Death By Dinosaur or Bust

Sometimes, you realize your life, whether you choose to accept it or not, is pretty great. Maybe you complain about things and how they could be better, but that's kind of like saying "this ice cream isn't 'the best' enough": just shut the fuck up and enjoy the ice cream. This is a real conversation I had with my friend Richard the other day. We have these conversations 4,298,768 times a day. Which is a lot. And that's something I should be pretty damn happy about.

To preface this, this is why Richard and I call Richard my "reality narc". To answer the question ahead of time: yes, I honestly talk about Jurassic Park this often in my life. To be fair, it's about dinosaurs. And dinosaurs, in theory, are pretty great.


Drew: "Hey, so I hung out with these amazing people this weekend, and I finally met your reality narc'ing match. Instead of taking the crazy things I talk about and 'reality narc'ing' them though, this girl called it 'dream killing', which I really appreciated. You know, the honesty."

Richard: "I like that. What did she kill, dream wise?"

Drew: "Well, we were walking around SF and I told them that every time I see Sutro Tower I feel like I'm in Jurassic Park. More importantly, I get really excited about the idea that I may, in this situation, get killed by a freak tyrannosaurus rex. Because how cool would that be? You're walking around, and BOOM. This gigantic dinosaur screams in the background. We're all running around..'oh no, what are we gonna do now, blah blah blah', and then you see this big t-rex come around the corner and it just MAULS you. Like, boom, death by dinosaur."

Richard: "Okay. Go on, but I'm pretty sure if she told you, 'why would you want that to occur?' I'm on the dream killer's side."

Drew: "Yeah, she said, 'Why would you ever want this to happen? Why is that cool? That's horrific and terrible.' To which I, of course, disagreed. Because I think a tombstone that said: 'Drew Hoolhorst: Died by T-Rex' would be just about the coolest thing on the planet. Who wouldn't respect that?"

Richard: "Well, here's a thought: why not 'not die'? I mean, this is where you're perplexing: how is it in any way cool to die? Who thinks that? That IS horrible. Are we talking Richard 'now' Richard? Or like, Richard 'really old' Richard? Because maybe if we were both really old, and then I got mauled by a T-Rex? Sure. But why on earth would you be walking around thinking about how cool it is to be eaten by a dinosaur? No. It's not. That's like, maybe the last way I'd like to die. And maybe just 'don't die', just in general, is a better option."

Drew: "I mean, here's what I think you guys aren't getting. If a T-Rex eats you, theoretically, it'd be really quick and painless. Maybe the first chomp would be painful, but then it's like, you're dead. You don't even exist anymore. So you don't know that it hurt, because you aren't alive. So it's probably just like falling off a bike. You know...OW THAT HURT and then it's over if you had died. You'd never know it hurt really bad. And T-Rex's eat you top down, so it'd bite me at the mid-section and I'd be dead before I knew it."

Richard: "Ok, another reality narc moment: I love that in your 'Drew's brain' world, all dinosaurs obviously just chomp top down, so you'd never feel it. What if you were running? And it grabbed your foot? And then did the head left-to-right thing whipping you around? Why are we even talking about this? DINOSAURS AREN'T REAL."

Drew: "I can go over again how they could be. Mosquitos have been fossilized, etc. But that's a moot point. Furthermore, I know that they eat you that way because that's how they eat you in Jurassic Park."

Richard: "That's a fictional book that TURNED INTO a movie. About dinosaurs. That are real. Which, in fact, is not real. Do you read Harry Potter and just presuppose that we can, in fact, be killed by Voldemort?"

Drew: "Entirely possible. Again, entirely possible."

Richard: "Here's a hint: we're right and you are wrong. It is not cool to be killed by dinosaurs. Also, dinosaurs are not real. Maybe you just have some weird fetish and this is it surfacing. Like, some people have sexual fetishes about feet. You have some fetish about dinosaurs killing people, and this is how it surfaces. I don't even know what that would be called. Dino'ing?"

Drew: "Rexing? I'm into rexing? That sounds pretty good actually: 'You're into bondage? Wow, that's gross. I'm into death by t-rex. Rexing.' The only problem is that sounds like Rex Manning. You know, from Empire Records. That'd be funny, too, though, if I was into dino death and also people who only got excited from people saying, 'oh Rexy, you're so sexy.'"

Richard: "I like how that's what's weird to you. Another fetish that is made up that make believe people have that only you would think up. When are these girls coming back? I think we'd be good friends."

The answer to your question, Richard? Not soon enough. Those kids aren't coming back soon enough. It was fun, Mel and Kate. Let's talk about dinosaurs again soon. Richard can come, too.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 29: Death By Dinosaur or Bust

Stream the whole thing at that link up top.

Download the whole thing right here.

Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.