Hey Edward, You're A Vampire: Be a Little More Sexually Promiscuous

So for starters, I think I'm on Team Jacob after tonight. Let me explain. I went into tonight with an open mind. I say this because, well, as a 27 year old male, I went to see New Moon. In a theater. Which should state a lot about, you know, your life. But I did. You know why? Because I also have a subscription to US Weekly and say things often like, "You know, I hear octo-mom said she's cool with having more kids, which I just think is ridiculous!" I think about these things. Like, for real. I just don't see what seeing a teenage girl vampire movie is going to do to kill my man-card credibility at this point.

But I went, and I left with a lot of thoughts running in my head. For starters, I thought about the fact that I saw a movie that contemplated whether or not someone should date a vampire or a werewolf. Then I thought about this: why is this an argument? Watch these movies, it's a serious no contest. And here's why.

Bella has two choices. You see, she WANTS to date the vampire Edward. She does. But he's a vampire, so he does shit like look tired (as anyone who's been alive forever should...stay with me) and continuously talk about how he's depressed. Who would EVER like a guy like that (again, ladies, still single over here). You know what else he does? The same crap that emo kids do: he leads her on and then complains about how hard life is and that people would just be better off without him in their lives. Oh boo fucking hoo, Edward. You're a vampire. It could be worse. Because guess what? We're not all permanently attractive and we don't all have a perfectly acceptable reason for killing anyone. Grow up. Oh, what's that? You're over 100 years old? I mean, see a psychiatrist about your abandonment issues. He's pale, and he cries a lot. Pretty sure this is where most girls would opt out, but hey, that's just me assuming again.

So guess what he does at the beginning of the movie (spoiler alert for anyone who is 16 and is worried they can't guess the plot of the "vampire movie where they don't have sex ever, thus defeating the purpose of a vampire movie"). He tells Bella that it's just gonna be too hard if they date, and he just stops calling her. Girls LOVE that. And poor Bella's only other option, you ask?

A guy named Jacob. He has zero body fat, likes her a lot, and does man things like fix cars and drive trucks. Oh, one other thing: HE'S A WOLF. I know, right? He just jumped on the "holy shit that's awesome"-o-meter about 2,476 notches. He hangs out with only good looking people, and doesn't seem to have parents that set any rules besides "don't be a wolf all the time, just when it looks cool." You know what else he doesn't do all the time? Complain about everything. I have just described a guy that most girls would probably date. If he were an asshole, every girl on the planet IS dating this guy right now (hey o! i'll be here all week). I know what you are thinking: "But Drew, my boyfriend is an asshole and not a wolf." And to that I say, how do you know? Because if your qualifier is "well he never has ripped pants" I would say that our friend Jacob has magical not-rippy-pants that come and go as they please. So keep an eye on that guy, ladies. If he ever says something like, "I just want to go stand on a rock and stare at the moon all night," well, I called it. I called it.

Now, again, I don't want to ruin the "holy-shit-this-movie-is-predictable" movie for you, but let's just say Bella might be a little indecisive. But this is where my confusion lies: how is this in any way a contest? That would be like if you told me I could date a clinically depressed girl who couldn't get a tan or a girl who only wore bikini's...like, even when it's raining inexplicably...and also seems to just really want to do it with me. I want to believe I'd think it over for about 13 seconds (because oddly, I do believe I'd be like "well what's the clinically depressed girl's favorite band...and how clinically depressed are we talkin' here...") and then I'd go with the pretty much always naked girl.

Bottom line: I left tonight not believing a thing about this movie. And not at all because it was about an age-old vampire/werewolf battle. But because I just don't think Bella would have to even flip a coin on this one. But as usual, even in the movies, the universe laughs at me and then does things that make no sense.

Hey, Edward: YOU'RE A VAMPIRE. YOU HAVE A BRITISH ACCENT. YOU ARE FAIRLY FIT. Get out there and score some vampire ass. You're pissing the rest of us off who don't have these factors on our side, you pouty bitch.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go wonder how I just wrote a 1,000 word essay on a teen vampire film. And truly thought about it and weighed the pros and cons of an argument about it.

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2009 Andrew Hoolhorst!

I'm pretty sure this guy should be able to score some vampire ass. I mean that in the most not-heterosexual way possible.

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.