Happy Gwumpy Singlestines Day

Here's how to be single on Valentine's Day: tell everyone you know that you hate Valentine's Day. When they don't ask for any more detail on why this is the case, immediately tell them it's a retarded Hallmark holiday that was made up so some asshole could make money. Tell them that it's not actually about love anymore and that it never was, anyway. And then, presumably, tell them you'll be attending some ironic "I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY" party, and in no way at this point should you see any irony in the fact that you're going to a party to meet someone else who's single whom you can celebrate Valentine's Day with and/or hopefully fall in love with.

I'm as cynical as the next guy. Actually, that's an understatement: like a person in rehab saying they might have a drug problem. I've complained about Valentine's Day in the past (you usually can't explain anything in a way that makes people relate unless you've actually been that asshole). But for some reason this year, I feel like single people are louder than ever about how much they hate Valentine's Day (spoiler alert: Twitter and Facebook were invented). I feel like that's making all of us normal (I use that word with extreme caution and pause) single people feel like we're at a party with a bunch of people in relationships and the obnoxious single people are the loud drunk who's running into people and spilling their drink: someone get them a goddamn cab.

I mean. What's so wrong with Valentine's Day? I'm not saying I wake up like it's my birthday, but really: it's a holiday about people being batshit crazy in love. Which is exactly what every single person wants to be eventually. So why can't people just get behind that? Don't give me some diatribe about how, "you don't care, you love being alone." I'm with you, I get it.

But I think I spend half of my life saying this to people of the opposite sex in the hopes that we will agree, then sleep with each other and in turn not love being alone because oh my god I can't wait to see her. We're all just looking for someone to give the, "I Choo Choo Choose You!" Valentine's Day card to, let's be real.

It's ironic that people hate a holiday so much, then in turn go to events about hating it to meet other people who hate it so they can fall in love and then not go to that same event next year. You know why? They'll have Valentine's Day plans. Really adorable Valentine's Day plans that involve inside jokes and outlandishly cute personal gifts that only the other would understand. Because that's what love does to people: it makes them optimistic and adorable.

And a lot of my good friends are these people. Some are married. Some have been dating for years. Some were part of the bitter singles army just last year and have only recently put on their rainbows and butterflies glasses. And you know what? I like that they're happy. I don't want to be the asshole single guy who ruins this day for them. You know why? Because I don't want them to show up to my birthday party acting like a dick. And to be honest, I can't wait to be just like them: because everyone wants someone to watch bad movies in sweatpants with.

Maybe that's the point, though: us single people have some grandiose idea in our head that this is some day of epic proportions for all couples. I think for a lot of them? It's just another day where they eat dinner. Quite frankly, we probably care about it more than them because we're the ones not in a relationship. In a way, being single sometimes feels like you lost musical chairs. More than anything, it's just awkward because you feel like everyone's staring at you. But that's the thing: people always think other people are watching their every move, when most of us are just selfishly watching ourselves and not really giving a crap about whether or not you got your bangs cut too short. Seriously, I don't care and I didn't notice. You look great.

Maybe I bumped my head on the optimism stick. Maybe I'm tired of people who are in their late twenties acting like it's the end of the world if they aren't married yet. Honestly, people in their late twenties need to just calm the f*%k down. Guys: we don't have herpes (if you do, this joke is really not funny and I'm not gonna lie, you should be a little concerned and it's at least going to be noticeably more difficult for you, just sayin'). It's just Monday and we don't have someone to give an adorable card to. It's not the end of the world. So let's all just calm down and realize that maybe, just maybe, Valentine's Day actually has the potential to be kind of great.

Hey, you can unabashedly hit on someone today and blame it on a holiday. It's like the entire singles population got a hall pass on drunk dialing for a day.

So this is me telling angry single people to just slow down. You'll probably be giving someone some overly sappy card this time next year.

And when that happens, make sure to say thank you to Hallmark

Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.