I Didn't Know You Were Interested In Me Like That, @19Virgin69...

Twitter, in general, is an odd place. I am the first to admit that I'm a tad obsessed with it. I think the selling point for me was this: if you talk way too much, and sometimes people don't listen to you and this upsets you, just go to twitter. You can say things here, and if no one listens to you? You'll NEVER know it! It's also kind of like drunk texting the entire world. All at once. And drunk texting, while a horrible idea, is absolutely fantastic. Moving on. It's kind of exciting when someone follows you on twitter, right? It's like someone saying, "hey, I enjoy you." You feel like you got picked for the basketball team or something. It's nice. When it's a random person you don't know? This to me is oddly the highest form of flattery. It means your useless shouting IS enjoyable to someone. Just think how much happier crazy homeless people would be if you could follow them on twitter. I mean, you're homeless, and then some guy says, "Oh hey man, I loved that crazy thing you tweeted last night about how you gotta put the lotion in the basket and then you said you were going to eat a cat! HILARIOUS! Were you wasted, or WHAT??" People love to be recognized. Maybe it's a strange pathetic part of human nature, but there's something nice about someone noticing you.

And that's why my biggest let downs lately have been all the fake porn profiles that have started following me. I get an email from twitter, I kind of anxiously peer into what interesting new person I don't know is following me, and it turns out to be...katarina6969, who "just wants fuck all time who boys want party?" So in honor of all these loyal new followers I've accumulated,  I've decided today to go through a few of my favorite adders and discuss a little about what I really liked about them.

1. @txdollg8g8


Let's start with her name. Lora, not "Laura". This tells me she's a unique and free spirit, that she doesn't just play by the rules and use conventional spellings like everyone else. No, no...Lora lives on the edge. Now, Lora's handle also tells me a few personal things about her, and I really like that she's willing to share that. She's from Texas...and by saying that she's a "texas doll", I can only imagine that this girl is a serious flirt! You minx, Lora. In her bio, she keeps it conversational. By starting with "here goes nothing", I can tell she's nervous about this "twitter" thing, but she's willing to give it a shot. After all, she loves biking, horse back riding, and did she say slumber parties....tell me MORE, Lora. Tell me MORE.

Upon clicking on Lora's website, it turns out Lora is actually into porn and really intense slumber parties. My slumber parties now seem REALLY lame compared to Lora's, in fact.

2. @19Virgin69


What I really like about 19Virgin69 is the subtlety she is going with. She could have been blunt about the fact that maybe, just maybe, she likes to party...but instead, she wants me to get to know her first over at her website. I can tell she's into the arts because she's a dancer...and a webcam model. I thought about being a little forward with her and asking if she'd like to come over late one night...but...I dunno. She doesn't sound like the type of girl who just gets in bed with anyone. Plus, I mean, she's a virgin. She's just waiting for the right guy..."are you him?" God I hope so, 19Virgin69...God I hope so...

3. @KellyBeachbabe8


What I enjoy the most about Kelly (I can call her that, we're twitter friends), is that her name implies that "KellyBeachbabe" #'s 1-7 weren't available as handles. It's a bummer too, because she seems like the hottest KellyBeachbabe, so maybe the others should just let her have the screen name already. What's cool about Kelly is that she just seems to be about going outside (OMG JUST LIKE ME!) and playing volleyball, hanging out, whatever. As long as there's a beach, sounds like Kelly and I are both gonna have a "sun-is-out-fun-is-out" attitude! I dig that about her. She also loves hanging with the "gurlies", not the girlies. That's how I know she's playful and fun. When I clicked through to her website, it appears she's also into filming herself having graphic sex. Well, you think you know a person, and then...

4. @pornvids


Last, but not least, my personal favorite: pornvids. You know why I like you, pornvids? Because while Kelly, 19Virgin69 and Lora led me on and then pulled the rug out, you just let me know right away what you were all about. Porn. Porn vids, to be exact. And so you know what? High five, pornvids. I'm a little freaked out by the fact that your most recent update is "cock-hungry shemale", as these aren't my exact interests in this department.

But you make up for it by having a profile picture with a cat staring at boobs in it.

Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.