I Got So Sober Last Night, Dude.

Dude, I got so sober last night. Ridic. Like, shit went off. Were you even there? At Trader Joes? I can't even remember man, I was so sober, just buying lentils and shit. At one point I think I was grabbing affordable chicken breasts marinated in balsamic and rosemary and totally eating handfuls of those everything pretzel chips, straight out the bag, yo. At one point I saw people throwing those pretzel nuggets with the peanut butter in them in the air. No dude, seriously, girls were catching them in their mouths. I tried to snap a pic , but then I got caught up looking at those sweet sunrise pics I took at the beach the other day when I went for an early run. I dropped a Brannan filter on that shit, dude. You should see it. Light flares were everywhere, I was tweetin' like, "Look at how sober I am on a Saturday, yo!" I sure wish I had those chicks eating the pretzels now though, man. That was hot.

We went to get tapas at around four o'clock that day, dude. I was like, "WHERE THEM SMALL PLATES AT? Don't skimp on the Tuna Tartare, I'll send it back if their aren't at least four wonton crackers carefully balanced between those cubes of freshly caught ahi, motherfucker." When the waiter was like, "you guys want still or sparkling?" I was like, "oh hell no, bring that stuff with bubbles, man. We're getting straight sober tonight."

I left for a bit to hit a spin class. Yeah, just to get a little cardio in so I could get good, restful sleep that night and not feel bad about my caloric intake from all those tapas. Some people have been doing that hard shit. Pilates and that Bikram, yo. But I dunno, I've got an addictive personality, and I don't want people judging. Anyway, I get pretty high off a good spin class, so no need to overdo it.

Yeah, I'm so awake today, dude. I haven't been this awake since that last time we got all sober on that one Wednesday. Yeah, man, remember that? That one in April? You came home at a moderate hour and were like, "man, I might catch up on my DVR tonight." And then I was all, "cool, I'm pretty tired and might just fall asleep about three quarters of the way into a documentary on Netflix." We got crazy sober that night and were like, "NEVER again!" Guess what? BOOM. Blew that one.

I know, I know. I'm thinking of slowing down, don't worry. It's just like, it's always "I just gotta get one thing at Target" or "I'm totally out of t-shirts and gotta do laundry and they shut off the dryer at 9pm." And then before you know it, i'm all crazy sober again talking about training for a half marathon with four other sober people. I sorta wonder if everyone at work notices when I get in all early.

I can stop whenever I want though. It's not like a problem. I could seriously go out tonight and get drunk. But like, I don't want to, you know? Like, whatever: I wanna send out massive amounts of network invitations on LinkedIn tonight, so what. I'm almost 30 and it's like, this is what I'm into. If you aren't, you know…no big deal. You live your life and I'll live mine. I hate people who are all judgmental.

Anyway, I gotta run. This girl I just started seeing hasn't seen a single episode of Friday Night Lights and I was like WHAAAT. We have GOT to get all sober and watch that on your couch! I'm just happy I finally met someone as wild as I am. Can you imagine the crazy sleep we're gonna get together?

Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.