So it's been a while since I've written. I know...you missed me. I missed you too, sweetheart! It's like I went out on all these cute dates with people who read the blog, and then just stopped calling one day out of the blue. I mean really cute dates. I got the door for you, we shared desserts, you laughed when I got a bit of it on my nose and we giggled. We both agreed that skinny jeans are ridiculous, and that most people who wear them are trying too hard. And I said, "No I like you..." and you said, "no I like YOU!" and then we did this back and forth for 3 minutes. And then giggled again. And then we awkwardly made out in the car and the seatbelts got in the way, but we laughed because my elbow hit the horn and that guy got scared when he was walking by. Yeah guys, our dates were that cute. You were SURE I was going to meet your parents, and we'd get married and have a million babies (or you would just read my blog and I'd keep writing). But then I was just a huge dick. And I stopped writing...and didn't even give you an explanation. Ew. Who does that? Well, I took a little "timeout". I took what we will call a little "depression sabbatical". Yeah, I made that term up, but it works. You know why? Because breaking up fucking sucks, and all you do is feel sorry for yourself and tell everyone how hard it is and how "they don't understand." That's not obnoxious or anything. Sorry to about 42 people on that one...turns out the world isn't over and I'm fine now. So instead of writing about this everyday for about a month and some, I thought...uh...maybe i'd just sit this one out until I didn't hate life. Annnnnnnnd we're back.
So I shot myself in the foot. When I was living in gross-disgusting-OH-MY-GOD-MY-LIFE-IS-SO-FUCKING-CUTE-land, I decided that I would just broadcast the shit out of it (I say this as I write an entirely self serving blog...). I mean, you're dating a hot girl. She's nice. You want to talk about it. It's like people with babies. They just do things that are obnoxious that only they like, but they think you want to hear about it. You know, they put an oversized hat on a baby, and then say, "oh my god, the baby looks funny because it's wearing an oversized hat! let's take a picture and send it to 267 people! I bet they want to see my baby in this hilarious oversized hat!" But you don't want to see the baby in the oversized hat. You actually think the baby looks weird. Because babies look like aliens. And then it has spit all over its face. And weird crap on it's nose. And actually, the baby just looks ugly with an oversized hat on. So the moral? I go through a breakup, and realize that the oversized hat pictures are everywhere. And the cute commentary? Everywhere. It's plastered on facebook walls...myspace comments (which is a dirty mini-mall I refuse to visit anyways, so this breakup was also like breaking up with myspace, so I've got that going for me. It's like finding out I cured myself of crabs or something)...flickr pages. Shit, every nerd avenue on the planet? I was vomiting cuteness on it. I mean, it was fantastic during the grand run of it. But then all of the sudden...you've set up an obstacle course of pain for yourself when it ends.
You can't just breakup anymore. I guess this doesn't apply to everyone...but I feel like most people have "this" life I just explained on social networks. Before? You call a girl, tell her she sucks and you're over it, and then you lose her number. And if she went to Menlo? You never really have to see her again because you go to M-A (cough*cough*SHELBY*cough*cough). But now? My GOD man...there's no escape. You break up. Then you think, "welp...I guess I should hide or erase the nine billion pictures I have on my computer and all my accounts so I don't cry and eat two whole pizzas everytime they come up and catch me off guard"...but then you have this conflict, because you aren't REALLY over the breakup for that first week. So you leave them (this is a horrible mistake. don't do this. run. run for your life away from these things), and then you try to "ignore" them. Which is slang for waiting until you are a bottle of wine deep and decide the best idea right now is to stab your feelings in the face by looking at these pictures. But oh wait it gets better...you're still "friends" on facebook! So guess what, slugger...facebook will just do the hard work for you and crush your soul whenever it feels like it! Facebook is just that really shitty friend who doesn't get it:
Facebook: "Hey Drew, did you see that your ex-girlfriend is totally loving life right now? No i'm serious, that's her status update right now. No, seriously, look! It's right here! It says "(fill in ex's name here) is totally loving life right now! Also, who's that Mark guy that she just became friends with? Yeah whoa, at 1am...sounds pretty...nevermind...Well, I mean, I know who he is...but I guess you probably want to do some sleuth work huh? Well, that makes you creepy. Okay bye for now! I'll be back in an hour when her new status update says that she's going out drinking tonight with 'new' friends...mysterious right? Hope it's a date she's going on! Anyways, later."
So you do this unspoken thing. For a few weeks, you write YOUR status messages as some elusive "hidden message". Why? Because you are ridiculous and 12 years old. And you think that EVERYONE cares as much about what you are writing as you do. (Hint: they don't)
Drew Hoolhorst had a CRAZY night last night...
Drew Hoolhorst is wondering what he was doing at 3am....when he was with tons of chicks. TONS of chicks...last night. (aren't you wondering what drew was doing at 3am? he'd tell you. you know, if you still wanted to talk. he still loves you...wait nevermind)
Drew Hoolhorst feels fine. No seriously. Really great. He can't believe HOW much he's moved on and is totally just like, hooking up with hot chicks left and right again!
Also, make sure to go through the awkward part where you have to no longer "list yourself as in a relationship". Those emails you get are going to be fun. No, that's not awkward at all. But you know what? You were the asshole who listed yourself as in a relationship. Yeah, you, Drew. So stop whining about it. The point being...
Breaking up on Facebook is hard to do. It's awkward, and it makes a normal breakup about nine billion times harder. And I'd say it set me back way more than a breakup would have back in the day. It made me a big fucking Eyore, and it sucked. But it's over. And one day you DO wake up, and the cliches ARE true. You feel fine again, you find out everything happened for a reason, some things were problems you didn't even know about so it's good you broke up...blah, blah, blah. Oh, and you get over it. In general. So that's nice. Being depressed sucks. Remind me not to do that again.
And here's the kicker: You look at girls again a few weeks later, and you think, "Wait, she's REALLY attractive. Can I call her? I CAN??!? And she'd "date" me?? Well why didn't anyone tell me this shit, I would have stopped sitting in a dark room eating cheez-its while crying a LONG time ago if I knew this was going to happen." And then, ironically, all you want to do is talk about THAT girl. And all of the sudden you are doing it all over again. And the irony feels so good, you just start it all over again. So that's hysterical.
So sorry for the break. I hope you are still reading, because i'm gonna try my darndest to win your hearts back. I didn't want to break up. It's not you, it was me. But I'm cool now. I think I'm the funniest person in the world again. And my music taste is impeccable. So let's get the shit kicked out of us by love.
The song of the day is happy. Because I'm happy again, so I thought i'd go for the lowest common denominator. And if you don't like Vampire Weekend, it's probably because everyone and their mother told you to about them 4 months ago and you got annoyed and decided not to be a follower. Get over it. They make music that sounds like magic tricks and gummy bears. And I'd like to think this song is a clear gummy bear. Re: The best gummy bear of all time.
SIDENOTE: Isn't it ironic that this whole post is about not blasting out your life because it may be weird later after you reveal too much, and that's all I'm doing the entire time? I feel pretty good about it. YES WE CAN!