An Open Letter To People Who Dress Up For Halloween 7 to 14 Days Early.

Dear Guy/Girl in the Costume on October 20th, Hey! What's up? Where you headed to? I only ask because you're wearing a slutty maid costume and it's a Thursday evening around the middle of October. What's that? A Halloween party?

Oh. That's Weird. Because Halloween isn't for another week.

You're not alone. I saw on my way over here:

- Three guys wearing a makeshift Gosling-From-Drive costume.

- 1,829 Charlie Sheen "Costumes."

- A girl who was wearing a "costume", but I think she just bought a bunch of spandex and a headband.

- Wayne and Garth (to be fair, this one was pretty good)

So maybe I missed it but…isn't Halloween this week? And if so, why are we all wearing costumes a week before?

Look. I get it, we're all excited. Hell, when I was a kid? I had a "bucket of swords" and couldn't leave the house without grabbing one. I also wore a cape pretty much every day, but I suppose that's another issue.

The thing is, the phrase there that should stick out is "when I was a kid."

I'm asking as a favor: please stop jumping the shark. Or else the world is just going to collectively become one big Burning Man event…and lord knows we're all terrified as fuck of that.

This terrifies me. People are going to start opening Christmas presents in October. Pumpkin Spiced Latte's will be served in May (throwing off the entire female space-time-pumpkin-spice-latte continuum). We'll start having fourteen new years eve's…which we sort of do anyway, because it involves "drinking at midnight." So there's that.

There are a few people who are allowed to be in costume anytime they'd like. Those people are, as follows:

- Strippers (their costume is "sadness", mainly)

- Old People (because old people are sort of accidental costumes...think about it.)

- Homeless People (another accidental costume)

- Firemen

- Anyone who works at Hot Dog on a Stick.

But the problem is: you're ruining it for everyone. Just have a little patience. You'll get that day. And when it comes? Slut it up. Be a children's sized super-hero costume. Be whatever your little heart desires.

But it's not Halloween on October 20th. Knock that shit off.




Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.