Conversations Adam and Drew Have

Things my brother and I talk about. Seriously. --

On the subject of future translation devices

Drew: "I just think it's weird that if someone doesn't speak your language, that's it. Essentially, it's a wasted human. That seems like a bummer."

Adam: "Well, yeah, until they make a babelfish."

Drew: "A what?"

Adam: "You know, the device they'll make in the future that you'll just hold up to people and it'll translate through a little speaker."

Drew: "Oh like, '01011101HEL-LO I AM EX-CIT-ED TO BE MEET-ING YOU0110101"

Adam: "Yeah exactly. The only real bummer is that everyone will have the same robot voice in the future."

--

On animals and whether or not they have many separate languages they speak

Adam: "I wonder if animals have separate dialects."

Drew: "What, like if a pig can talk to a frog? Because, well of course it can't, that's just stupid. Clearly, a pig speaks pig and a frog speaks frog."

Adam: "No, of course. But like, what if a pig talks to another pig but it's not the same pig language?"

Drew: "Interesting point. Like, what if a wolf from Slovakia gets over here on a boat (editor's note: what is a wolf doing on a boat?), and then his wolf owner is like, 'off to the forest with you!' and then the wolf goes out to the forest to try and meet other wolves, maybe get into a cool new pack or something. But when he gets out there, he goes up to an American midwestern wolf and is like, 'Včera večer, aká haluz!' and the American wolves don't understand, so they're like, 'sorry brah, can't understand your crazy slang, this isn't the pack for you.' You mean like that?"

--

On the ideation behind the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Drew: "I mean. Who thinks of that? It's not enough that there are random crime fighters running around completely rogue and it's totally cool with the police. What's more important to me is that they are turtles. I mean, crime fighting turtles. And that they are teenage, because that means they were fairly old when the ooze that, of course, transformed them hit them. And what is never explained is this: why do they like pizza? Where did it start?"

Adam: "Drew. It makes perfect sense, and you're only confused because someone took the comic book and made it 'cutesy'. I mean, splinter and the shredder were old nemeses back in the day, and splinter was rather old when he was transformed by the ooze. So obviously, to fight the shredder, who became evil after his true love was taken from him and he was beaten by her brothers into the evil form that now requires him to wear a mask, which is a metaphor, splinter had to train the turtles who were also hit with the ooze and now possessed the raw tools to defeat the shredder under the right tutelage."

Drew: "Well, actually when you put it that way, it makes a lot of sense. I never knew that about the shredder. That kind of makes me sad."

Adam: "Yeah, the old comics were dark and really good. Then the movie came out and it was ridiculous because they ate pizza and shit like that."

Drew: "Wait, your one problem with the concept of a 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle' is that said turtle would never eat pizza? Really? It's not the fact that it is a crime fighting turtle ninja?"

--

A phone call on the need for shared resources

Adam: "Hey are you home?"

Drew: "Yeah, why."

Adam: "I need to come over and microwave a burrito."

Drew: "Wait, did you seriously just call me and ask me that?"

Adam: "Yes. Also, can I borrow your digital camera?"

--

An excerpt of the last few text messages that come up when I go to write my brother:

"We're top 2 in our chicky tues fantasy football league. Cluck Cluck mother bitches."

which was directly followed by...

"The clapper is the greatest invention of all time."

--

And finally, an actual IM conversation we just had:

Adam: "Do you know what lip stain is?"

Drew: "No."

Adam: "Oh good."

Drew: "Why?

Adam: "She was talking about it and I had no idea what she was talking about. Apparently its some type of lipstick that's not lipstick."

Drew: "I imagine it's a form of lipstick which stains for the night and isn't a wax, like a lipstick. More an actual dye-like applicator."

Adam: "I mean, I just went to covergirl.com. New low?"

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.