I'm neurotic. That word is an understatement for me. It's like saying a porn star is "kind of" into having sex. That level of understatement.
It's funny most of the time. Because sometimes I wonder if I could be any more of a Jew if I tried. I love hanging out with my Mom, I have a big nose, I completely and totally relate to Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld. Most importantly, though...
I'm a gigantic hypochondriac.
I can't just be sick when I'm sick...I'm dying. I'm dying of a disease they haven't heard of yet. Anything to me is a sign of some gigantic symptom the doctor's missed my whole life. Malaria. Maybe polio came back. Who knows. I probably have it if I get a runny nose.
Sometimes I'll call my Mom or brother and this is how the conversation will go.
Mom: "So what's new, bub?"
Drew: "Not too much. I've been kind of tired lately. I don't know, it weirds me out a little. I started having this weird chest pain...which may be because i'm not sleeping. I don't know. I think it's from Advil. I read the warnings and it could have something to do with that. My arm hurts lately, too."
Mom: "I meant 'how are you' in a more...not crazy way. As in how's work. Or have you seen any movies lately. And it's Advil, Drew. Nobody dies from Advil."
Drew: "Actually, I looked it up. They have. Did you know you can OD on Advil? Oh, and I saw The Lovely Bones. That movie is shit. Don't watch it. How are you doing?"
This is pretty much a conversation from a Tuesday. Like, any Tuesday. Pick a Tuesday. I'm dying then.
Living alone, when you talk to people less...it's got me thinking about how neurotic I am when no one is looking. All of the sudden, I turned up the dial on "batshit crazy" because no one can tell me when they come home, "Hey Drew, stop acting batshit crazy." To this point, I started making mental note of things I think I'm probably slowly dying of or what chronic disease I have that will never go away.
- I fully believe I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Why, you ask? Because my thumb hurts lately. I stretch it awkwardly during the day. It's probably because I'm going to lose my hand and will never be able to write again. What's even more ironic is writing about the fact that you have Carpal Tunnel, a disease caused by writing too much. Hey irony, come in. I made you dinner. If you don't believe I'm actually neurotic enough to think I have Carpal Tunnel, please see the photo below of a product I bought, and wear every night lately.
I like that it's energizing. Like, what? What does that even mean? Anyways, my hand is going to fall off. I'm not even questioning if I have Carpal Tunnel. See a doctor? Of course not. Would you call a doctor to talk about having this disease even if you had it? No. That's embarassing. I'd rather get tested for STD's. If it's not Carp Tun it's MS. Because that is (obviously) the only other thing that could cause my symptoms. Obviously, I'm hoping for the Carp.
- I think I have ruined my stomach by taking Advil. I take too much Advil. Because of this, both my liver and stomach are slowly deteriorating and I'm dying. I'd stop, but at this point why bother, the damage is already done. It would never have to do with poor eating habits or the fact that sometimes people get heartburn. Instead, I'm sure that it's a larger case of "I'm dying" caused by ibuprofen. I'm not joking, I actually have said out loud "I think it's because I take too much Advil." Which, yeah, I'm fairly sure is impossible. But I'd rather go with my gut. HEY oh!
- I have two cysts in my arm that, as has been explained to me by family, are just things many of my family has had a history of and are benign. A doctor even told me they are in no way problematic one time. However, I irrationally believe they are growing. They are probably cancerous and it's certain that one day I'll wake up and my arm won't work up. Instead of, again, doing something about this, I plan on waiting until the arm falls off, at which point I will use my other arm to call my Mother to say, "I TOLD YOU SO. I TOLD YOU SO." I feel confident in the strategy.
- I stubbed my toe bad when I was a kid. Pretty sure I broke it. To this day, when it rains, my foot hurts. While this could just be because I probably broke the bone and it didn't set right (it's my pinky toe, if you want to up the ridiculous factor), I'm pretty sure it's because I have gangreen and one day I'm going to wake up and my whole foot will be black. At this point, I will realize that I never broke the toe after all and I will be a glass half person and be excited about that. Then my foot will fall off. Because I have gangreen.
- Every time my back hurts and I then get a headache, I am positive I have meningitis because I read some thing about meningitis sometime. I can't even tell you anything about meningitis. I probably have some form of it that won't present itself until I get a headache. So essentially, if I have a headache, that's because I have meningitis.
I could probably go on for hours. I just got a headache (seriously), so that's probably just the meningitis acting up. Writing this has also caused my arm to hurt a bit (the carp tun, obvi), so I should probably put my brace on. Believe me, it's difficult being me.
So if you want to hang out, I suggest we do it soon. Seriously, hurry up. I'm dying. All the time.
Stream the whole thing above.