Dolores Park, Swingsets, and Bad Parenting

I was hanging out this afternoon in Dolores Park and a few things dawned on me:

  1. Dolores Park is essentially the crowd for a Phish show that has no idea that Phish is not coming. And that they are not at a concert venue. And that it is, in fact, not legal to do drugs in downtown San Francisco. This is also why Dolores Park is mesmerizing and is also basically one big car accident that you cannot stop staring at. I was offered today (in no particular order) weed truffles, a banana cream pie, a small ukulele, a hula hoop lesson, a thick leather bracelet that went out of style in "always", cold beer, water (ha! just kidding), and finally (my favorite): a couple's demanding that we all watch them make out. Quick note about the couple. Hey guys, either start taking off some clothes or go home. Otherwise, all I'm getting is skinemax, and every time I try to fast forward it's just the part where you have all your clothes on and give each other eskimo kisses. Wait, you've never seen that in a porn? Weird! Neither have I! This porn sucks.
  2. Swingsets and many other childhood games/playground items are essentially like putting your kid in a taxi cab in downtown Cairo with no seatbelt on, and then leaving them in the car while you light firecrackers and chuck them in the window while laughing. (No, I have never been to Cairo, but that's just me assuming it's dangerous while also possibly skewing towards "accidentally racist")

I will expand on the swingset theory. We all decided it'd be fun to go play on the swings at the end of the afternoon, because if you don't like swinging on a swingset then you also probably hate chocolate, high fiving, rainbows and the feeling of sneezing (those are two separate things, not rainbows with the feeling of sneezing, but i'm guessing the two together are like all of the previously mentioned items put together in an awesome sandwich).

When I arrived at the swingset, there were two completely adorable unmonitored children pushing each other and giggling. Hey, parents of the year! Do you also throw knives at your children while they sleep? First off, you left your kids unattended at Dolores crackhead fucking park? That seems safe. You should also take them camping, find a bear and throw things at it and then lead it back to the campsite and hide in the bushes while your kid tries to light a fire unattended.

Where was I. So these kids are pushing themselves back and forth and I got to thinking about it: swingsets, while the joy of the world, are the most unsafe contraption ever, yet they are freely available just about anywhere you go. Kids get in a piece of rubber latched to metal tongs of death that could easily choke or beat a person senseless, which are supported by a metal pole 20 feet high in the air. Then you just push each other until you get to an elevated point where you can either fall out or launch yourself into a few of the select things they often put around the set: giant hills, huge slabs of concrete, or fire (I made fire up, but that would be a really sweet swingset and an added challenge that I think we'd all quietly be up for). Don't worry, there is also a small area of sand (nature's Chucky Cheese ball pit) that is nowhere near the farthest point you reach on a swing in either direction.

So let me get this straight. Parents won't put their kids in the front seat of a car with a seatbelt on because they are scared the airbag will kill the child due to the blunt force trauma that would occur, but they are fine with hucking their kid in a makeshift slingshot tied to chains and two metal poles that are surrounded by giant hills and slabs of concrete? Just checking.

My favorite part of this whole experience was when my cousin walked up to swing next to the two little girls. He was wearing a bike helmet and wearing a t-shirt promoting the movie "Hot Fuzz" with his pony tail hanging out the back and wearing sunglasses, all while giggling maniacally. What I'm hammering home here is this: I'm pretty sure people who accidentally look like pedophiles in the wrong light love swingsets. So when an actual pedophile decides he wants to, you know, hang out with two underaged girls, judging from my experience today, everyone is cool with it because we all just love swingsets and don't want to question anyone's intentions on one.

I have now accidentally made swingsets a little less fun for you. I won't even get started on monkey bars.

But who am I kidding. Swingsets are awesome. You don't like the swingset? You suck.

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.