Facts About The Holidays

The other day I was at Target for the second time in the same week and I walked by an aisle full of Christmas decorations. This astounded me for a few reasons.

1) I was at Target for the second time in the same week. Why was I at Target for the second time in the same week? Did I think a new scent of deodorant had come out since Tuesday? Had I run out of the deodorant I bought that Tuesday, and if so, why had I been applying so much? Were my armpits okay?

2) Not only is it too early to discuss Christmas, they had passed over two other holidays because they were that excited to get to it.

Target CMO: "So, Bob, here's our plan for Halloween this year.." 

Target CEO: "F*ck Halloween. Let's go straight to Christmas." 

Target CMO: "Bob, Thanksgiving is before Christmas. We'd be skipping two major holida…"

Target CEO: "THANKSGIVING IS A HORRIFIC STORY AND HOLIDAY, JIM. A HORRIFIC STORY AND HOLIDAY."

3) No, seriously: It's way too early to be talking about Christmas.

Logically, because of #3? I'm going to.

They win. They got me thinking about the holidays aggressively early. And oddly, the only thing I can think about is how much I dislike most people's holiday cards every year. Why aren't they ever funny? Why is everyone so god damn serious in/on them?

Logically, I started thinking about how I'd change it if I had any initiative (which I don't).

And these are the greeting cards I would make if I did.

Introducing my theoretical holiday greeting card line..

Facts About The Holidays

Fact: 

Mrs. Claus was Jewish (her original name was Berkowitz). You can imagine how hard it was for Santa the first Christmas he brought her home. Luckily, his mother understood, and that's how Chrismukkah was born. They're a model for inter-faith relationships to this day.

(Her mom still wishes she'd met a nice young Jewish man with a "real job" that wasn't only employed seasonally. Maybe a lawyer or a doctor. She's not picky.)

Fact:

Rudolph had a "red nose" for a reason. That's why he joined the sleigh team. It was the ninth step.

Hey, if a reindeer like him can get clean and have a Christmas song written about him? Anyone can.

Fact: 

If the plot for the movie Home Alone were real?

Kevin's parents would probably be arrested by child services, and he'd be in a foster home. Good thing he foiled Joe Pesci, otherwise the ending of the film would have been a little difficult for children around the world to comprehend.

Fact:

People commonly misspell the word "Kwanzaa."

That's because even people who celebrate it don't feel like it's a real holiday.

Fact:

If Bing Crosby were alive today and was asked to sing "White Christmas" one more God damn time?

I swear to God.

Fact:

When you bring your child to a mall and ask them to sit on a strange man's lap that's wearing a costume, you're not allowed to be surprised if/when they make poor decisions when they grow up.

You just aren't.

Fact:

All Jewish people either celebrate or want to celebrate Christmas, because it's way more fun than Hanukkah.

Christian people do not celebrate Hanukkah, because it is not way more fun than Christmas.

Fact:

People who spell Hanukkah with a "ch" are assholes.

Fact: 

If a man really climbed down your chimney, he'd have to break all of his limbs and would probably have at least one collapsed lung by the time he made it to the bottom. And/or he'd be dead when your children woke up.

Which would likely scar them for life.

Fact: 

If your child doesn't believe in Santa, a good prank to pull is to walk on the roof of your house over their room late at night, and when they look up the chimney because they're starting to believe you after all, sneak up behind them and scream in their ear "YOU WERE RIGHT!"

Fact:

If the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus got in a fight? No one would win.

Because one is a mythological fat man who lives in the North Pole (an extremely complex environment to live in, especially with the cost of gas these days) and one is a mythological bunny who hides candy from children.

Fact: 

Jewish people considered making their own version of Santa Claus.

He was just a balding dentist who lived in Florida that did moderately well for himself and never really caught on.

Fact:

No one seems to find it weird that Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus haven't had children.

Fact:

If they made a movie about Santa Claus passing away, and the only person to take over for him was lead Elf Tyrion Lannister, and it was called "Game of Elves: Dwarfing The Competition"? Everyone would go see that movie.

Everyone.

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Rocket Shoes Mixtape 64: Santa Isn't Real, But These Songs Are

Because it's been about 80 years since I've written, this one is a two-parter. Also?

You can now stream them on iPhones and iPads and Androids because I'm a nerd and I made it work, designers. 

Stream Disc 1 Here.

Stream Disc 2 Here.

Or:

Download Disc 1 Here.

Download Disc 2 Here.

 

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.