th time on TNT (which by the way, I get it TNT: You know drama. Just don't know drama by showing me the same film 14 times in one day) or go outside (EW!), I flick my little finger and see the glowing hum of the app staring at me. "C'mon Drew...hit me. Just one game." And so I hit the button.

Fast forward to bloodshot eyes and a guy sitting indian style on a floor rocking back and forth....taking hit after hit of the most ridiculously addicting game on the planet a few days later. (sidenote 2: is the saying "indian style" the MOST racist saying still in the english vernacular? When you won't lend someone money, you don't say you are just acting "Jew style", do you?)

It's at a cocaine level right now. It's like I see it. I know it's a bad idea. But I play one round...feel unsatisfied about 10 to 20 minutes later...and then think to myself, eh, just a little bit more. I can stop anytime I want. I CAN STOP ANYTIME I WANT. IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT I COULDN'T DRAW THE GOD DAMN BLACK SIX I NEEDED. IF I JUST HAD ONE MORE CHANCE.

Now here's the best part. I called my mom to yell at her for doing this to me. How many people have a mom who's an enabling drug dealer? New one for me. We get to talking about strategy, how great it is when you line up all the aces and realize you have every king in play and it's only a matter of time before the magic happens (no I'm serious, we legitimately "talked strategy" about a card game you play alone)...and then she tells me, "yeah, I mean, I can beat it in record time."

So of course, being ridiculous, I ask, "Yeah. Wait...how fast can you beat it?"

"My record is 3:58."

And you know what? Not only did I feel a competitive urge twitch in me...I was upset because I feel like she's blatantly lying. That is impossible. Really, mom? Can you brush your teeth in 13 seconds as well? I CALL BULLSHIT, ELLIE.

And so we jokingly argued. I'm serious. We argued about the time in which one can beat solitaire. On an iPhone. Wow.

So on that note, I'd like to argue that my mom is apparently on performance enhancing drugs. I don't know where she's getting them, but there is no way any honest solitaire player could do this. So hey, Ellie. Guess what? You just go ahead and claim that record. But to me? There will always be an asterisk by that time. You're a disgrace to the game.

In other news, things are going great. You know, just playing a single player card game on a phone, as I'm too lazy to even play the laziest game of all time with real cards. So that's cool, and not saying anything about me at all.

As a great end to the story, my next door neighbors came home today and saw me sitting on my porch playing the game on my phone.

"What uh, what's going on Drew?"

"Oh, you know, just trying to beat my mom's time at solitaire."

"Wow. You need to get laid, man."

At least I was outside?

Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.