I Can Chip In The 54 Cents If That Helps

So I don't know if you've heard, but the economy isn't doing that well. You know how when you were a kid, and you were kind of bummed that you only had like twelve dollars to your name? Because that meant that you probably couldn't buy my buddy/kid sister? It kind of seems like EVERY business on the planet America woke up and thought, "oh shit, I only have like twelve bucks left." Except change my buddy/kid sister to "everything that makes the world work", and that's what people/businesses can't afford these days. This guy I know re-tweets the national debt every week (and by "guy I know" I mean this guy who's an "internet friend" who I met once at a company bowling party. I know, I'm awesome. Say it out loud) and right now, it's at $10,626,078,634,370.54 (I love the fifty four cents. Really? I mean, round up at that point). Honestly though. That sounds like a number I'd make up in middle school if someone told me I could charge them anything for my new Air Jordan's, and then we'd giggle at how silly of a number that was and I'd go be bad at sports in good shoes again. I know it's not funny at all. But the thing is, it's getting oddly hilarious what companies are cutting back these days. Did you hear the post office is thinking about not delivering the MAIL six days a week anymore? Just like, cutting back a day to save a little cash? Um, really? It's not as though my life would be over if my subscription to US Weekly took an extra day to show up (yeah, I have a subscription to US Weekly. Judge away), but the US Postal Service is cutting back? I just feel like that's a little alarming. I just find it ironic that it's gonna take longer for me to get the bills I have to pay now. Seems like maybe we should focus on some other things first. You know, like maybe we all just sit down and decide that just by default, it's unnecessary to light Las Vegas with 1.21 gigawatts every night. Maybe we could take the savings there from the guys who run Las Vegas (who clearly seem to have lots of moneys) and apply it to the national mail carrier. Just me, but I think it's worth a thought.

The best, though, is that we were all kind of wondering quietly if maybe Starbucks was making poor business decisions for a while here. You know, maybe it was unnecessary to open four hundred billion coffee shops. Just in general. Because there ARE blocks in NY where there are more than one Starbucks. And the last time I checked, i'm not ordering a large coffee (NOT A FUCKING VENTI, STARBUCKS. A LARGE), grabbing it, and immediately challenging someone to a death-hot beverage chugging contest so I could make sure I could hit up the Starbucks that is coming up in 500 feet again. Their business model seemed to be "really fucking bad" on a scale of "good" to "poor". Well I heard today they were going to close 300 stores, fire 6,000 store workers and fire another 700 corporate folks. While I think they could have made this decision a couple of years ago (honestly, how many people does it take to pour a cup of coffee/froth milk? 16 people per shift Starbucks? this seems aggressive), I just think it's crazy that the economy even has super-mega-conglomorate-globo-corporations (which is a real phrase) pissing in their pants and freaking out. I mean, how the hell are we supposed to feel when this is happening to STARBUCKS, people? Where are they going to be just like us anymore? I guess the grocery store. Until they close those, which wouldn't even shock me at this point. Honestly, if I woke up and heard "food" went out of business, I'd probably just mosey along and figure it's been awesome but I better start with the hunter-gathering.

I guess my point...while I never have one...is that this is pretty scary. And the root of it all is that I honestly woke up the other day and thought about the fact that anyone can lose their job at this point, and that this actually really scares me more than anything, because it got me thinking: I can't tie a tie. I'm screwed if I have to start interviewing again. And i'm being honest. Every formal event I've gone to? Someone ties it for me in front of a mirror, asks me if I got it, followed by me saying, "yeah totally." Then I fail to tie the tie. They stare at me with a look like, "really? were you listening at all?" Followed by me gazing back with a look that says, "Yes. Wait, but no." And then they tie it for me because I'm a big boy and I just act like I'm totally a grown up the whole night even though I know the truth... But if I gotta go back out there? I'm screwed. So here's hoping somebody figures something out. Or superman comes down to earth and punches the economy in the face after a GINORMOUS battle, thus sending it off to the planet Zorgon...which can't happen on so many levels both metaphorical and reality-wise, but it would be awesome nevertheless.

In other news, I got almost all of my facts from today's post from Perez Hilton. I am pretty sure this says a lot about me. But I'm also pretty sure that means I'm awesome.

I'll see you at the mailbox on Saturday when we're all standing outside pissed that US Weekly hasn't shown up yet. I'll be the one holding the fifty four cents.

Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.