Apple Introduces Accidental iRacist!

So whilst watching the new apple keynote this morning, a few thoughts dawned on me, which were all ENTIRELY terrible…but funny I think.

So apple just brought out iWork and iLife ‘09. I kind of love that they could throw “i” in front of anything and I will buy it. Not only that, i’ll feel like the most adorable human being on the planet in the process. I mean, this is the company that made SOCKS for iPods. Wow. What scares me more is that this means there was presumably an iPod sock market out there. Which at least makes me feel better about some of the purchases i’ve made in my lifetime (re: box of foot warmers in college. of which I used one. awesome). Anyways, the most awesomely creepy thing that came out in all of this was a new iPhoto that can digitally scan people’s faces so that in the future, it knows who they are and can tag photos accordingly. Which brings me to my point.

Get ready for a million awkward posts about how badly iPhoto biffs it. And by this I mean accidentally is racist or cruel towards all your friends. Seriously, THINK about how many “FAIL” opportunities there are here. A list that co-workers and I have come up with:

- Do you have asian friends or are you asian yourself? Because I have a feeling that when it screws up and labels two asian guys the exact same person in your entire photo library, it’s not that funny. Or it is kind of. I’m not sure yet. Wait, yeah it is. Don’t worry, i’ll insult my own people soon to make up for this. Stay with me.

- It will be ultimately hilarious when it thinks that your dorky white guy hipster friend is a black dude or something, or vice versa. These posts will be rampant, I almost guarantee it (you just got the Men’s Wearhouse ads in your head all day. You know what’s funny? I NEVER saw that it was “wearhouse” instead of “warehouse” before I just googled that. You’re so CLEVER George Zimmer…)

- What about when it can’t recognize a photo of my profile vs. a front facing shot of me? Do you know why I ask this question? Because i’m Jewish. And honestly? My nose is just two different beasts from two different angles. Forward facing? I could definitely be your catholic best friend. Profile? Umm…i’m definitely Jewish.

- Here’s a good one: what about ugly people and/or children being labeled as the family pet? C’mon, that’s funny. I mean, if it thinks the dog is actually Sarah the ugly chick who hangs out with the hot chick because hot chicks always flank themselves with at least one ugly girl to make themselves look better? That’s funny.

- Finally, this one isn’t racist…but I think it’s funny. I don’t think sorority girls (or just girls from the state of Arizona in general, as I’m convinced they are building an aryan race there…) can use the new iPhoto. You know why? Because of the sorority girl “let’s all totally take a picture together!” picture. This one. Yeah, you know exactly what i’m talking about. Sorority girls go to bars and take 412 pictures of them awkwardly smiling in front of a bar. Either with a drink in their hands, or making a silly face. And honestly? Every night looks exactly the same. iPhoto has its work cut out for itself if it thinks it can in any way differentiate these people or these nights. The only luck it has on its side is geo-tagging, which will at least help it understand that no, that is NOT the same bar Cindy and Mindy are at.

Anyways, to say i’m excited about the ENDLESS posts all over the web about this is a vast understatement. Keep in mind I also think Apple is brilliant and love them and want to have their babies even though it’s not possible. But really, get ready for software to become the most insulting person in the US. I predict a lot of ugly girls crying at who iPhoto thinks they really are.

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.