I Think Publishers Clearing House Can Do Better Than A Ford Aerostar

I don't get why ghetto people love to wear Looney Tunes gear. So, before you start with the thought, "hey Drew, this looks like it may be veering towards racism.." let me qualify this one by saying that I could write an entire blog about weird shit white people do, I would. But hey, guess what? Someone already did. That site could also be called "stuff Drew likes" because I'm pretty sure I'm one huge white stereotype (he says as he blogs). Moving on.

I was on the train down to San Jose this weekend (don't ask) and I saw this incredibly jacked dude get on the train. He was more fit than I will ever be in my entire life. He's walking around, staring down people, hat brim all tilted off to the side, walking with that "don't fuck with me" walk, when I noticed something perplexing: he was wearing a jacket with a gigantic picture on the back...of Tweetie Bird. The best part? It had these tricked out letters that even read, "Tweetie Bird" (but if read out, you'd think it basically said, "YEAH, TWEETIE BIRD, MOTHEFUCKER"). And this is when I just get a little confused.

Why do gangsters l-o-v-e Looney Tunes? I mean, seriously. There is NOTHING hardcore about these characters. And it seems to throw off the whole "I'm hardcore" vibe when you're wearing a tricked out jacket...with like, sequins on it, and a miniature yellow bird. My favorite was that his pants had a huge decal on them that said "ryde or die, bitch". Gotcha. Gotta pick one man. Do I have to ride or die? Or do I have to love an adorable yellow bird that looks like it wants to kiss me or perch itself in my cute little pocket all day? My head hurts. Needless to say I said nothing and stared down. Because that's what awkward white guys do.

Publisher's Clearing House needs to work on it's delivery/How is this a real company.

I know it's everyone's dream to win millions of dollars. It'd be really fun. You could buy redonculous things like robot dogs or just pay for a guy whose sole job is to high five you randomly throughout the day (I've totally thought out my "what would I do with a million dollars/blank check" scenario a lot, and yes, I would hire someone to just high five me). Point being, people with millions of dollars have some money to throw around.

So here's where I get confused.

I was watching a Publishers Clearing House ad tonight (kind of a red flag of a company name to begin with, no?), and when they get to the big winner's house, they show up...in a Ford Aerostar. Really? Really. Because if I were a millionaire and I had the option of helicopter/leer jet/ferrari, I'd say "no no no, what's THAT in the corner...yes...that one. The minivan." And this is why I just wouldn't quite believe it when they showed up to my house.

How is this a company at all? Is this not the modern day equivalent of getting an email from a relative in Africa who just needs you to wire him $20,000 dollars because he's your long lost cousin? If a guy came up to my house in a Ford Aerostar and told me I'd just won a million dollars? I'd lock the door and call 911. Either he's on meth or he's about to stab me. Or both. Just my thought process.

Hey, Publishers Clearing House: maybe spring for the hummer or something next time.

A phone that comes with Google is not a feature.

I'm an Apple homer. I won't lie. But I love that companies are finally trying to best the iPhone (aka everyone in San Francisco's bestie that they have slumber parties with every night). I got MORE excited when the new phone coming out that would apparently beat up the iPhone was either made by a terminator or was actually sent from the future to destroy me. This was exciting in a lot of ways.

So you know what it turns out the main selling point of these new robot droid "I will kill you" phones is? It comes with Google.

Um, what?

You're telling me it comes with a search engine? It comes with a line of products that are free and actually come with "the internet"? WOW! You just blew up my mind with a missle. So apparently, in the future, phones are going to come with search engines and email. Phew. I was worried I'd be stuck with the phone that came with phone calls. Thanks, robot phone!

C'mon guys. Try harder. Tell me it shoots lasers. Lie if you have to. Because for me to get rid of the iPhone, which comes with hapiness and "everything works", you're going to have to tell me this phone is going to kill me unless I buy it. It seems like an empty threat to tell me that this phone will destroy me with search results and google maps.

On that note: it's 2010...where the FUCK are the hoverboards? Where are the laser guns? WHY ARE DIPPIN' DOTS NOT THE ICE CREAM OF THE PRESENT YET??

With that I give you Rocket Shoes Mixtape 19: I Should Have A Hoverboard By Now (preferably one that can fly on water, McFly)

Stream it up top, or download all the mp3's here for "the free".

Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.