Because I'm Perfect, Obviously

So for starters, I'd like to openly state that top ramen is the most unfulfilling food you can possibly eat. Much like a burrito, it's a great idea at the time. Kind of like hooking up with an ex. Moving on. Being single seems to be a lost art these days. Seeing as I'm known as the "guy who can't be alone" guy, it's been new to me these past few years with sprinkles of "OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU" in there. When I'm not screwing up some relationship, though, the single life has been a fascinating experience. It's funny, because people think a few things about you if you are single.

  1. You cry every night because you are alone and it's impossible to be alone and enjoy anything. Anything.
  2. You are constantly searching for someone to date (this is probably true, but refusing to admit this is a huge part of being single and bitter, and I'm all about denying things that are factual and proven)
  3. Your standards are too high because you thought some girl smelled funny in the morning (fact) or you didn't like the way a girl smacked when she ate her food (fact someone else disclosed to me) or because you think you are the best at everything (triple fact)

The point is, people in relationships often don't understand single people, because we are like some wounded puppy to them. I know this, because when I'm in relationships, I act like people are some wounded puppy. When you are stupid-in-like/love, it's hard to remember why you kinda enjoyed not having a significant other sometimes, or how hard it was to find the person that you are stupid-in-like/love with. It's unfair to say one state of being is better than the other, because both have their qualities and their downsides. Obviously, the "having sex all the time and being the happiest person ever" part of being in love is better than the "I can TOTALLY pick the movie I want to see alone!" part of being single. Touché. But to get to the "in love" part, you've got to kind of be selective and ride out the single part, right? Some would argue I'm wrong. Here is a conversation I had at a bar the other night with a girl.

Girl: "What is that?"

Drew: "Shazam, it tells you the names of songs you don't know that are playing."

Girl: "Awesome! So like, you can use it to find out what's playing on your iPod?"

Drew: "..."

A girl, who is engaged to my good friend and is ten kinds of awesome, told me today upon hearing this and my subsequent unfair judgment that I needed to lower my standards. Fair enough. My counter-argument: shouldn't I kind of hold on to my "this is what I like about a person, one of those things being that she's not a complete and total dipshit" set of standards? I mean, isn't this the goal of dating? To meet people who you like and/or want to have a conversation with about things other than "stupid"? (sidenote to the story that should have been stated earlier: girl at bar had a boyfriend whom later appeared, meaning she had zero interest in me, but that would totally kill the story so why would I say that in a run-on sentence in a long winded parentheses later?)

Here's my point. I have a list of flaws that could go on for 9,242 pages of really big paper. Being a self-deprecating person, I like to point them out to myself all the time. Here are a few.

  1. I still can't say my name like a big boy because I mumble horrendously. So when people say hello to me, I say, "Hello, my name is Drewlhorst" because when I say Drew Hoolhorst, it turns into "droolhorst". So that's cool.
  2. I don't dress like an adult, and it's embarrassing when every other guy now does on the planet. It was cute for a bit, but when girls say dress nice and you wear plaid and nikes and "kind of not baggy" jeans, I think you need to maybe work on that a bit. I learned this when an ex dumped me and started dating a male clothing model. Point taken.
  3. Did I mention the male clothing model was a model? I could be in better shape. Sure, I'm not "biggest loser" fat. But I mean, I could maybe try a little harder. And by a little I mean at all. It's not helping my cause.
  4. I'm a royal pain in the ass, and have more emotions than girls, as exemplified by this post.
  5. I am going to be bald by 32 at the latest. Yikes. (Here's the dilemma with this one...they say propecia causes "my penis doesn't work well" problems later in life...if you had to choose between "hair" and "sex", which one would you choose? Because you need okay hair to look good to then have sex, right? CATCH 22!)

So I get it. I have flaws too. But the thing is, I would hope a girl is judging me just as hard as I'm judging her, because I want to hold out for that crazy love shit that we all hope for. If I settle, I'm doing a huge disservice to everyone involved, and that kind of sucks. I have those high standards because I've been in love, and I know how friggin' awesome it can be, and I want to feel THAT again. In the meantime I'd like to just date people that simply "aren't stupid" and have fun. I have those standards so that one day, when I'm not single, I can tell someone else to lower THEIR standards and in turn miss the point entirely because I'm in love now and that's all that matters.

In the meantime, if you can't put together how Shazam works, let's just stop before we start. I'm perfect and can't deal with that shit.

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.