How to not get someone to write about your band.

A few years back, I started a different blog-ish thing called tiny little rockets where I post songs that I like from time to time. I'm extremely hyperbolic about everything that I post, I make absolutely no intelligent commentary regarding the composition of said songs...it's honestly the closest thing you can get to a teenager staying up late at night listening to songs on his headphones, imagining that what he's listening to is the ONLY thing that matters in the ENTIRE world and NO one gets it but him. To be clear though: I'm not a music blogger, because I'm not writing a thing that is informative or well thought out. I try to be pretty upfront about that when people write me asking me to post music for their band, their record label, etc. I am a guy who likes to write who fucking loves music and I like to post songs I think, hey, people might like. If you send me something and it sounds nice? Sure! Why not. You seem like a nice person, thanks for writing me, person who wrote.

What I’m not good at telling you about is a song’s syncopation, its derivative qualities, etc. Honestly? I sorta don’t give a shit about that stuff (nor am I smart enough to get it), and if you really do you’re probably the guy at the party who everyone really doesn’t like talking to.

You know what I’m good at? Telling you about a song that might make you happy. Do you know what I’m not good at? Being a shitty music industry blowhard.

So when I received this “post my music” pitch email from a guy named “Swole” the other day, my heart melted. Swole probably doesn’t realize that while I’m shitty at writing about music (kidding, he realizes that!), I’m FANTASTIC at writing like a snarky, sarcastic asshole. So.

In the spirit of getting back to having fun on this thing (sorry, Swole brah!) here is my line-by-line analysis of my email pitch I received from Swole, who is reachable at this email address listed below if you have any Swole azz questions.

Screen Shot 2013-08-19 at 2.14.43 PM

To: andrewhoolhorst@gmail.com From: Swole Ludberg <grubot2044@gmail.com> Subject: Your blog is weak and here’s why

Andy,

(My name is not Andy. Does it say my name is Andy somewhere, Swole? You crazy banana, just runnin’ around making up names n’ shit! Okay, okay, only *you* can call me Andy. It’ll be our thing that we tell people about years from now when we're at dinner parties. This is exciting! It’s early and we’re already starting *things* together!)

You fancy yourself a trendsetter and tastemaker, when the undeniable reality is that much of your content is recycled.

(Caught red handed on this one, Swole cat. It’s definitely undeniable, and I can’t help but say you’re right: the songs that I post are songs that other people have admitted to liking and/or also hearing. I keep looking for a band of people who only play trees with mythical minotaurs in a forest and don’t allow people to record it, but, alas…nothing yet. Nothing yet.)

All the bands you blog about have two things in common: 1) Ineveitably another blog has already written about them and 2) they suck.

(So, wait, you’re saying you do read what I write? That’s FANTASTIC, Swole! The subject line sorta hinted that you listen to enough to tell me that my blog is weak and that you’d surely tell me why, but I didn’t know you had cross-checked many blogs, which would necessitate an incredible amount of time. Sorry, I’m rambling, go on. I thought about stopping after you told me I sucked, but call me a girl in a horrible relationship with an emotionally abusive boyfriend, I JUST CAN’T STOP!)

If you were really on your game, then you would’ve discovered The Muggies already.

(Wait. This is a music pitch? You just said that my blog sucked. It’s confusing but I like it.)   I’m not going to send links or attach mp3’s- if you really are the “journalist” you claim to be, then follow your nose for news and find them.

(Two things here. 1] So, you want me to post your band but don’t want to tell me how to because you hate me? Also, 2] Wait, was that a Toucan Sam reference? I FUCKING LOVE FRUIT LOOPS, SWOLE. I WAS READY TO CLOSE THE EMAIL BUT GO THE FUCK ON.)

If you actually take the time out from cutting and pasting from Pitchfork,

(I get it, because you hate mainstream blogs, and Pitchfork is a recognizable mainstream blog that makes me question if I’m really pushing myself journalistically on a blog hosted on Tumblr.)

you’ll discover that The Muggies are original, exciting, and most importantly they write great songs.

(That’s true. That does seem like the most important quality, and I’m glad you focused on that. Seems like you’ve thought this through AND you know the golden rule of writing: everything in three’s. Seems like your writing knowledge is pretty “swole”, Swole. Eh? EH??)

If you want to stay following trends awash a sea of reverb, then by all means keep up the mediocre work.

(You flirt, you. Telling me I suck earlier, but now upgrading me to mediocre? Thanks, Beyonce! Also, “trends awash a sea of reverb”? Are you a writer, Swole? I feel that sentence. As though my brittle bones are struggling to swim in an ocean of independent music.)   If you want to truly achieve the promise of your blog, then seek out The Muggies and enjoy the aural ecstasy that ensues. Thanks, have a great day!

(No, thank YOU Swole! I didn’t see this finale coming, but it feels pretty good. I feel like we started at hate and here we are at congratulate. You know how to beat em up and give em a hand. Now WHERE can I found those little muggies of yours? I’m too busy combing Pitchfork, brosef.) peace n’ luv, Swole

(One love, Swole cat. One love. Love always, Andy.)

--

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 71: Songs Swole Probably Thinks Are Weak

rocket shoes mixtape

STREAM IT at the links below:

DISC 1

DISC 2

DOWNLOAD ALL OF THE MP3′s at the links below:

DISC 1

DISC 2

 

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.