How To Sound Angry On The Internet

There are a lot of very nice people on the internet. They read things, relate to them, maybe even give you a gold star and go on their merry way. It's nice. It makes you wanna keep throwing your macaroni art on the fridge. Because, hey, if it makes someone feel good? That's certainly cheaper than therapy for both of you.

For every nice person, though, there's "that guy."

If you've ever read anything on the internet (which I know you're doing right now so we're one step ahead), you know exactly who I'm talking about. Angry Comment Guy.

He's certainly allowed to do it if I'm allowed to post anything I want, right? And hell, not everyone is going to like everything you write. Actually? A LOT of people won't. But that's why we have amazon.com, the iTunes store, and Google: you can go buy or search for the "anything but this" you desire. I'm okay with that. I guess the minute you post something on the internet and say, "now does anyone have any comments?" You might wanna realize that a few of them aren't going to be rainbows and butterflies. But it certainly leaves you scratching your head as to how people get so angry. 

The thing that I've noticed, though, is that there's a real art to being angry on the internet. If you analyze it and look closely, there are Rain Man-esque patterns that they follow. It's captivating to watch Angry Comment Guy fly out of control...like watching a drunk guy challenge an inanimate object to a fight.

I've had the recent luck of experiencing Angry Comment Guy in all his glory in the comments section, and wanted to share a few things I've noticed about how it works.

This is how to sound angry on the internet.

1) Misspell words. Nothing will convey to people how angered you are than the misspelling of words. This way, we'll all be able to imagine someone so instilled with rage that they, "culd nat even try to spell theyr werds currectly!" We will be able to imagine an actual argument that would occur in the real world. Loud noises! Sighing and grunting! Overreaction!

2) Read something you already knew you would dislike; react to it. It is in your best interest to find something that you will strongly dislike and read it in it's entirety. Think of it like this: are you a vegan? Go to a steak house and act outraged that there is no almond butter. Your anger will be predictable, yet deserved: we should have made the steak house vegan for you. Makes total sense.

3) Give an anonymous email in your response, so others cannot react to you. This will hammer home the fact that, while you are upset and want to react to someone's transparency? You in no way want to reciprocate, but still want to voice your opinion. If this seems like it's a little too easy...

4) Give a humorous fake email address in your response. This will say, "you are not clever, I AM clever" while also giving the audience a hearty chuckle at just how much more humorous you are. If someone tries to respond to you? What an idiot! die@ihateyou.com isn't a real email address! Silly happy internet goer. Some sample email addresses to get you started: fuck@you.com, ihate@you.com, youreastupid@face.com, angryangry@hippo.com.

5) Use big words. This will say to everyone that you have gone to college (undergrad at least!) and probably nailed the verbal on your SAT's. A "vapid" here and a "loquacious" there will go a long way in hammering this home. The internet isn't fun: it's serious and it is about huge words. Don't let people forget that. Bonus angry points: use a cuss word after the big word, but use a "so crass it's something only an intelligent person would use" cuss word, like c*nt.

6) Make vague allusions to the fact that you went to grad school. If there's one thing we know about bloggers: they didn't go to grad school. Heaven knows that you can't write something if you didn't read James Joyce.

7) Latch on to other angry people and comment on everything they say. Make sure you only say things like "agreed!" or "yeah!" This will surely let everyone know that you agree with other angry people, and that if you two were at a cocktail party? You would point and laugh while eating dull foods together whilst complaining about everyone at the party, even though you are attending the same party as them.

8 ) Comment at least 6-8 times on the same post that you dislike. One time says "I read this in passing, I dislike it and you." Anything over one time? That says you disliked it so much that you in NO ironic manner reread the thing you disliked. It also says, "i'm not sure if I'm making myself clear." This way, it will most definitely be clear.

9) Write an entire blog post in the comments section of the blog you strongly dislike. This way, people will have to come to that blog and read it themselves to read your strong, yet well thought out criticisms of said blog. Now you've got them where you want them.

10) Discuss how no one cares about this post. Because that's why you are taking the time to write about it: you don't care. If people can't see that, they probably didn't go to grad school. If that didn't make sense, please revisit #6.

If none of this is working for you: go to a site called "Rocket Shoes", in which the author states that he has a "black belt in feelings." If this guy isn't a Proust scholar...

Man, the internet is in trouble.

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.