Are you my ex-girlfriend? Call me!

I was talking to my friend Lesley today going over plans for the evening to go to one of my ex's going away party (I use the term "ex" loosely, as I pretty much just blew it and then we stopped talking before we were actually dating, and now it's just really awkward when we see each other, so OF COURSE I'm going to her party tonight). As we're going over plans to meet up, I realized that my other ex from high school, Shelby, would also be there. Because Shelby is friends with the girl who's having the going away party. Don't worry, I'm well aware of how great an idea it is to date all of a girl's friends. They LOVE when you do this. Go back a few days.

Just this last week in Chicago, I saw the ex of all exes. Everyone has this one. The one that dumped you and you fell apart over it, wrote too many awkward emails to where they were probably thinking, "hey guy, just stop talking maybe." You would tell everyone that bad commercial jingles reminded you of them. Commercial jingles in like, t-mobile ads. Awkward shit like this. Then, EVENTUALLY you got over it but everyone was still kind of worried that you were going to see her. That one. So that was this weekend at a music festival. Don't worry, I was quadruple-fisting Bud Light's by the time we saw each other. Healthy way to meet someone again later in life, right?

Keep going.

This whole week, my ex (who I again use the term lightly with because she refuses to call anyone a boyfriend and hates "feelings"...which I am apparently the costco of) and I have been trying to get a drink so we can talk about how I took her to High School Musical on Ice. For a date. When we were both over the age of 25. Or 8, even.

This coming Saturday, I will also be attending another ex-girlfriend's wedding. My other ex, who is her good friend (I know...patterns), will be there. I plan to meet an ex-girlfriend or two there as well. It's in my blood.

Point being, apparently...if I've dated you, give me a call. Apparently I'm available this week to rehash anything you may have liked or disliked about me, and then we can probably talk about your new boyfriend if you'd like. Yes, I'll still make you mixtapes. Sure, we can still go see the new Zac Efron movie when it comes out because your boyfriend said only douchebags do that, or guys that actually have "friends that are girls". Need a ride to the airport? Shit, at this point? Why not.

So does this make me a male feelings slut that everyone has gotten emotionally around with? "Yeah, that's Drew. Everyone talks to that guy about feelings and things they both like and emotions...he's totally a 'talk about yourself and I will listen' whore like that."


Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.