The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 7)

Episode 7: Let's take it slow and just love each other as puppets first.

Where We Left Off

We're down to 6 dude-bros. The gentlemen who lost Cotillion last week were:

Ryan, the guy who probably beats women.

and Travis, because he brought an ostrich egg on a national television show to symbolize love.

Emily and the guys travelled to Croatia where they stood on rocks and rode donkeys in Scottish kilts because they were not in Scotland. Main takeaways from the episode were:

- Doug, the guy who I presumed was using his child as bait to get laid before I realized he's probably gay, is probably gay.

- Ryan, the guy who probably beats women with Chris Brown in his free time, was eliminated by Emily because she just couldn't tell if he's a good guy or not because he did everything short of actually hitting her.

- Chris, the guy who looks like Gerard Butler, is not Gerard Butler because he's bad at everything that requires "man".

This week we're off to Prague, the place producers of the show have heralded as one of the most romantic cities in the world because that's in no way an aggressive overstatement about the Czech Republic. Previews dictate that Arie the wet blanket has a huge secret about previously dating a producer of the show (the secret is that he previously dated a producer of the show), someone is gonna make out on a floor and that there aren't any cats here. One-on-one's this week are with Jef with one F, the guy who just gave someone in africa a bottle of water because he's better than you, Wolf, the guy whose aggressive nickname still hasn't been explained to us for some reason, and Arie, the guy who is a wet blanket who used to be doing Emily's friend who is also a producer of the show (and not the Indian woman she hangs out with from time to time in North Carolina, and by time to time I mean "when it's for the tv").

General Recap

The episode opened with a shot of emily carrying her own luggage around the streets of Prague, because it's absolutely believable that this is her only bag and that she is carrying it herself.

Once she gets settled, she walks around and stares off into the distance in about 13 locations because her life is hard.

The dude-bro's meet up with the host and he asks them if they are ready for this. I'm sort of bummed that one dude doesn't just randomly yell, "NO," throw his hands in the air, wave them back and forth and run away. Alas, they are, in fact, ready for this.

The guys are staying at a hotel named The Aria, which is funny because it's like the feminine version of Arie the wet blanket's name and I'm sure no one said that to him.

Arie sticks his head out of the hotel window and yells, "HELLO PRAGUE!" and I imagine Sean (the guy who is probably going to win) is probably so pissed that he didn't get to yell "PRAGUEEE!!!" out the window like he does at least once upon arriving in every city to let people know that he does, in fact, know the city and/or country that he is in.

Arie learns that he will have the first one-on-one with Emily, and Gerard Butler begins his episode-long nervous breakdown because he wanted the date and it's not fair. Nnnno. NnnnnnnO.

Doug gives Emily a really uncomfortable hug to let us know that he's not gay, or maybe just himself.

--

Look at this clock. Many people have looked at this clock. I made up that thought all by myself with no help.

Arie's date card says that he and Emily are going to "czech" out Prague together, which is a play on words because they are in the Czech Republic.

Emily stares at a clock and tells Arie that it's cool to stare at that clock where they are standing and staring at that clock because other people have stood there and stared at that clock before.

If they showed a picture book to Emily with a circle and a square and told her to point at the square and then she pointed at the square and she was rewarded with a treat at this exact moment, I wouldn't even blink.

They walk by old buildings and Arie tells Emily that it would be incredible if they got married at one of these giant cathedrals, because that's a totally rational thing to say to someone on your second date while she's also dating five other dudes that are your roommates.

At this point, the episode takes 4,208 hours to explain to us in some weird Public Service Announcement format that the rumors you've read in US Weekly are true and that Arie did, in fact, date a producer from the show years ago. We then go back to the actual show and witness Emily go into full crazy-bitch mode, as she passive aggressively baits Arie over and over trying to get him to admit to this, yet won't just ask him. So, basically, how it works in real life.

We are then notified that Arie, the producer and Emily had a secret meeting to talk about it and it's all water under the bridge. Nobody cares, and I'm angry that no one is saying anything I can make fun of, because if not then what is the point of all this.

Arie and Emily make up from their television relationship fight on a boat and Arie pulls the wettest of the wet blanket moves and tells Emily that he loves her. To be clear: a guy just said on national television that he is in love with a woman who he has been on two dates with, one in which he spent half of the time defending the fact that he used to do her friend.

Arie does the once-an-episode creepy hand thing.

They make out a little bit more after she doesn't say I love you back, and the guy whose only job is to make sure the lighting is good is presumably fired.

Emily says that she doesn't feel like Arie is the kind of guy who just throws the word love around, which is weird because he's a wet blanket who probably tells a checkout clerk that he loves her after he enters his Safeway club card number and gets discounts.

Back at the hotel, Doug goes out on a limb and says that if he had to take a guess, he's almost for sure that they're having dinner somewhere, and Gerard Butler says that he's bummed but not showing it by pouting, and then pouts.

--

This lock not closing is a sign that we are not in love, as opposed to the fact that we do not love each other in any way, shape or form.

On Wolf and Emily's one-on-one date, they go to the John Lennon Wall where people draw pictures of things that mean something to them. They decide to draw a boat, because Wolf likes boats and they've been on a boat. So, you know, obvious go-to. The boat they paint could have been drawn better by her six year old daughter.

Because Emily loves symbolism (even if she might not know how to spell that word), they go to some fence where you write your name on a lock and put it on the fence. Wolf has a hard time closing the lock.

It's this that tells Emily that they might not be meant for each other, not the fact that they are two people who have chosen to find the person they will marry on a national round robin television tournament.

Back at the hotel, Gerard Butler continues his nervous breakdown and says he's on edge because everyone gets to go on the dates but him and it's not fair. Then he sits on the edge of a window sill and stares off into the distance, thinking about the next Gerard Butler film he'll star in.

Wolf and Emily have dinner in some creepy dungeon that looks like a room from the film Kiss the Girls.

Back at home, Sean finds out that he is stuck with a group date as opposed to a one-on-one and decides to go out into the streets of Prague to find Emily. To do so, he yells, "EMILY!" over and over (much like he does the names of countries/cities he arrives in) because that's how you find people in metropolitan cities.

He finds her just walking around a dark alley at night, which seems pretty safe, and then pulls an Arie and eats her face.

--

Let's take a horse ride to a castle because I'm the prettiest princess of them all.

For the group date, Sean, Gerard Butler and Doug go on a horse-drawn carriage ride to a castle with Emily, because she is a pretty pretty princess.

It's raining and Doug asks her if she's getting wet. I laugh, because that's funny.

At the castle, Doug sits far away from Emily and crosses his arms. I think to myself that anyone who's ever read US Weekly's body language expert section would know that this is the worst thing you can do, as it shows you are closed off and may have a fear of intimacy.

Emily then makes this exact comment about his body language, and I wonder to myself if it's not Doug that's gay, but in fact me.

Doug then kisses Emily as she is telling him he will be leaving the show because she's just not that into him, and Doug gets sad and says that he thinks his girl radar is totally broken.

Yes, Doug. It is broken. Because you are most likely a homosexual.

He then cries again and makes the boo-boo face as he's driven away.

Now that the date is down to just two dude-bro's, Sean and Gerard Butler each get to spend one-on-one time with Emily. To find out who will first, she arbitrarily hands out a giant key to each of them, only one of which will open the door to the room she'll hang out in first.

Sean's key opens the door. He lets us know that his key is a big key. That, "this is a man's key," with a, "hey ladies, I think you know what I'm talking about" look.

When Gerard Butler finally gets to sit down with Emily, he continues his meltdown and says that he went a little crazy yesterday because he didn't get a one-on-one date and sort of gets angry at her, which is a surefire way to convince a woman that you're someone they should sleep with. They go back outside and Emily gives a rose to Sean and not Gerard Butler, and then kisses him while Gerard Butler has to watch, which is really good for his mental breakdown.

Gerard Butler says that if he doesn't get a rose this week, he'd be scared for anyone around him, and I'm starting to wonder if Sleeping With The Enemy is coaching him through a tiny earpiece.

--

Tell a doll version of me that you love it to signify that you love me too, because we're grown-ups.

For their one-on-one date, Jef with one F and Emily go to a marionette shop and buy dolls that symbolize them and Ricki. Nothing weird about that.

One of the dolls they play with is Michael Jackson, which is an awfully strange coincidence.

Jef with one F is remarkably good with the marionette dolls. Like, almost too good. Maybe he puts on shows in Africa at well opening parties. Who knows.

They go to some huge library and put on a puppet show for each other in which they re-enact every interaction they've ever had so far as puppets of themselves, because this is how adults tell each other what they are feeling for each other.

Puppet Jef with one F says I love you for the first time to Puppet Emily and then Real Jef with one F tells Real Emily that he really likes her, because only Puppet Jef with one F loves her.

They lay on a floor, and Emily says, "there aren't many people I can lay on the floor with and still be really happy." No one has any idea what this means.

Jef with one F continues his dazzling performance and basically solidifies his place as the next Bachelor when he inevitably loses to Sean by saying, "I wanna date you so hard and marry the fuck out of you." I call my girlfriend, horrified that she's at a bar with Jef with one F somewhere.

At this exact moment, I'm mortified to learn that I'm actually pro Jef with one F.

--

It's a wet blanket contest, and Gerard Butler is winning.

Back at the rose ceremony, they play sad violin music, because Prague is where the sad violin music is played.

Emily casually looks at pictures of all the guys next to candlelight like it's a funeral, because if you were trying to choose between two people to date in real life, you'd probably just grab their high school portraits, frame them and look at them over soft, depressing lighting.

Gerard Butler cries because it's not fair that they don't get to talk to Emily this week, and he presumes he's going to be eliminated.

Before she gives out the last rose to either Gerard Butler or Wolf, Gerard Butler interrupts her and asks to speak with her. Total bro-foul. However, this clearly sways Emily to pick him and not Wolf, and i'm pretty sure we've got ourselves a new villain.

Here's hoping I'm right about Sleeping with the Enemy calling the shots from home.

ELIMINATED:

Doug, the guy who was probably gay.

and Wolf, because Gerard Butler totally bro-fouled him, and now we'll never know why he's nicknamed "Wolf" so I hope you're happy Gerard Butler.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Gerard Butler, because he is not emotionally stable, and that's saying a lot on a show called The Bachelorette.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Arie, because he still does the thing that her dead husband did for a living.

Jef with one F, because GOD dammit I'm starting to like this guy.

and Sean, because he's got a man's key.

See you next week, everyone.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 62: Songs That Puppet Me and Puppet You Would Get Along To

Stream the whole thing at the link above.

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Download the entire thing in adorable little MP3′s right here.

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 6)

Episode 6: I want to fall in love where the cats fall in love. 

Where We Left Off

We're down to 8 dude-bros. The gentlemen who lost Cotillion last week were:

Kalon, the guy who called her daughter baggage (which she is).

and Allejandro, the only token remaining who was so uninteresting it was painful.

Emily and the guys travelled to London, where she got really mad at Kalon for pointing out that she has a lot of baggage that any guy would probably inherit if he were to win her hand in marriage on a television show. The key takeaways from a mostly boring episode were:

- Sean, the guy who is probably going to win the show, is probably going to win the show because he is probably going to win the show.

Arie, the guy who does the thing that her dead husband did, has moved from "maybe a wet blanket" to "stage five clinger."

- Jef with one F, the guy who saves all of the Africans, is surprisingly smooth for a guy from Utah.

This week we're off to Croatia, the one place in Eastern Europe that rich people are cool with going to because you don't die there like everywhere else in horror movies located in Eastern Europe. Previews dictate that things are gonna get pretty intense, but from what I've learned that usually just means we'll probably go for a walk on a street (which will in turn be the best date of someone's life) and Emily will probably be stoked that a guy works out. One-on-one's this week are with Ryan, the guy who may or may not have starred in the film Sleeping with the Enemy, and Travis, the guy who thought it was a good idea to bring an ostrich egg on national television to symbolize how serious he is about falling in love.

--

General Recap

The episode opened with a shot of a feral cat on a crumbled wall, hammering home the fact that Croatia is an up and coming place to vacation.

Emily says she's so excited about being in Croatia, because, "it's like being in a different world." Which is what a lot of countries that aren't the one you live in feel like, and therefore why you travel to them.

Ricki will not be joining us in Croatia (the first time she has not been on the show), because Emily wants to hammer home that what Kalon said about her daughter being baggage in no way affected her. It's a shame, because there are tons of cats in Croatia and I bet Ricki would have been pretty stoked about that.

Jef with one F feels like this is the perfect place to fall in love, which every guy says about every place they have ever been on the show. You could honestly take them to a Chuck E Cheese in Mexico and they would say that it was the perfect place to fall in love.

Travis, the guy who brought the ostrich egg, gets the first date and to signify how excited he is, ABC shows us a shot of him putting on his shirt so we can see his killer bod, because this is a show about finding true love.

I make a critical analysis of how much I dislike the jeans Travis is wearing, much like I did when looking at Sean's last week, because i'm just a heterosexual guy watching The Bachelorette.

--

In Croatia, if you can balance on a rock and take your clothes off you'll fall in love. No, seriously. 

Emily and Travis go on a date and (wait for it) it's the best date of his life.

They come across a thing called the balancing stone, which is a rock that appears to be out of the film Labyrinth.

If you can stand on it and take your shirt off, you will fall in love. Either producers made this up or people in Croatia just make up things about their heritage when they've had too much to drink.

Travis has trouble standing on the rock and then says, trying to find a way to balance, that "there's one more hole up here" he can grab and I'm really upset that Emily doesn't say "that's what she said."

Emily is bummed that Travis didn't take his shirt off, because she "wants to see what's underneath that shirt" because she's looking for a good father figure for her daughter, Ricki.

They walk around a corner and a weird dude in an alley plays some Croatian guitar while they dance awkwardly.

At this point, it's actually sort of debatable if we are, in fact, in the film Labyrinth, a movie about a girl who is obsessed with a child she has to find in a maze because she's also a pretty pretty princess.

Back at the house, Sleeping with the Enemy talks about how Emily likes him because he has an edge to him while wearing a women's tank top.

He says he misses the mean man inside of him who used to come out on the football field, and then presumably goes to text Chris Brown offscreen to ask if there's any great places to hit women in Dubrovnik.

Sleeping with the Enemy then finds out he'll have the next one-on-one date and says that he can manipulate any romantic situation with any woman, and at this point I'm not even mad at how terrible of a person he is, I'm just borderline impressed.

Because he's actually a good person who seems to genuinely care about her, Emily does not consider dating Travis and in turn does not give him a rose. That is actually how the real world works, so I'm okay with this. She says "I could pin this rose on you," but all all I hear is "penis rose on you" because i'm eight years old.

For dramatic effect, Travis walks into the rain and throws his umbrella because he's the saddest. He cries a lot so that when women meet him out at bars from now on, he'll be the sensitive guy who cried when he got rejected on The Bachelorette and that will in turn get him laid.

--

The Bachelorette is brought to you by Brave, a movie made by a company that is owned by Disney which owns ABC which owns The Bachelorette. 

Before the group date, we are shown another depressed stray cat in Croatia, because seriously guys, there are tons of stray cats in Croatia.

They are going to watch the movie Brave, a movie made by Pixar which is owned by Disney which owns ABC which owns The Bachelorette and oh I see what you did there.

They all sit in a balcony in what appears to be uncomfortable stools and watch and talk about the film while relating it to their lives, because they're going for a girl and in the movie guys are going for a girl and it's brought to you by Pixar and Disney and ABC, which owns The Bachelorette.

Gerard Butler's face tells us that he can't wait to see what happens next.

We find out that, just like in the film Brave, the guys are going to do a bunch of manly challenges to vie for Emily's hand because she's a pretty pretty princess. The film is based in Scotland, which is about 1,500 miles away from Croatia and is absolutely nothing like it culturally, so it's sort of akin to going to Japan and eating a Cheeseburger.

The guys change into their kilts for the challenge, and we get to see a ton of man junk.

There is another shot of a stray cat.

At the challenge, everyone makes fun of Gerard Butler because he's terrible at every event and when he shoots a bow and arrow he puts his butt out.

Doug and Gerard do a tug of war thing and Doug makes some weird faces.

Sean is very attractive and muscular and he's the best and he's the dreamiest. That's about all that happens.

Emily gives Gerard Butler the bravery cup (which is sponsored by the film Brave, in theaters June 22nd) for being the worst at everything. They make out in a blanket and there is a double rainbow because love is real and magic is in the air.

We go and drink after the competition like we do every time.

Arie the wet blanket talks about how freaked out he is because he hasn't seen Emily since London even though he's been with her all day, so nothing wet blanket-y about that statement.

He goes for a walk with her and eats her face against a wall.

Arie seems like the kind of guy who would stop in the middle of sex, stare at a girl, smile and say, "hi."

Back at home, Sleeping with the Enemy talks about how awesome he is and how he wakes up every day, looks in the mirror and says, "who do you want to be today?" something that he says most men do not do. Most men also don't lock women in closets, Ryan. But, hey. Tomato/Tomahto.

Emily sits down with Jef with one F and tells him that he was awesome at the competition today, to which he says, "so were you," even though she didn't do anything at it and it's exactly like that awkward moment where you tell the person who sold you the movie ticket to enjoy the show all over again.

He looks off into the distance, probably concerned about Africa.

They have absolutely no chemistry and talk about how much chemistry they have for a long time. While kissing her he says, "can i tell you a secret? i'm crazy about you." I start to wonder why I never just started a charity for Africa if you can say shit like this and get away with it.

Gerard Butler wins the rose for the night for being The Biggest Loser at the competition and ABC is probably bummed that it doesn't own that show so that it can cross-promote it like Brave, coming to theaters this June 22nd.

--

I can't tell if Ryan thinks I'm just a trophy wife to be had or not because he's being vague about it. 

Sleeping with the Enemy and Emily go on a date fishing for oysters, because the date card said "the world is our oyster." Get it?

When they eat an oyster and Emily wants to spit it out, Sleeping with the Enemy angrily yells at her to swallow it, which is something I'm sure he's never yelled condescendingly at a woman before.

He says about 4,208 times that she is a future trophy wife and says about 4,208 other condescending things to her as well.

Emily said that if she knew one way or the other that Ryan wasn't just some guy who was looking for a trophy wife that it'd be easier to make a decision. Which is weird, because he's called her a trophy wife 4,208 times and has stated repeatedly that it's something his wife will be.

They go to have dinner, where he pulls out an arbitrary list of 12 adjectives he looked up in the dictionary that define the woman he wants to be with that he wrote down. She tells him that since a family isn't on the list, she can't give him the rose, and he begins to make Chris Brown face telling her that she's making a mistake and that she'll regret it and I'm just waiting for the backhand to fly up.

Before we find out if she's going to give in to Sleeping with the Enemy emotionally beating her into submission until she changes her mind, we are shown another stray cat.

Back at home, the guys all weigh in on whether or not they think Emily will give Sleeping with the Enemy a rose, and every guy pretty much says yes because they are realistic and all know that deep down, Emily is probably going to pick an asshole that treats her horribly because she's a wildly predictable hot girl. Then Arie the wet blanket says he doesn't think she will because he trusts her. Gerard Butler rolls his eyes because this is the biggest douchebag statement ever.

Back to Emily. She says that while Sleeping with the Enemy has said things that made her feel terrible (a quality you're definitely looking for in someone to marry, and/or date and/or know), he's good looking so this decision is hard. She then says that this is the first time she just hasn't known about a guy, which is weird because she was just in a failed engagement less than a year ago. She doesn't give Ryan the rose, and we are officially out of interesting people to watch weekly.

On the car ride home, Ryan freaks out that they are going to edit him to look like an asshole, which is weird because he was an asshole the entire time and I don't think there is a "make him not say all the asshole things" button in Final Cut Pro. I am wildly surprised that he doesn't threaten the guy filming him in the car, because that'd just be par for the course at this point really.

There is another shot of a cat.

Arie the wet blanket sneaks over to Emily's place so that he can say a bunch of wet blanket stuff to her and eat her face some more. He slurps so much when he kisses her that I feel like I'm in the back row of a movie theater in high school.

--

Doug, seriously. This is out of control. 

Back at the rose ceremony, Emily feels like she needs to figure out if she actually likes Wolf or Doug at all, so she spends some quality time with them.

She feels like she doesn't know if Wolf is into her, so he shows her mementos of his dead grandparents that he keeps in his wallet and cries to show her that he's sensitive.

I have no idea what this has to do with them being into each other, but it jedi mind trick's Emily's very small brain and she decides that this means they are into each other.

Doug and Emily sit down to catch up and Doug is so awkward with her that OKAY, SERIOUSLY. Doug is gay, can we just come out with this already? The guy is so awkward around her that I feel uncomfortable, like i'm being forced to watch the first time I tried to touch a girl's breast. It's that bad, but the difference is Doug is grown man. Let's just call a spade a spade and be clear that Doug just probably doesn't like girls, and maybe it's time for him to not be on the "like girls enough to marry them" show.

He then cries about missing his "son" and looks like a little kid who got a boo-boo.

She doesn't eliminate anyone, and that makes me want to cry because I was promised that someone would be eliminated and now I'm making the boo-boo face on my couch, writing a 2,000 word essay about the eighth season of a show called The Bachelorette at the age of 30.

ELIMINATED:

Ryan, the guy who probably beats women.

and Travis, because he brought an ostrich egg on a national television show to symbolize love.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Doug, because he is gay. Like, actually gay.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Arie, because he still does the thing that her dead husband did for a living.

Jef with one F, because he hasn't really done anything wrong yet.

and Sean, because he is pretty much 100% the guy who is going to win.

See you next week, everyone.

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 5)

Episode 5: I can't believe you said I have baggage just because I have a six year old daughter, one previous marriage and a failed engagement which occurred within the last calendar year. 

Where We Left Off

We're down to 10 dude-bros. The gentlemen who lost Cotillion last week were:

The Last Samurai, the guy who looked like Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai.

Nate, the accountant who can't talk about it right now.

and Hulk Charlie, who SO ANGRY CHARLIE GOT ELIMINATED.

Emily and the guys travelled to Bermuda with her daughter who she doesn't want them to meet. The key takeaways from the episode:

Doug, the guy who is using his child as bait to get laid, may or may not be gay because he can't pull the trigger and seems to get weird when it comes time to (which I don't mean in a derogatory way, I just actually think he likes dudes, which means that going on a show not featuring making out with a dude was a poor life choice and probably kind of a waste of time).

- Arie, the guy who does the thing that her dead husband did, might be a bit of a wet blanket. I say this because he's a ginormous wet blanket who says how much he misses Emily every time he sees her, even though I'm fairly certain they are contractually obligated to see each other every day for 23 of the 24 hours of its duration. He's nice and all, but ease up, man. I'm not even the girl you're trying to sleep with and I'd like a little space.

- Ryan, the football player, may or may not have starred in the film Sleeping With The Enemy and takes any chance he can to bring back the good old days when women were in the kitchen and DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT OR YOU'LL GO BACK IN YOUR ROOM, WOMAN. DO YOU WANT THAT? AND YOU KNOW I HATE MEATLOAF. He wants to be the next bachelor, which i'm not totally against, because at least it would be more interesting than watching this middle school dance.

- Chris (Gerard Butler) and Doug hate each other, but who cares, neither is winning and unless someone throws a punch it's sort of like seeing a middle sibling fight with the youngest in the family: no one cares.

This week we're off to London. We've been promised that someone calls Emily's daughter/life baggage and that she's going to eliminate them for basically saying what everyone is thinking, like someone saying "you farted" and you not admitting it and getting angry instead. One-on-one's this week are with Sean, the guy who's probably going to win, and Jef with one F, the entrepreneur who saves all of the Africans yet doesn't know how to spell his own name correctly.

--

General Recap

The episode opened with shots of cliche london, because we are not in the south anymore so there are no ducks or horses.

Emily notifies us that she's excited to have Ricki here with her, because she says the same formulaic thing in every episode and that is in no way boring.

The dude bros meet up with our host who informs them that Emily is well on her way to falling in love. So, basically, imagine you and your friend like the same person, and their friend called to say, "Thanks for your time ladies, I'd like to inform you that Steve is well on his way to making an informed decision about who he would like to sleep with, just an FYI. Have a good day."

Wolf and Gerard Butler got haircuts, because we've been on the show for what is probably about three weeks so that's necessary.

Back at the hotel, Arie raves about how amazing the view is. The view is of a back alley, which is, in fact, a terrible view.

Jef with one F is the cliche guy who says "If there is ever a time to step it up, it's this week," because I'm fairly certain one guy has to say this per week. Just to clear this up: wouldn't every day on a round robin elimination dating show be a pretty good day to step it up? Just sayin'.

Ryan says more scary Sleeping With The Enemy shit about how this trip will be great for HIM AND EMILY. NO ONE ELSE.

Sean gets the first one-on-one, and while I really like him and really do think he's going to win, I find the wash of his jeans highly questionable.

Kalon says the hardest thing for him is not having control in a situation, and all I can think about is Patrick Bateman in the business card scene in American Psycho.

--

Let's go on a boring date around London, because this show isn't even trying anymore. 

Emily and Sean go on a one-on-one date around London on their own private double decker famous London tourist bus. This is the equivalent of someone picking you up for a date in your own private Ride the Ducks tour, which is to say "not that great."

Sean yells on top of the bus "LONDONNNN!" He is also the guy who was in Bermuda and yelled "BERMUDAAA!"

Emily claps at him and says "yayyy!" like she's talking to her daughter or a six year old person in general.

Emily says she is excited about her date for Sean because he is good looking. This has been her answer for why she likes three guys now. So, she's definitely in this for a good father figure, no doubt about that.

Back at the hotel, Kalon states to Arie and Jef with one F that if he's picked for the group date, it's no big deal, because let's be real: every day with Emily will be a group date with her and her daughter if she picks you as the winner. Everyone gets angry at Kalon, because he keeps saying everything that everyone is thinking yet cannot say because then they can't have sex with Emily.

Sean and Emily sit in a field, and she says she likes him because he has muscles, is a good guy but not the type that's ugly or uninteresting. Sean really wishes he had sunglasses, but he's too good looking, even for the sun.

I begin to develop a strong man crush on Sean, because he's not that bad of a guy, and I know this because I'm watching carefully curated edits of his life on a television show called The Bachelorette.

Since the date card Sean received from Emily said "Love takes no prisoners," they go on a dinner date at a prison. Get it? Because love takes no prisoners, and prisoners live in a prison. Just to make sure we're all on the same page, Emily tells us that love, in fact, takes no prisoners.

Emily twirls her hair, and my head almost explodes.

Today was the best day of Sean's life, but I'm okay with it because the best day of Doug's life was spent perfume shopping so hey, it could be worse.

Emily says, "As you know, I have a six year old daughter" (glad we cleared that up). She then goes on to say that she doesn't want to rush things, but she wants around 6 to 10 children more, which is rushing things because this is their first date. In any other scenario of life, if a woman said this at a dinner table, no one would fault you for throwing the table over like an action movie and running. No one.

Sean gets the rose, because he's the best and even I would twirl my receding hairline at him.

--

We're in England and Shakespeare was like, from here and let's say lines from Romeo and Juliet together. 

On the group date, the dude bros have to perform Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet with Emily because she is a pretty pretty princess.

Four guys get to be Romeo, Kalon being one of them. He is very serious about his performance, and tells Emily to run along while actually gesturing for her to run along so that he can learn his lines, which is amazingly awesome and condescending.

They put on their costumes for the show. Sleeping With The Enemy takes about 22 pointed shots at Arie, because those two hate each other and it's my favorite.

Arie's voice sounds like Tiger Woods, which is funny because a white guy sounds like a black guy who sounds like a white guy.

If Alejandro doesn't make it on this show, he could definitely play Aladdin at any major Disney theme park because I'm racist.

They perform a bunch of boring scenes from the play as a bunch of British people with horrible teeth watch them.

Sleeping With The Enemy takes at least nine more shots at Arie. Arie responds by saying that if Shakespeare were still alive, he would say to Sleeping With The Enemy that, "Thouest Suck." Sweet burn, Arie.

After the play, they go somewhere to drink, and the guys take turns hanging out with Emily.

Emily calls Sleeping With The Enemy trouble. Sleeping With The Enemy says that, in his experience, when a girl says "you're trouble" it means she wants to get into some trouble. How many times in Ryan's life do you think he's said that "she was asking for it"? Ballpark?

At this point, every guy on the show starts talking about how Kalon said that Emily's daughter/past life was baggage. To be fair, having a six year old daughter, a previous marriage and a previous failed engagement that occurred within the past year is the textbook definition of baggage.

Doug, who probably was that kid everyone hated in elementary school because he told on everyone, tells Emily about Kalon, and Emily grows furious. Emily wants to go West Virginia hood rat backwoods on his ass. No one has any idea what this means.

Emily goes out to the guys, cries, and tells Kalon he's an asshole for what he said and then kicks him off the show. I'm furious, because Kalon is just about the only interesting thing we have left on this show.

Emily tells the guys she wants to be alone for a while, because she can't believe that someone called out her baggage which she's brought on national television. I hear that, sister. She goes on to say that she can't believe that no one stood up for her, so no one gets a rose tonight. She reiterates how angry she is that no one told her, and girls, this is why guys have trouble sometimes: Doug told you, Emily. No, seriously: Doug told you.

Emily then goes home to see her daughter before her one-on-one with Jef with one F and asks her what her favorite thing she's seen in London is. Ricki responds The Brickingham Palace, because the King and the Dragon live there. It's startling how  uncertain Emily looks when she tells her that she is, in fact, incorrect.

--

Let's go on an etiquette date and oh my god this episode is terrible. It is fucking terrible. 

Emily and Jef with one F go on a one-on-one date and learn etiquette. I search my kitchen for any form of alcohol. Sadly, there is none.

They go on to some pub and Jef with one F tells her that if Ricki is baggage like Kalon said? Ricki is a Chloe handbag or maybe a vintage Louis Voutton. I hate him only because it's a douchey comment that I totally respect. Jef with one F knows what he's doing, even if he's sort of a douche.

They go to eat dessert in the London Eye, and Jef with one F brings some pretty legit a-game and drops a pretty great line: "I just want someone to share the details with." I'm pretty sure that if Jef with one F loses this show, he's going to have his pick of girls that aren't even born yet in any city, in any country, ever. Smooth talker, that African baby saver.

They do not eat their dessert, because this show is just like an action movie where the characters never do logical things like eat or go to the bathroom.

Jef with one F gets the rose, and we have no doubt in our minds that it's a three man race at this point between him, Arie the wet blanket and Sean, the guy who is going to win the show.

--

I'm through talking about the baggage thing, WHY AREN'T YOU TALKING TO ME MORE ABOUT IT?

Back at the rose ceremony, Wolf is wearing colored chinos because colored chinos and denim are so hot right now, just like chevron.

He may or may not also have a black eye.

Arie and Emily sit and talk about how disappointed she is that no one had her back when she kicked Kalon off the show. Emily says that she doesn't even wanna talk about it anymore, and then talks about it more. Arie makes the wet blanket voice a bunch, and I'm becoming less and less a fan of him.

Sleeping With The Enemy does some suave shit while still being Sleeping With The Enemy-ish. Emily states that she's mad at herself for saying it, but she's finding herself liking him more and more. You know, like every abuse victim ever. Rihanna, give Emily your phone number because you guys have tons to talk about.

ELIMINATED:

Kalon, the guy who called her daughter and life a ton of baggage, because it is.

Alejandro, the only token remaining who was so uninteresting it was painful.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Everyone on the show, because this was the worst episode ever.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Arie, because he still does the thing that her dead husband did for a living.

Jef with one F, because he fed Emily a line better than most men ever dream of saying and I hate him for it.

and Sean, because he is pretty much 100% the guy who is going to win.

See you next week, everyone.

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 4)

Episode 4: I hate to watch guys compete, so I went on a gameshow where 25 guys compete for me, specifically.

Where We Left Off

We're down to 13 dude-bros. The gentlemen who lost Cotillion last week were:

MC N*SYNC, the guy who probably had a coke problem and looked like a member of the group N*SYNC, if that wasn't clear.

Allesandro, the guy who called himself a gypsy king and was being totally serious/told her that her daughter was a compromise, which she absolutely is.

and Tony, one of the guys who was using his child as bait to get laid.

Emily made the guys hang out with all of her best friends and one Indian woman that she doesn't know so that she could find out who was a good guy. She went on one-on-one dates with Arie (the guy who does the thing that her dead husband did for a living) and Gerard Butler, who is too young because he is 25 and she is 26 and idolizes people who wear costumes for a living. She has begun to make out with at least two of the guys, so if this is like middle school some guy in the next few episodes will probably go for a boob grab, get denied and tell everyone else that he was not, in fact, denied. This week, Emily and the dude-bros are traveling to Bermuda. Our one-on-ones are with Doug, The (now only) father who is using his child as bait to get laid and a two-on-one with Nate the accountant and Wolf, the guy whose nickname was probably self-appointed.

General Recap

The episode opened with a shot of ducks, because we've already seen tons of horses and they want us to know that the south isn't just about horses. It's about ducks, too.

We're back at the house of the bros to hear that we're going to Bermuda. Michael, the guy who looks like The Last Samurai, is wearing a yellow headband, the kind that girls wear while they wash their faces at night.

Everyone bros out and high fives, because they are competing to sleep with the same woman and they want the other one to know that they're pumped about it.

Sidenote: Can you imagine the flight over to Bermuda? What do these guys talk about? Did someone have to get a middle seat, even if the flight was chartered? I imagine last samurai just listened to self help audio books while Allejandro (the guy who is a mushroom farmer, which is sort of like saying unemployed/into recreational drugs) listened to ambient techno the entire flight over. Hulk Charlie probably just kept saying to himself, "HULK HATE AIRPLANE. HULK AFRAID HULK GET ANGRY AND GET TOO BIG AND BREAK AIR FLYING DEVICE BECAUSE HULK'S DOCTOR DIDN'T GIVE HIM ANXIETY CIRCLES TO EAT LIKE HULK ASK FOR."

--

Welcome to Bermuda, I brought my daughter to a remote island because I don't want you to meet her. 

Emily has brought her daughter Ricki to Bermuda. This is logical, because she doesn't want Ricki to meet the guys, so the best place to stash her is probably on a remote island with them.

Emily mentions that it's exciting to be in Bermuda, because maybe she'll come back soon with a baby in a stroller and her husband and oh by the way she wants more babies, has she mentioned that? SHE REALLY wants more babies.

The bros drive around on Vespa's yelling, "BERMUDA!!!" over and over again to let you know that they're stoked they're in Bermuda. It's like being on a Harley, except it's a Vespa.

We've honestly been watching this episode for under five minutes and The Last Samurai has another hairband on. This time it's in blue. He's not even trying anymore, he may as well just start drinking milk straight from the carton during episodes in the background.

We learn that Doug (the guy who is using his child as bait to get laid) is going on the first one-on-one.

To show that the weather is vicious in Bermuda, they show water flying out of the infinity pool due to intense winds. First world problems.

Doug starts to sweat the one-on-one date, and all of the guys make fun of him because he has feelings and you can't have those on The Bachelorette. Doug then starts to show the first signs of being sort of temperamental before Emily walks in to break things up, and it's clear that at some point in this series, Doug is going to hit someone and that's really exciting for all of us.

Arie does a Doug impression comparing him to the Hulk, and even though I think it's Charlie who's the Hulk, I start to worry that this is The Truman Show and I'm actually writing a reality television show and I just don't know it yet.

Doug and Emily go on a one-on-one date where they go shopping for things like perfume oils. People in relationships don't even like doing shit like this, so there's that. Emily says she really likes Doug because he's really good looking, and I'm starting to wonder what Emily got on her SAT's.

They walk up to some thing called the moon gate, which you make a wish and walk under so that all of your dreams will come true. Emily wishes that she won't be single forever, which has been made pretty clear by the fact that she is on a game show where the winner becomes "not single". For the second time.

They have dinner somewhere and Emily basically says Doug is too perfect like Brad, the last guy who she was supposed to marry from television. She says he seems too perfect, which I don't understand because he sort of just seems like a douche. But hey, that's just me and I'm not on the TV. He tells Emily that he's, "just a guy..not a genius, not a dummy." He then speaks about himself in the third person, which you should never, ever do.

Emily gives Doug a rose. He says that this is the best date he's ever had in his life. So, for those keeping score at home: the best date of Doug's life was one where he went to a perfume shop and walked under a tourist location called the moon gate.

ABC cuts to awkward shots of them back and forth as Emily waits for Doug to kiss her even though he won't, because he says he's all about moving slow. It sort of just looks like someone farted.

Doug speaks in the third person some more, stating that, "if Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she'll let Doug know she wants a kiss."

Doug may or may not be impotent (which affects an estimated 18 million men in the U.S. alone).

--

Race boats to decide who gets to go on a date with me with a ton of other dudes. 

Most of the remaining guys back home are split up into two teams, ketchup and mustard, that are going to race each other on fancy boats. Emily says, "too be honest, I hate to watch guys compete."

She is on a nationally televised show where 25 men compete for her.

The boat race is like 4,987 minutes long and is worthless. Key takeaways:

- Ryan the football player is ultra-competitive, which nobody saw coming.

- Jef with one F hurts his finger, so it's probably going to be tough to give bottles of water to African children now.

- I have the same pair of shoes as Travis (the ostrich egg guy) which is sort of depressing.

- Hulk Charlie cries when Team Ketchup loses and says he's embarrassed by that. Which, you know, he should be, because he's crying on national television after losing a yachting challenge.

Mustard wins and gets to all sit around and hit on Emily for the night. Key takeaways:

- Ryan the football player calls Emily a potential trophy wife, tells her again that she better not get fat and says about fourteen things that football coaches say to men when they're speaking to them in their underpants in a locker room. Long story short: Ryan's not doing so well. Emily concludes that she feels like Ryan is judging her and that's not cool, even though she's judging 25 guys and eliminating them daily on a television show. Ryan may or may not have starred in the film Sleeping with the Enemy.

- Arie breathes really heavily and then creepily touches Emily about nine times.

- Jef with one F and Emily walk around and don't talk about much of anything, and then he says he's falling for her, which is how love works.

Before we set off for the 2-on-1 date with Nate the accountant and Wolf, Ryan the football player says about 98 more football coach-isms and then probably punches Julia Roberts off-screen.

--

Let's go cliff diving, I have ginormous fake breasts, This date is terrible, Etc. 

Emily goes for a 2-on-1 date with two of the most uninteresting guys on the show, Nate the accountant and Wolf. They go cliff diving, but not before Wolf says, "this could be a big jumping off point for the both of us." Get it? Because they jumped off of a cliff.

I'm surprised Emily didn't knock herself out with her ginormous breasts when they hit the water. Nate doesn't stare directly at them.

They go spelunking in a cave to have dinner and decide who will get the rose from Emily and who will go home.

Nate has a huge neck. I mean, huge.

Emily asks Nate what she may not know about him that she should. He says: "My parents are married. My brother is the best. I love my friends." Then he cries and says, "I can't talk about this right now." No one has any idea what Nate can't talk about.

Nate may as well just say that he loves Lamp.

Wolf then talks to Emily and is surprisingly smooth. He gets the rose from Emily, sending Nate home. Touché, Wolf. Touché.

-

Wear blue knee-highs, touch me all creepy or get the F*CK out. 

Back at the rose ceremony, Emily walks in to greet the men and says, "ya'll look very handsome!" They all say, "as do you" back to her and it's sort of awkward, like when you're at the movie theater and the person who sells you the ticket says, "enjoy the show" and you say "thanks, you too", even though they will not enjoy the show because they, in fact, work at the movie theater and just sell tickets.

The Last Samurai isn't wearing a headband, which is a huge improvement for him even though we haven't heard him say one word for at least two episodes, which I'm pretty sure is doing it wrong.

Jef with one F, however, is wearing knee-high blue socks and it's almost like a stun gun because I can't make fun of it and I can't applaud it.

Some of the guys joke that maybe Sleeping With The Enemy/Ryan the football player is going to be sent home. Travis, the ostrich egg guy, says that that'd be a curveball. Kalon, who probably did not play sports and/or watch them, says, "well that would be a left ball, not even a curveball." Which doesn't make sense and I have a sneaking suspicion that he would like to have not said that on national television.

Sleeping With The Enemy says more Sleeping With The Enemy shit about how, "just because Emily is the bachelorette, that doesn't make her worthy." After she leaves, he tells The Last Samurai that even if he loses he knows media people and will just become the next Bachelor. If he raised a backhand at Emily and told her to get in the kitchen at this point, I'd probably just think that it was a spin-off show.

Gerard Butler (the 25 year old who's too young) and Doug (the dad who is using his child as bait to get laid) get into an argument. Doug says he's acting immature, to which Gerard Butler says, "No I'm not a butthead YOU'RE a butthead" and then storms off.

Arie makes out with Emily somewhere, touches her a little creepily a few times and makes weird faces.

ELIMINATED:

The Last Samurai, the guy who looked like Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai.

Nate, the accountant who can't talk about it right now.

and Hulk Charlie, who SO ANGRY CHARLIE GET ELIMINATED.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Allejandro. Because he's a mushroom farmer and apparently I'm racist.

Ryan/Sleeping With The Enemy, because he did everything short of locking Emily in a cage.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Arie, because he still does the thing that her dead husband did for a living.

Jef with one F, because if you wear knee-high blue socks to a nationally televised elimination ceremony you have got to be a little confident.

and Sean, because he is sort of just in cruise control.

See you next week, everyone.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 61: I write over 2,000 words a week about The Bachelorette, which is in no way depressing

Stream the whole thing at the link above.

Or.

Download the entire thing in adorable little MP3′s right here.

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 3)

Episode 3: I idolize a woman because she wears costumes for a living. Seriously.

Where We Left Off

Last week, we trimmed more of the fat, going from 19 bro-hammers to 16 bro-hammers. The gentlemen who lost Cotillion were:

Joe, who had a made-up job.

Aaron, the Canadian who is poor that wore hipster glasses.

and Kyle, the worthless financial advisor.

Emily had two pretty worthless one-on-one dates and hasn't put out once yet. We have one good in-house bro fight between Kalon (the douche you sorta love to love) and DJ N*SYNC (the guy with a coke problem/drinking problem/both problems at once). This week, we've been promised one-on-ones with Arie (the guy who does the thing that her dead husband did for a living) and Gerard Butler. We are also promised an appearance by Dolly Parton, which has to be for the 65 year old souther women who are drinking chardonnay alone and watching this show and need to feel included.

General Recap

The episode opened with a shot of horses, because in the south, if you go outside ever, you will see wild horses.

We go to the house of the bros to hear who's going on the first one-on-one date with Emily. Nate the accountant looks haggard, but to be fair all we've seen the bros do is drink and bro-five for the most part.

Michael, the professional ex-alcoholic is still wearing his hair like Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai, because women love that look.

Gerard Butler gets picked for the date, then tells the rest of the bros that, "he's just grateful for the opportunity" like a guy giving an interview before halftime in an important playoff game.

Sidenote: It'd be amazing if they would do a full live episode, where the bros were pulled aside and interviewed mid-happenings.

Announcer: "Bro, what were your thoughts going into tonight's rose ceremony with Emily?"

Bro Contestant: "You know, just gotta execute well. Kalon is running a really amazing cock block out there, and I know I just need to focus on the game plan and execute. I want to thank Jesus and my five year old son that I've abandoned back home for being cool with me doing this, or not saying if you aren't cool with it because you are five and can't project emotions yet."

--

The reason I think you'd be a good dad for my fatherless child is that you're good looking. 

Tonight's first date is with Gerard Butler. They walk around holding hands, because that's what you do on first dates when you know nothing about the person. They tell each other how good looking the other one is a bunch because they have a ton in common.

They are going to climb the side of a tall building to have dinner on top of it. As they get their gear on, Chris says that "she looks great in a harness." This is a gigantic red flag. If he starts to talk about his friend Zed who "crashes in the basement" then we may have to be a little concerned.

They make a lot of climbing metaphors relating to love. Get it, guys? Because love is like a mountain you have to climb when you're selecting a man to marry on national television in under two months.

They climb the building. I cannot help but think the entire time:

Wouldn't it be amazing if, about 30 seconds into the climb, ABC unleashed a ravenous set of American Gladiators to chase them up the building without any warning?

Sadly, American Gladiators do not chase them up the building.

Gerard Butler talks about how he wants to kiss her, but then high fives her instead. That'll totally win her over, broham. Nailed it.

They have dinner, and Emily gets taken aback by the fact that Gerard is 25, calling it a "red flag" because he's a little young. To be fair, Emily: you are approximately one year older than him and you were pregnant at the age of 17. So, you know. Maybe sit this one out.

To quell her fears, Gerard says "I'm a man. At the age of 17, I left home and it matured me." So, college. Which, if you've ever been to one, means you just call home for money/borrow it from a bank and spend it on drugs and alcohol for four years. Oddly, this satisfies Emily's concern that he might have trouble taking care of her six year old daughter and she gives him a rose.

Gerard says, "It's hard to describe how I feel. There are really no words to describe how I feel right now." So, the same thing twice in a row, making it wildly believable that he, in fact, does not know how to describe how he feels.

(Sidenote again: I can't help but think how amazing it would be if there was a spin-off where Gerard and Hulk Charlie are just two guys trying to make it in the world. Gerard tries to be Hulk Charlie's speech therapist, but he just doesn't know how to describe how he feels to him. ABC, seriously: call me. I'm fucking loaded with ideas and there is no way either of those guys won. They've gotta still be under contract.)

Emily and Gerard walk to an abandoned parking lot. To be clear: she's walking to an abandoned parking lot with a guy who creepily looked at her and said "you look good in a harness." One of emily's favorite bands plays on a stage (again) while they dance awkwardly and people stare at them. The guy singing has a country song lyric that goes, "girl you make my speakers go boom boom" and instantly I hate my life because he has 10,987% more money than I do.

Gerard asks Emily if he can kiss her at the end of the song, which is more awkward than shit I pulled in middle school. They kiss. Emily says, "dancing with him, it feels like just the two of us." It is, Emily. That's how dancing works.

--

Meet all of my best friends and the Indian chick that ABC hired.

On the group date, we go to a public park and find out that everyone gets to meet all of Emily's BFF's and the Indian chick who was in the first episode, who I'm not willing to concede is an actual friend yet. It doesn't help at all that, in this entire segment, she speaks approximately four words.

Her BFF's are going to meet and judge each of the men. This is the first realistic thing that has happened on the show, ever.

Allesandro and Emily are basically wearing matching t-shirts, which is quietly amazing.

Highlights of the girls judging the guys:

- The guys with kids aggressively playing the "I have a kid" card, basically answering any question at all with "I HAVE A KID."

- DJ N*SYNC popping and locking to show the girls why he'd be a great father, because that's logical.

- Her friend Wendy, making it clear that she's been drinking chardonnay in that coffee cup this morning when she goes from zero to aggressive sexual harassment in about two seconds with Sean. If Wendy could have thrown dollar bills at him, she would have. At one point, she logically asks him to take his shirt off, do push-ups and proceeds to sit on his back while he does.

Wendy probably hasn't had sex with her husband in over a year.

The guys then have to play with random children on a playground for a while to prove how good they are with kids while people look on and judge them.

Ryan the football player walks up to Emily and tells her that if she ever got fat when they were married, he'd be pissed and wouldn't sleep with her, because that's a sure fire way to win a television show based on romance.

Wendy hits on Ryan the football player, and pretty much all of us want Wendy to have her own television show by now.

They then go back to a bar named Butter to drink. Emily tells all of the guys that this has been one of her favorite dates. They've only been on one other group date, so she's actually correct by default. Emily may or may not be into exaggerating, and/or not being that smart of a human being.

Doug, the guy who's using his kid as bait to get laid, gets some time with Emily and starts his quest to be the guy with the saddest storyline ever. His Dad had epilepsy, he was a foster child and so forth. I cannot tell you how mesmerizing this would be if Doug, in a crazy twist, was Kaiser Soze'ing Emily and making his whole life up to get laid. He probably isn't, so I'm just a terrible person. Emily cries, because Doug's life is depressing.

And then, Tony, the other guy who's using his kid as bait to get laid, has a meltdown because he "misses his kid" and goes and cries about it in the alley. Doug starts to substantiate my Kaiser Soze theory and tells Tony that he should probably just go home. Tony then calls his son and yells into his cell phone like ghetto guys do on the bus.

Tony cries more.

Emily walks out and tells Tony that, the last time she was on a television show trying to marry someone, she sure would have appreciated it if he'd have sent her home if he wasn't into her at all and she was missing her child. She then sends him home in the most amazingly backhanded and awesome move.

Everyone talks about how great it was of Emily to do this for Tony, because if they don't say that they just look like guys on a television show that want to have sex with her. Which they are.

--

Let's go on a date at White Trash Disneyland and meet the OH MY GOD, is that seriously what Dolly Parton looks like these days?

Arie, the guy who does the thing that her dead husband did for a living, has the next one-on-one date with Emily. Before they go, he says that he's ready to "rev" things up with Emily. I get it, Arie. Because you're a race car driver.

They fly on a private jet to Dollywood, a theme park owned by Dolly Parton, because if you had a private jet that could fly you anywhere in the world, this is probably the first place you should go.

While there, they go to a theater where they are instructed to write a love song. After Emily writes horrible lyrics, Arie congratulates her like you would a 4 year old for pointing at a cow and saying "moo!"

At this point, Dolly Parton/a plastic surgery demon emerges on the stage and sings for them about love.

Emily says that Dolly Parton is her idol because she gets to wear costumes everyday.

To be clear, Emily is the one who said that at the age of 25, Gerard Butler was a little young, but her idol at the age of 26 is a woman who is dying of plastic surgery because she gets to wear costumes everyday.

Emily gives Arie a rose. He tries to go in for a kiss but gets the cheek and it's awkward. At least he didn't high five her.

They go out to a Carousel and make out on it for a while.

The entire time, all I can think of is the scene in Fear where Mark Whalberg deflowers Reese Witherspoon.

--

I'm not saying it's a compromise, but marrying you and having to adopt your daughter sounds sort of fucking miserable.

Back at the house we prepare for the rose ceremony, and finally the show is getting good. Highlights:

- Kalon, who we saw entirely too little of in this episode, has an amazing American Psycho moment when he interrupts Emily and says, "I love it when you talk but I wish you'd let me finish." No one would be surprised if he murders hookers back home.

- The ostrich egg guy breaks the ostrich egg because it was creepy that he brought a fucking ostrich egg with him to the show. After she throws it, she says, "that was huge" and I'm angry that he doesn't say, "that's what she said." Regardless, I feel bad for him, because now he officially brings nothing to the table.

- For starters, Allesandro wears a black onyx thumb ring.

Moving on.

Allesandro tells Emily that marrying her would be a compromise for him. To be fair, it would be. Emily gets pissed and can't believe that someone would say that to her, because this is her princess ball and she gets to be pretty pretty princess and NO ONE ELSE DOES! She promptly kicks Allesandro off the show. In his exit interview, he says he is off to "live the life of a gypsy king." It's unclear if Allesandro speaks English very well, but we now know that he's left far too soon.

- Arie and Emily make out a bunch in the hall after this. Ryan the football player can't believe this and feels like it's a violation of their trust, because he's on a television show that began with 24 other men courting the same woman he was and he did not see that coming.

- Emily then makes out with Sean, the guy who does push-ups while drunk cougars sit on him, which is mesmerizing to me because if this was real life all of her friends would have called her a slut by now. But, this is television, so I guess we're all just totally cool with it and STD's aren't a thing in Narnia.

ELIMINATED:

MC N*SYNC, the guy who probably had a coke problem.

Allesandro, the guy who called himself a gypsy king and was being totally serious.

and Tony, one of the guys who was using his child as bait to get laid.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Allejandro. But, I guess there's some rule that only one Hispanic guy can be eliminated per episode. I'm pretty sure we haven't heard Allejandro speak yet, though. So, maybe him and the Indian lady have something going on.

The Last Samurai, because he doesn't have a personality and also, he wears his hair like Tom Cruise in the film The Last Samurai.

Wolf, because honestly, dude, you are NOT allowed to be called that if you aren't gonna start doing some wolf shit, okay? Like, that's it. We're done.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Jef with one F, because if he falls in love with Emily, he'll give one African child in need a wife in return.

Arie, because he still does the thing that her dead husband did for a living.

and Sean, because he's simple and I'm pretty sure he's got a real shot.

If he doesn't, it's been made pretty clear that Wendy will have sex with him.

See you next week, everyone.

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 2)

Episode 2: Hey, help me raise money for my dead husband's charity with The Muppets while my daughter watches and judges you on our first date. No pressure.

Where We Left Off

In the last episode, a woman (Emily) who has already played and won the television game "fall in love on television and get married" is introduced as the main character on a new season of "fall in love on television and get married". She is a widower with a daughter.

She met 22 white people and 3 carefully selected not-white-people. She eliminated six people from the show at the end of the episode by not giving them a boutonniere, because this is Cotillion.

Randy, the guy who dressed like a grandmother and then stripped for her.

The Token Black Guy, who was the token black guy.

Jean-Paul, who had as much of a shot of winning as I did.

Jackson, the guy who does sit-ups for a living.

David, a singer-songwriter who is terrible at both singing and songwriting.

and Brent, the 40 year old guy who had six fucking children already.

Starting this week, we were told things were really gonna heat up, because now we're going to start going on one-on-one dates so Emily can really get a feel for who she's going to marry, no really, for real this time, seriously, she's going to marry him this time, seriously.

Amongst the remaining guys, we mostly have to look forward to how far the two guys left who have children are willing to go in selling out their offspring to get laid and the fight between a guy who looks like Chris Kirkpatrick from NSYNC and a guy whose name is Kalon, which sounds like a character from Street Fighter II or Mortal Kombat.

The Recap

The episode opened with Emily casually going to meet up with some lady friends of hers to show us that, yeah: she's just one of the girls! One of them was Indian and looked like she didn't know Emily, even remotely, and was probably just asked to hang out by producers because everyone looked like they were from the film The Help otherwise. Emily hugged everyone but her before leaving.

We meet at the house, where the guys are informed that there will be one-on-one dates for Emily to get to know people better (Bachelorettes: They're just like us!). After this, there is a bunch of bro-fiving while they all hang out in a pool together with no chicks in a totally heterosexual way. One of the guys had a full back tattoo, which means he is probably a terrible person.

--

I'm not a Prize to be won, Ryan, but here's a rose that signifies you could win me.

The first date is with my original pick to win it all: ex-football player Ryan. To give people a horrific view into what they signed up for, Ryan gets to go to Emily's house, take in groceries and bake cookies for her daughter's soccer game.

Even though it's visible that Ryan is horrified, he does the thing any guy does when he just wants to get laid and says how much fun he's having and tells her he feels like they're "totally making a connection", even though it's almost statistically impossible to have made a connection by this point, as they've spoken 14.8 words to each other. When they're done baking, he says, "Finally, I can feel like a man again." Which is amazing because this isn't 1955.

--

Sidenote: the dates are, so far, my favorite part of The Bachelorette. Due to the insane pressure to not get eliminated, people make wild overstatements with no backing. If this was the real world, this would be fucking horrifying/is and it's called being a wet blanket.

Bachelorette: "Hi, my name is Em.."

Date: "Do you feel like we're connecting? I feel like we're connecting. I bought us a dog and made up things that happen in the future when we hang out that are adorable. Our first child's name is Amelia, because that's kinda like your name I FUCKING LOVE YOU SO MUCH."

--

Where was I. She tells him that he has to wait in the car because she's not ready for anyone to meet her child yet. She then proceeds to take a gigantic camera crew down to meet her daughter and exploit her on national television. Amazing.

They go to dinner at a restaurant where no one else is, because that is normal. She states that she doesn't want to be a prize to be won, even though she's on a show where the goal is to win the prize, which is the girl, so I don't think she gets it. He keeps saying how connected they are. They appear to have zero in common. So, obviously, she gives him a rose so that he won't be eliminated.

They then go outside where Emily's favorite band is casually playing a song with a message as blatant as Sebastian singing "Kiss the Girl". He does not kiss the girl. They awkwardly stand on an elevated stage in the middle of a crowd and dance. I now have zero faith in the fact that Ryan will win the Tournament de Emily. He's about as smart as…a football player.

--

Let's go on a group date that raises money for my dead husband's charity. Doesn't that sound like fun? Guys?

A select group of the other guys (Aaron, Alessanjandro, Charlie , Chris, Jef, John, Kalon, Kyle, Michael, Nate, Stevie and Tony) get to go on a group date with Emily later. As a fun idea, she decides that the group will raise money for her dead husband's charity by doing a variety show with the Muppets. No pressure. At this point, Stevie (the guy who looks like Chris Kirkpatrick from NSYNC) has to be absolutely jizzing his pants because he's an "MC" for a living/skeezes on 13 year old girls at Bar Mitzvah's. His reaction dictates this hypothesis.

Charlie, the guy who fell off of a building a few years ago and is still recovering apparently, has a panic attack because his speech therapy since the fall is still coming along. I'll just say it: if Charlie started speaking like the Hulk, I wouldn't be even remotely surprised. "Charlie upset. Charlie hungry. Charlie no want talk on show with fuzzy animal thing. CHARLIE WANT GIRL FOR MARRY." Here's a tip: don't go on a fucking television show requiring you to speak your way to marriage if this is going to be a problem. No. I'm not feeling bad for that.

They do the show which I don't even want to waste words on. It's a show with The Muppets and a bunch of wildly untalented guys who just signed up to try and have sex with a hot girl. It's insulting to people who like The Muppets. Jim Henson saw this in heaven and threw his remote at the TV and broke it and flailed with his arms in the air as he ran to his room and locked the door and hasn't come out yet. She has her daughter in the audience to see all of the guys. The one she doesn't want to introduce anyone to yet.

Random other note: Chris, one of the contestants, looks like Gerard Butler.

--

Everyone hates Kalon and Stevie is probably a coke head.

After the show, everyone sits and has drinks as they try to talk to Emily one by one.

She sits with Gerard Butler and says to him, "One of the things I like about you is that, you're sooooo good looking." That's actually something she said. So, there's that.

She then has a heart to heart with entrepreneurial Jef with one F and it turns out I don't hate him, which in turn makes me hate myself. No, wait, then they interview one F and he says…

"Tonight was the best talk I've had with her yet. It was probably the best talk anybody has had with her yet."

Nope, nevermind. You're a total douchebag who spells his name with one F.

M.C. NSYNC takes time to slow dance with Emily, while they joke about what songs they would be dancing to if this were high school, and she says "NSYNC", which I find to be an amazing slip. Even Emily thinks this d-bag looks like Chris Kirkpatrick. Kalon steals her as they dance.

M.C. NSYNC may or may not be on 14 pounds of cocaine.

Kalon and M.C. NSYNC have an argument about manners on a TV show where 25 men vie for the attention of a lady. M.C. NSYNC tells Kalon that he strongly dislikes him, to which Kalon responds:

"I wouldn't like me either if I were you bro, but fortunately I'm me."

Which, sadly? Is a pretty great bro-diss.

We later see people around a pool talking about things, when Kalon tells Doug, the guy who is using his kid as bait to get laid by a woman who also has a kid, that he's a bad Dad, which, to be fair, is wildly accurate. Don't look now, but Kalon is fantastic.

Doug tells him to "stop right there" and to "just check it" and may or may not start rapping at any minute. He is wearing black sneakers around a swimming pool in what appears to be 100 degree weather. So.

--

Emily and Joe have a one on one. Joe is worthless and probably really bad at job interviews.

Here's all you need to know about Emily's one-on-one date with the guy who may or may not have a made up profession as a "field energy advisor".

- Joe is dumb and uninteresting.

- When Emily asks where Joe sees himself in five years, he says he'd like to be where they are with her family, to which she responds, "He said he wanted to meet my family! That's like, my dream!" To be clear: Emily's dream guy will say that he wants to meet her family. That's it.

- Emily doesn't pick Joe and cries about it because she feels bad. Joe was worthless and she basically just put down a dog. It's cool, Emily, he has tons of energy to advise in the field.

--

I'm going to fire a few of you from getting laid by me, ever.

In the lead-up to the rose ceremony, Emily meets with a few of the guys one last time. Notables:

Ryan, the football player who I used to love but he broke my heart because he's stupid, wrote Emily a 7 page letter that ends "Love in Christ" (which is in no way creepy) and he demands that she read the entire thing while he sits there, or else it gets the hose again.

Tony, a.k.a. the other guy who's using his kid as bait to get laid, then sits and says to her, "Did you know I had a kid? YOU have a kid? This is crazy! Let's bang." That's the gist of it, anyway.

The eliminations go down, and only two need to go because Joe who wants to meet her family has already been eliminated and is advising energy elsewhere.

ELIMINATED:

Joe, the field energy guy who is oh fine i'm wearing out that joke.

Aaron, the Canadian who is poor that wears hipster glasses.

and Kyle, the worthless financial advisor whose friends are probably like, "Have you ever had to hang out with Kyle alone? He's so awkward, man."

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

One half of Allesanjandro. Either/or. Wildly worthless, but still in play because otherwise we might have a lawsuit on our hands.

The ostrich egg guy who didn't have the ostrich egg this time. Fuck you, ostrich egg guy, for your broken promise. (see what I did there?)

Wolf (dude is not living up to his nickname, making it more and more apparent that it was self-imposed).

Professional ex-alcoholic, mainly because he should be embarrassed that he wears his hair in a ponytail the way Tom Cruise did in The Last Samurai.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Jef with one F, as much as I hate to admit it.

Arie, because he still does the thing that her dead husband did for a living and they also showed them making out in the "scenes from next week's episode" so I'm cheating.

See you next week, everyone. Hopefully way earlier than Thursday. Sorry about that.

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta.

I love really horrible smutty television. There. I said it.

My admitting this is sort of like a southerner waving a confederate flag saying, "This might come as a bit of a shocker, but I'm kinnnnda racist."

Sure. I subscribe to US Weekly. I've written entire 2,000+ word diatribes about how feminine I am. I'm not really throwing you a curveball here (or DID I by adding in a sports metaphor? HEY-o!).

I don't know, though. It's like people have a problem with admitting these kinds of things these days. I'm usually one of them. Because the other side of trashy, smutty television me is the guy who goes to see films at places that allow you to buy a glass of wine with my "independent cinema". The other side of me is the guy that enjoys listening to bands you haven't heard of yet.

I mean. I'm that guy.

Sometimes, though, I just want to shut-off and watch some good old fashioned crap. Which is sort of just what you did when you were a kid.

Think about it. Kids sit in front of the television and watch either a dragon that tells them how to say the letter R or a street that's infested with mythical creatures that sometimes live in trash cans and/or are giant talking birds.

That's how I'd like my entertainment. I want it to be like Teletubbies where things are colorful and just run around and maybe talk, but for the most part I get what they're doing because I understand simple gestures and read Highlights magazine when I was 8.

That's exactly what reality television is: Teletubbies with breasts and simplistic, formulaic human emotions that can mostly be understood with the volume off.

It's a guilty pleasure, and it's always a guaranteed trainwreck.

And I love a good trainwreck. Hell, everyone does, man. Because trainwreck's make you feel like a "not trainwreck", and that's something that we're all searching for daily. We all just want something, ANYTHING that makes us feel like we're doing it right and someone else is doing it wrong. The good news is, someone makes a living doing that for us.

They just might not really know it.

Since I'm  just going with it and openly accepting my love of crap, I've decided to jump into the shallow end of the pool head first (see what I did there?).

I'm going to review this season of The Bachelorette on a weekly basis. 

I have never watched an episode of a single season of the show, but it seems pretty simple: people are terrible and will do anything to get married and/or be on television and get famous. The guys on it are basically a laundry list of everyone you (re: I) have ever disliked because they are a douchebag 97.34% of the time, yet are still having sex with really attractive women. The show is what real life would be like if you could be eliminated by a hot girl at the end of the day for not being awesome. I feel like employers should probably just put hot women at work who judge men on a daily basis, because I feel like men would work a lot harder if they knew an attractive woman could dump him from his job at the end of the day. I digress.

Welcome to The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta.

(Want an in-depth analysis of the show? That's impossible, because it's a show called "The Bachelorette". Instead, I'm going to just go through the 25 guys and the main event herself and discuss my opinions on them and their likelihood of getting a rose, which is what she gives them if she kinda/sorta wants to do them.)

Episode #1: 25 dudes try to get a girls attention shamelessly. So, you know. Every night at a bar.

The Bachelorette: Emily Maynard

How She Was Introduced On The ShowRiding a horse because that's what people from the south do.

Chances of Winning: Not 100%, shockingly.

Emily was on The Bachelor a few years ago and was picked, but the guy who was said bachelor had anger management problems and wasn't marriage material, which is in no way ironic when you are on a television show that requires only that you not be a total shitbag.

She's attractive and oddly normal for a woman who has willingly chosen to find her husband AND marry him FOR THE SECOND TIME on national television. As a guy who has no shot with her whatsoever, and probably  zero common interests (unless you count the fact that we both love to breath and eat ice cream, which I'm just assuming for the latter part), I'd still find her sort of dateable, which seems like why they picked her. She's a fembot in a good way.

Her first husband died in a plane crash and she's a single mother so if you say anything bad about her every woman on the Internet/ever will hate you.

The fact that she has a daughter is going to basically restrict anyone from having sex with her. Any guy tuning into the show hoping for a slutty girl is going to be totally bummed out by this season because she actually has standards and is a good person (if you aren't picking up on it yet, i'm pretty much talking about myself this entire time).

---

Emily met 25 guys in a row, one by one, as they got out of a limo because that's how real life works.

It's pretty great, because they all walk up and have to pretend like they didn't watch episodes from the season she was in, knowing every little thing about her and basically tipping their hand that they've stalked the shit out of her prior to this.

So, basically: modern dating.

Below is my general take on each of them.

(Sidenote: I grabbed these pictures from ABC's site. Each bio had a category named "Number of Tattoos." Like, that was a real category in their bio. That was what they deemed "possibly a deciding factor.")

Name: Aaron

Occupation: Biology Teacher/Being Canadian

Chances of Winning: Nope.

Aaron has zero chance of winning. He is from Canada and he's poor (because he's a teacher), which just feels like a dog with three legs. His bio on ABC says that "sometimes he prepares too much for the future and doesn't live enough for today when I can enjoy it most", which is a crafty, wordsmith-y way of saying "I'm pretty not into committing and love to have sex before we have time to think about the ramifications emotionally." He wore gigantic ray-ban wayfarer eye glass frames with what appeared to be no glass in them. Which, let's face it, I find commendable. However, Emily is not from the Mission or Park Slope, so I'm not sure what he's angling for here.

*Update: I researched the episode again (okay, okay, fast forwarded through on a DVR where yeah, it still lives in my home) and realized it says he's from LA. It's amazing, the information online vs. what these guys put on TV is absolutely astounding. They all seem to be sort of lying...WHO SAW THAT COMING?!?

Name: Allejandro (wait for the next one)

Occupation: Hispanic

Chances of Winning: Nah, but he'll stick around because he's not white.

Allejandro was that guy who had a mohawk and sort of tried to act more Hispanic than he was. I respect it: producers probably have to keep you if you're "not white", so he just went for it. I suspected on looks that  he goes to clubs with one word names like "spill" with a lowercase "s". After reading on his ABC bio that he "goes big", I suspected correctly.  When I found out he was from San Francisco, I was excited because I live in San Francisco too! and then I liked him. Then the goldfish knee-jerk reaction wore off and I was over him. He didn't get much air time, so, meh.

Name: Allesandro (no, seriously)

Occupation: The Other Latin Guy On The Show/Grain Merchant

Chance of WinningIncredibly doubtful.

To be clear: The show has Allesandro and Allejandro. They shall move forward as Allesanjandro.

He did the cliche "beso me mucho" thing where he said a really generic line in "not english" and we're all supposed to be whhHoOoAhHh totally impressed. Fuck that. Try harder. He was nice enough though, and it's pretty clear that she made the choice to keep the two latinos as opposed to the black guy. We'll get to that later.

Name: Arie

Occupation: The Thing Her Husband Who Died In A Plane Crash Did, Which Is In No Way Fucked Up Of The Producers To Do.

Chance of Winning: High, Because He Does The Thing Her Husband Who Died In A Plane Crash Did, Which Is In No Way Fucked Up Of The Producers To Do.

Arie was picked because he is a racecar driver and Emily's ex-husband who died in a plane crash was also a racecar driver and oh my god have I voiced my opinion on how fucked up this is yet??!? Arie, while entirely uninteresting, will no doubt stick around because this is basically The Truman Show becoming a reality. He had a lot of shots walking around in slow motion on a race track, which means he does that in real life, too.

Name: Brent

Occupation: Technology Salesman/Being Way Too Old For A Show Named "The Bachelorette"

Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED

Brent was somewhere over 40 years old and had six children. HOLY SHIT, Brent, that's a red flag. YOU HAVE SIX KIDS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON A TELEVISION SHOW NAMED THE BACHELORETTE? He cried when he was eliminated, because for some reason he was surprised that a busty blonde 26 year old wasn't into adopting a Mormon entourage.

Name: Charlie

Occupation: Recruiter/The guy who almost died in what may or may not have been an accident we feel sorry for, but he was wayyyyy too vague about it so we'll be shallow and assume he was doing something fratty and while we're happy he's not dead, we're not wildly surprised.

Chance of Winning: So so. He had an endearing moment with a dog, so that has to count for something.

I have no read on Charlie. I want to feel bad, because he had some tragic accident. But he also seems like he's gonna be the dude who pulls the mega-ultra-sketchy shit later where he's kind of a d-bag and we should have seen that coming. Like, the guy who says that women should be in the kitchen in hocks on into his spit-tooooon. Also: i'm probably entirely wrong and he's a nice person, but that's way less fun to write about and we're writing about a show where people try to marry people on TV. So.

Name: Chris

Occupation: Corporate Sales/The Finest Beard Management, Ever.

Chance of Winning: With a beard like that, it's hard to lose. At least in the first few episodes.

Chris made bobblehead doll replicas of himself and Emily and made them talk to each other as bobbleheads together. In any other situation, this would be considered the creepiest. shit. ever. But this is TV, so, I guess women just roll with it. Chris, just in general, has the look of a "reality television show guy". I'm pretty sure his degree in college was "reality television show guy" and then he accidentally got a job in something that wasn't a reality television show. He has all of the looks of a contender: good looking, seemingly not too dumb, referenced that he asked his parents for advice on love. He's the chocolate chip cookie at the bakery: all else fails? You could probably buy some chocolate chip cookies and no one is gonna hate you when you get home with the bag. He appears to shave every 14.2 seconds but leaves a little stubble each time just in case he needs to be in a Gilette commercial where he strokes his face repeatedly and smiles in a mirror. At least he has a future.

Name: David

Occupation: Not A Good Singer/Songwriter.

Chance of Winning: It was like, -4,989% before he even showed up. ELIMINATED.

My favorite thing about David is that he was like the guy you know has failed at about 13 other reality shows and this was going to be his bread and butter. "I write love songs, she wants to fall in love, THIS IS MY MOMENT." The problem is, David is the worst singer/songwriter of all time. When talking about how he loves to write music, they showed a video of him hitting three keys on a keyboard while he did this:

"EmilllyyYyyY. EMILLYYYYYY. EmiLlLlLlL-heee-heee-y. EMILY."

Right now, if we had a keyboard and walked out to any street where bums are prevalent, handed them a keyboard and told them to sing about anything....like, they could sing about a pigeon...they'd be better at it than David. I am only unhappy he didn't move forward because I would have loved to hear a more polished version of "EmilllyyYyyY. EMILLYYYYYY. EmiLlLlLlL-heee-heee-y. EMILY (The Remix)."

Name: Doug

Occupation: Charity Director/Clearly Not That Great Of A Guy Because He's Using His Child Mercilessly As Bait

Chance of Winning: Great, Because He's Clearly Not That Great Of A Guy Because He's Using His Child Mercilessly As Bait

Doug had a plan from the get go. I'm actually terrified, because I'm pretty sure Doug saw the season of The Bachelor that Emily was on and adopted a child for the possibilty of a future season she'd star in. Honestly, Doug mentioned his child back home at least 48 times and even brought out a letter written by the child TO EMILY. HOW IS THIS NOT CREEPY AS SHIT? Also, my greatest hope? There is no child. I'm praying to God that Doug is crazy as shit and has no children, that he's writing these letters in broken English and poor handwriting to woo her. Try and tell me that discovery wouldn't be the best thing to happen to TV since Clarissa Explains It All. Anyway, Doug probably goes to the top 3.

Name: Jackson

Occupation: He does sit-ups for a living.

Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED

I'm not even sure Jackson knows he was on the show yet. Either that, or he just tried to get eliminated so for his exit interview he could be like "check out these abs, guys." Which he did. Jackson does not eat, he's very attractive, and it's unclear yet as to whether he can read a book. But, hey. If guys are allowed to like dumb girls, girls are allowed to like dumb guys. Clearly just on the show so he can get a spot in the back row of the next Insanity DVD.

Name: Jean-Paul

Occupation: Fish Knower.

Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED

Jean-Paul wore a bad suit and was a marine biologist. I don't know. Did he ever have a fighting chance? He was a smart guy showing up to kegs n' eggs. Seems like that wasn't going to work from the beginning. Oddly, on his exit interview, he got really emotional and I didn't see that coming. Arguably, he's Kaiser Soze. But I guess we'll never know.

Name: Jef

Occupation: Entrepre-Oh SHUT the fuck up with that, Jef.

Chance of Winning: 99%

First of all, there are two f's in Jeff, Jef. Strike 1. Jef rode up to the event on a skateboard grabbing the bumper of a limo. Christ. Strike 2. Then there's the fact that he's an entrepreneur. I just. I hate that term. It's so vague. It's such a cop out. Saying "I'm an entrepreneur" to everyone else is insinuating that you are, in fact, not ambitious, but I am. I want to be a fireman, Jef, but I don't go around telling people that. To be fair, he owns the Tom's Shoes of water, but I am patiently waiting for him to say "I also have a champagne company that, for every glass we drink, will give one glass of champagne to a small African child in need." He will, no doubt, at some point reference his travels to some place with a well in Africa/Guatemala and he will definitely make it to the final 3. He's "the real guy" that's "so not like her, but that's what she's here for, to take a chance!" I will love to hate Jef for the entirety of this show because I'm an asshole.

Name: Joe

Occupation: Field Energy Advisor, which sounds made up.

Chance of Winning: 1%

Joe did this obnoxious dance thing when he showed up. After a little research on ABC, he answered one of the questions they asked him with three exclamation marks. His occupation sounds like he read three words randomly on a resume and put them together to make a sentence. Joe, you lost before you got there.

Name: John/"The Wolf"

Occupation: Data Destruction Specialist. So, a paper shredder.

Chance of Winning: 50% on being named "The Wolf" alone.

Besides the fact that he told everyone his friends called him "The Wolf", there was nothing memorable about The Wolf. I'm kinda bummed, really, because it's a great nickname and it feels like it was wasted on the guy who no one really cares about. Maybe I'm wrong and he howls at the rose ceremony next episode. Who knows. For now, Wolf? I'm wildly disappointed in you. Do better. Name: Kalon

Occupation: King of the Douches

Chance of Winning: Winning? No. Staying on the show? Extremely high.

While everyone else showed up in a limo, Kalon flew in on a helicopter, which is kinda like showing up to the prom in a hummer. Per the code of reality television, he is "the guy that everyone hates on the show, even the viewers". He is a "luxury brand consultant", which means he probably sells Hugo Boss dress shirts at Bloomingdales and or is unemployed and has a trust fund, which is highly likely because his name is Kalon. In his interview, he said "he used to be a douche, but now he's different and wants to show the world", which means he's just a bigger douche. Kalon will stick around because they can't afford for him to leave: he's that hateable. I can't wait to see the manufactured fights they make with him.

Name: Kyle

Occupation: Financial Advisor

Chance of Winning: 50-75%

Even after re-watching, I have no real take on Kyle either way. I don't dislike him, I don't like him more than others, but I just know that he's just kind of...there. I dunno. I could care less about Kyle, but he is in the money industry so he's got that going for him.

Name: Lerone

Occupation: The Token Black Guy

Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED

Oh, Lerone. You were picked by the producers to be the token, but you got out-latino'd by Allesanjandro. We were all rooting for you to stick around for that awkward moment in reality television when a white guy says something that's a little too "not okay" for a white guy to say, considering there are at least 4 southern guys on the show. You tried, buddy. We commend you.

Name: Michael

Occupation: Rehab Consultant,which is a polite way of saying "I've been to rehab."

Chance of Winning: 25%

His hair is more beautiful than most women and he's wearing an argyle cardigan in his picture. Honestly, all I remember about Michael was that he has nice hair. And Rehab Consultant sort of sounds like "Not Drinking Alcohol Anymore Expert". Just sayin'.

Name: Nate

Occupation: Accountant

Chance of Winning: 95%

This was the one guy that Emily was visibly into. If it were the end of the night at a bar, she would have gone home with Nate. Other than that, did Nate speak? Who knows. The thing is: he's got the one thing going for him that no one else seemed to....he's got the "guy that she inexplicably wants to do" thing. And that will take you far in this world. Nate is an early runner for the "Moby Dick" award: she wants him, and won't stop until she at least hooks up with him. I have oddly high hopes for Nate.

Name: Randy

Occupation: Marketing Manager, which blows your mind after his entrance.

Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED

Randy showed up wearing a grandma costume and then stripped down to Randy, but he did the thing where he couldn't get the costume off easily and was sweating a lot. Also: he dressed as a grandma and tore his clothes off in an attempt to get a woman to have sex with him.  Shockingly, Randy was eliminated.

Name: Ryan

Occupation: Ex-Football Player

Chance of Winning: 99%

Ryan is my pick. He used to play football (she's into athletes), now he works with kids (she has one of those) but he doesn't HAVE kids (because she wants to have 4,298 more kids), and his intro was well done.  Look, sometimes, you just know when you're a guy watching a show called The Bachelorette and you're writing a 4,000 word column on it, which is in no way worrisome: this is the guy who is at least going top 2. He was engineered for tabloids, too. You can thank me when you see the "what was Ryan like in his playing days!" page in US Weekly.

Name: Sean

Occupation: Insurance Agent

Chance of Winning: I have no idea.

I'm pretty sure Sean was the guy who interrupted Kalon the helicopter guy while he was talking to Emily, which provoked a cat fight with creepy DJ guy who looks like the guy no one remembers from NSYNC, which will get to in a minute. Point being, he seemed nice enough, and Kalon was a dick to him, so. I guess he doesn't lose yet, and he says "ma'am" so that helps because she's southern.

Name: Stevie

Occupation: "MC". So, probably a Bar Mitzvah DJ.

Chance of Winning: There Aren't Enough Zeros Percent.

Stevie came in with a boombox on his shoulder dancing around like he was at a homecoming dance. He without a doubt roofies underaged girls and looks way too much like Chris Kirkpatrick from NSYNC. He has absolutely no chance of winning, but he's exciting because he's creepily into hating Kalon the helicopter guy. I couldn't be more excited for their upcoming arguments, and I hope someone asks him to sing Dirty Pop at some point, prompting him to have a nervous meltdown where he starts screaming that he is not Christ Kirkpatrick.

Name: Tony

Occupation: He buys wood.

Chance of Winning: 50% only because he has a kid.

Tony was the other guy who was using his kid from a previous failed marriage as bait. He is a next-level douche who brought a slipper with him (OMG Cinderella GET IT?)and he's one of the guys who used working out as half of his "about me" video. I love the guys using their children as bait, because this is ALSO seemingly a strong indication that you are a terrible life partner and someone chose to raise the child they had with you separately from you. It's like a neon sign that says "look, I'm a bad decision in all probability", at least when you're on a God damn TV show about getting married. I hope he saw Doug's letter from his child stunt, called home immediately and threatened his child with no allowance until he, too, wrote Emily a letter.

Name: Travis

Occupation: Advertising, so making fun of his job would be making fun of myself.

Chance of Winning: 2% just because 1% seemed boring.

Travis, by far, was the highlight of a show. He brought a fucking ostrich egg and said he would hold it and never let it break the entirety of his time on the show because it's a symbol of their love. That is some next level crazy shit, like a girl showing up to a date with pictures of the two of you photoshopped in wedding pictures (which, actually, someone has probably already done on Pinterest). The best part of this is that clearly the egg is going to break, and it's going to be the best episode of all time when it does. If you're going to bring an ostrich egg to a first date, you're never going to get laid, let alone married.

---

So, 4,000 words later, that's where we stand.Moving forward I think we have a pretty interesting field, and I'm looking forward to finally knowing who's "just like us" in US Weekly this season.

I promise to say less in the next post. So, you know. 3,999 words.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 60: If you're going to bring an ostrich egg to a first date, you're never going to get laid.

Stream the whole thing at the link above.

Or.

Download the entire thing in adorable little MP3′s right here.

 

Pinterest, Explained by Someone Who Doesn't Get It

I am a bit of a social media whore. For the most part, I think anyone reading this is (how the hell else did you get here?). But I think sometimes, I am to a fault. I check Facebook incessantly for no reason. I tweet when it's unnecessary. I think in "that'd be a great Instagram shot" thoughts.

Hell, man. Just to blow time, I check Path. I'd imagine this is what becoming a drug addict or a rampant gambler feels like.

Then a funny thing happened.

Pinterest showed up. And I didn't get it.

Unless you live in a dark cave, you've heard of it. I don't know, at this point people in dark caves have probably heard of it. If you have a girlfriend, it's probably helped you understand why women hate fantasy football. Whenever I'm not looking, it's like she's just checking the waiver wire, checking to see if any new pins are available for repin. And here's the thing that really sucks...

I'm bad at it.

How can you be bad at a social network, you ask? I'll explain.

Pinterest is really simple: It's a digital pinboard that you post pretty pictures on. Do you like that outfit that one chick wore to that thing? BOOM. Pin it. Do you like that picture of food? BOOM. Pin it. Do you like that "anything that can be photographed"? BOOM. Pin that shit. Honestly: it's a really simple way to tell people what you like, and I get that.

But when I started trying to do it, I realized I was too late. More than that, I just wasn't good at it. It was the same reason people told me they couldn't relate to Twitter the way I could: they just had nothing to say. And that's the thing: I've got PLENTY to say but not that much to show you. So, essentially, I'm fucked. I'm a person who thinks in words. I lose Pictionary every time I play it but I am a certified sniper when it comes to Catch Phrase.

When I go on Pinterest, I feel like people are speaking Chinese while playing Mouse Trap and patting their head, all at once. I simply cannot keep up with the rate that things are shared. It's not only that, though.

I am just not the demographic.

I'm not saying men can't pin. Look, plenty of them are good at it. I'm just not one of them.

I tried to solve this. Could I emulate other people's boards? Could I simply yoink titles that other people had for their boards and use them as my own? It was that exact moment that I realized just how out of my league I was.

However, I did notice some patterns. On that note.

This is my interpretation of how to use Pinterest.

Make a board about DIY crafting. 

It's funny, no one seemed to be into crafting before Pinterest existed. You never heard people saying in passing, "hey, I tell you about that lamp shade I made out of sequins and old rubber tires?" Now? If i'm to believe my friend's Pinterest boards, everyone spends a majority of their life creating random terrariums or hats that make you look like an owl. This brings up a larger theme that Pinterest has essentially made people more interesting even if they're just lazily throwing pictures up on a board as a new way of hitting the "like" button. And, i'll take it. Why not. I'd rather you be into crafting than the Real Housewives of anything.

Talk about the wedding you're going to have before a man (or woman) has asked to marry you.

Seriously, it doesn't matter: Pinterest allows people to be passive aggressive as shit. Angry he hasn't popped the question yet? Drop a hint and just start posting what the floral arrangements are and what the rose petals will look like on the alter of the venue you've already selected (or all 1,894 of them on another board, entirely optional). While it would be creepy for a girl to do this in her bedroom, with or without a boyfriend, it is in no way creepy on Pinterest. Utterly fascinating to me.

While you're at it, pin what your home is going to look like someday. 

For the most part, we all live in some unbelievably boring place. It probably has some chairs, a bed and some other furniture we can presumably afford (re: shitty furniture) and maybe, just maybe, it's got some trinkets and doodads that make it "so us." Go online, find pictures of rich people's houses and post pictures on a board about what your home is going to look like when you grow up. Maybe a room with a nice lamp. Definitely a crazy nice kitchen with the crap you can't afford at Williams Sonoma. Boom. You did it.

Talk about an eating disorder you may or may not have in way that is juuuust masked enough. 

This goes for both sexes. Sure, no one really wants to hear about if you think you're fat or what weight you're gaining or losing through Facebook or Twitter updates. Those are just words and they sound like someone bitching that you don't want to have drinks with. That sucks, because you know what we all love? Attention (points finger at self as he writes this in the hopes that you will read it). But hey, guess what? Pinterest made it work! Instead, post a picture of good looking people or pictures of food you "can't eat" and now it's just a pretty picture that sorta doesn't have anything to do with you in particular. It's just close enough to sounding like self-improvement, too, so most people are into it.

Pin any well designed picture of a quote that is vague. 

HUGE bonus points if it's a variation of "Keep Calm and Carry On." That shit is so gonna get repined, just wait for the followers to get on your Pin-wagon. While your'e at it..

Find any infographic about anything. 

It honestly doesn't matter. It could be about the ratio of pistachios that get left behind because their shell has that awkward opening that's just not open enough so you can't eat it to pistachios that you can definitely eat. Seriously. It doesn't matter. If it's an infographic? Pin that shit. If you're a brand trying to get into Pinterest in a way that fans will relate to? This is your easiest way to offer kids candy in the back of a Pinterest van. Do it.

Pin pictures of babies doing things. 

It's just vague enough that it doesn't say "I WANT A BABY". It's saying, "hey, don't blame me, I'm just looking at adorable babies doing some adorable shit, what's wrong with that?" Babies are the cats of Pinterest. They're pretty much an easy go-to.

Pin pictures of tiny animals.

No matter what. Don't think, just pin that shit. Baby giraffe? Boom. Monkey riding a pig? Boom.

Pin any picture of food. 

Food was the one thing that got a little left behind when Twitter started. Explaining food isn't as cool as seeing food. Guess what? If you joined Pinterest, you just went from making Kraft Macaroni and Cheese to cooking some kind of dumpling you've never heard of with ingredients you can only buy in places that don't exist. And you're putting bacon on everything. Pinterest made everyone a foodie.

Finally, when all else fails…

Just repin anything someone else pins with a lot of followers. It's just like any other social network, guys. We're all just yelling the same thing at each other.

It's not that I don't like Pinterest. I actually really do. I just feel like I'm not good at that, and like a kid throwing things on the playground, i'm bummed out. It's just like Twitter for me for a different breed of person: I've seen people become legitimate friends in real life because they liked someone's boards. It blows my mind.

If statistics are correct, it's gonna outgrow Facebook, Twitter, Twitface, Facer, Facertweet…it's gonna be the next big thing. Hell, it's already been the next big thing for longer than you think. And this is why.

Ever watched girls on a couch while guys watch football? They often look at fashion magazines/anything and just show other girls what they're looking at and say, "that's cute."

That's Pinterest.

Forget the "like" button.

Just make the "that's cute" button already.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 59: Pin This Sh*t.

Stream the whole thing right here.

Or.

Download the entire thing in adorable little MP3′s right here.

I'm Not Gay. I'm a Girl.

For a lot of my life, people have said that I'm "sorta gay." And, I get it. I'm pretty effeminate for a dude. Which is funny, because I used the word "pretty" to qualify that statement.

But, no, I get it. I just don't think "gay" is the right word.

I'm girly.

There's a huge difference. I feel bad for gay guys who get pigeonholed into the thought process that being "girly" makes them gay. No, being gay makes them gay.  I can imagine this bothers gay dudes. They just aren't that into girls, so I'm sure they don't want to be told that they are one.

What I am is an entirely different thing.

See, in my formative years, I was raised by a single mom. A single mom who had wanted a girl since she was about -22 years old. Imagine the feeling, then, of not getting a girl. The feeling of getting a household full of burping, farting boys instead. Boys that would never appreciate her love of shoes or bags. Boys that would not appreciate the haircut she got, did you notice? Boys that, put simply, would never be her daughter.

And then I happened.

Sure, I have plenty of total "dude" qualities. Left to my own devices, I'd watch Sportscenter on loop all day. I love movies where shit blows up for no reason. I like whiskey and scotch. I don't understand why it takes so long for girls to get ready. Fill in the next man cliche here. That's the thing: I'm just "dude" enough that most guys don't notice that I'm a girl in man's clothing.

Because then there's the "raised by a woman" part of me.

I love shoes.

Let me say that again.

I fucking love shoes. If buying pairs of them were a sport, I'm Tiger Woods pre-ambien meltdown.

I buy product. Not shampoo, or soap. I buy "product." My shower houses two salon pumps of Bumble and Bumble, Kiehl's and Bliss face wash, and something called "minty scrub soap." I own eye creams. Notice the "s" there? That's because I own multiple eye creams.

I just want to talk. All the time. About nothing but feelings. I have feelings bulimia.

I talk about celebrities using only their first names.

I say an uncomfortable amount of the phrases featured in the Shit Girls Say video.

I do like to dance like no one is watching.

I enjoy a good romantic comedy. So much so that I am ordered to take my best friend (a girl, obviously) to movies by her husband who doesn't want to see them.

I own Ani Difranco albums (this one arguably makes me a lesbian, but they are still girls the last time I checked).

I've been the only male invited to not one but two baby showers.

I cry when I get too drunk.

I am the closest thing a male can get to having a period.

And you know what? Screw it, man. It's who I am.

I'm not a gay guy.

I'm a f%*king girl.

The other day, I was sitting in a cubicle at an office of about 100 people I don't know. I was blaring music in headphones when a song came on that I really liked. It was catchy as all hell, the hook was great. And this is what it sounded like.

Around the fifteenth listen, I wrote my friend Julie this exact statment:

"I'm sitting in a corporate office writing serious ideas about a large brand...with this playing in my headphones. No one around me has any idea. Is this what it feels like to be in the closet?"

To answer my own question:

Yes. This is what it feels like to be in the closet. But not the gay closet.

The "girly dude" closet.

You're all invited to join. I've got at least one pair of shoes for everyone.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 58: Songs I'd Play For You If You Called Me (Maybe)

Stream Disc One right here or download the whole thing in mp3's right here.

Stream Disc Two right here or download the whole thing in mp3's right here.

The Life of a Bro-ster (I'm in The Bold Italic)

I really love The Bold Italic. I have ever since I randomly stumbled on them one evening, when I was probably a bottle of wine deep watching a movie I didn't want people to know about. (A League of Their Own.)

(No, seriously. It was probably A League of Their Own. If you don't like that movie, you're a bad person and don't laugh at commercials with talking animals.)

But, no. I like them a lot. They embody everything I wanted to be a part of when I decided one day that I'd actually like to be a writer. So, I sent them a wacky idea that was pretty (wait for it) self-deprecating and they were into it. And they published it. And made pictures for it. Which makes it feel like I'm a real boy.

The link below is the post I wrote for them about my ridiculous identity crisis that has been boiling up for over six years in San Francisco. Thank you so much to The Bold Italic for being the first pub to put a little faith in Rocket Shoes. Here's hoping I can write 4,934 more for you.

The Life of a Bro-ster.

There's Always SkyMall

A couple of weeks ago, I quit my job to go out into the world of freelance writing. Which basically means I stopped receiving money on purpose.

Which basically seems like a questionable life choice.

But frankly, when you do this, there are a few things that can happen: people will think you are funny and/or talented and hire you to write words again or you will die in an unemployed fire (or just be unemployed, develop an extreme drinking problem which will, in turn, cause you to be a fantastic writer again. I know, right? I love this job)…

Or you will realize that everything has words attached to it. Everything. And someone...SOMEONE is going to have to employ you. Hear me out.

Have you ever looked at crap and wondered:

A) WHY is this a thing? (Prime examples: an electronic tie rack, capri pants a.k.a.the pant that can't decide what it wants to be, 1,308 varieties of dish soap named after mountain peaks that do not exist that you have not gone to because they do not exist, etc)

B) WHO the F*CK wrote the words explaining that thing?

You probably don't experience "B" a lot unless you are a writer or a stoner (or both, which is usually the case, let's put our fingers on our noses and point at ourselves).

I think about "A" and "B" a lot. And I think about "B" so much so that I thought a full-time job wasn't required. You know why?

Because it leads me to believe that there are a lot of things that need words out there. A lot of useless, unbelievably strange things that can't even be explained by the people who make and sell them (!!).

I know this because every time I'm on an airplane, I read SkyMall.

SkyMall is perplexing because it's like 4,897 of those kiosks in the middle of a mall that oh my God WHO is going to that thing to buy a cell phone cover?

That's SkyMall: the mini-mall of mini-malls.

It's even more perplexing because someone IS going to that thing. They are buying things from SkyMall. They are buying things that are inexplicable, unnecessary…and amazing. And those things have descriptions.

Here are a few of my favorites. Remember: THEY ARE SELLING THESE THINGS ON AN AIRPLANE, AND PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY BUYING THEM, SO MUCH SO THAT THE MAGAZINE HAS BEEN IN PRINT FOR UPWARDS OF FOUR DECADES.

And, yeah: These are real things that I may just write for someday.

---

Product: Protein Ketchup

Tagline: "Finally, a ketchup that's good for you!"

Analysis: Was this a 'thing'? Were people really avoiding ketchup because they couldn't load up on it before a workout? Was that the #1 problem with ketchup? Did they hire anyone to research this, or just get drunk one night and write this and send it in before thinking? I hope their next product is "Water: It won't drunk dial you."

---

Product: Military Binoculars

Tagline: "See the color of an eagle's eye…FROM A MILE AWAY!"

Analysis: I want to buy a pair so that this conversation can go down at my apartment someday:

Friend: "Wow. Drew. These binoculars are AWFULLY big. What are they for?"

Me: "Seeing the color of an eagle's eye."

Friend: "Why would I ever need to do tha-"

Me: "Brown. Slight green tint. It's hungry, and it's girlfriend's name is Sandra. It's lonely, but it knows it will see better days once the winter passes."

Friend: "Nevermind. I get it. I. Get. It."

---

Product: Gravity Defyer Trampoline Shoe (GDefy for short, obvi)

Tagline: "Now you can escape the power of gravity."

Analysis: I mean, that's just an extremely aggressive statement. Just extremely, extremely aggressive.

---

Product: Sound-Activated Video Camera Pen

Tagline: "Perfect for collecting solid evidence that requires discretion."

Analysis: Is James Bond flying coach? Are people getting so sketchy that they'd buy a $179 pen to see if their significant other is cheating? Here's an easier way: ask them if they are cheating. Maybe don't buy the $200 decoder ring pen.

---

Product: Litter Kwitter Cat Toilet Training System

Tagline: "Potty train your cat faster than most people can potty train their kids."

Analysis: What I really enjoyed about this one (beyond the cat pissing-pissing-in-a-toilet visual and the fact that only "most" of America could potty train their kids faster than a cat, not "all") was the use of "kw" instead of "qu". It wasn't like being interested in this product was enough to secure that you'd die alone…the fact that you'd buy a product that spelled the word quitter with a "kw" really puts it over the top. Like, just buy 42 cats and lock the door to your apartment and become the next episode of CSI. You're already there, you don't even need the product.

---

Product: The Password Vault (A small LCD electronic device that stores all of your passwords that…requires a password)

Tagli…no, you know what? No. I'm not even bothering. Let me say that again: it's a device that stores your passwords in a small, easily losable device that requires a password. NO. NNNNO. 

---

Product: Bigfoot, the Bashful Yeti Tree Sculpture

Tagline: "If you've never spotted Bigfoot, perhaps it's just because he's been hiding behind the nearest tree!"

Analysis: I mean. I'd make fun. But let's be real…I came real close to buying this, but I do not have "a tree", let alone many that would require the phrase "nearest". There was also a Texas Armadillo Beverage holder that I thought was ridiculous. I love that I drew the line there.

---

Product: Bigfoot, the Garden Yeti Statue. (Different company makes this one.) (!!)

Tagline: "…guests will be doing a double-take as they admire your creative home or garden style!"

Analysis: Who cares about the writing: I'm just mind blown that two different companies are competitively marketing bigfoot statues against each other in the same magazine/at all. Can you imagine if the neighbors got the statue after you had already bought the tree sculpture?

Husband: "Did you hear? Don across the street brought the Garden Yeti Statue."

Wife: "Seriously?"

Husband: "Seriously."

(long, long pause)

Wife: "Unbelievable. Un-F*%KING BELIEVABLE."

---

Product: The Big Pitcher (it's a big water pitcher)

Tagline: "Water is life! Drink healthy with The Big Pitcher!"

Analysis: (golf claps) Oh I see what you did there. 

---

Product: No! No! Skin

Tagline: "No pimples in no time."

Analysis: I get it. You wanted to say the word "no" twice to reiterate that not only would you have no pimples, you'd not have them in no time. Here's the problem: your product is a laser that I point at my face. A robot that shoots a laser at my face. So saying "NO NO SKIN" makes me feel like I will have no..no skin. And that sorta bums me out. Maybe have a look at the ad before you just give SkyMall the green light next time. People might be reading this wrong. (No! No! Hair was available too. But I already have! have! that).

---

Product: SkyRest Travel Pillow 

Tagline: "This person is able to sleep comfortably in any seat. Can you say the same?"

Analysis: I mean, no. You know what? Wanted to argue this one, because I'm not sure who has the balls to bring this (and use it) on a plane. But you're right, SkyRest. Your threatening tone is right: I can't say the same. +1 for terror pillow marketing.

--

It's a competitive job market out there for writers. I imagine there will be plenty of times I live in fear in between jobs, no doubt.

But hey, let's face it...

I can probably always write for SkyMall.

Probably always.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 57: Songs That You Can Enjoy With Any Backyard Bigfoot Statue

Stream the whole thing at the link above (or by clicking on the picture with the SkyMall magazine in it that you would probably be reading if you were on an airplane).

Or.

Download the entire thing in adorable little MP3′s right here.

I Have a Pedialyte Drinking Problem, Toothpaste Scares Me, and So Forth.

If I were a cop, I'd just park across the street from a KFC/Taco Bell every night. I mean, it's gotta be a 100% arrest rate when people drive out of the drive-thru, right? Anyone buying an actual bucket of chicken or a sandwich with two pieces of fried chicken used as the bread are on drugs 1,976% of the time. If you are a policeman and you are reading this, congratulations. I just got you promoted to a job where you don't have to sit outside of a KFC/Taco Bell arresting people. I am confused by people who sign up to be urologists for a living. Look. I'm just sayin'. I don't know how much the money differential is, but I'm guessing it's a lot or most of these guys are closeted, because I have one and even I would argue that I don't really want to look at penises for a living. Like, you had a choice. Of ANY body part, and you said, "Penises. I choose to look at Penises for a living." Really? Were the check boxes like this?

YOUR CHOICES:

Face Doctor - 200k w/ benefits.

Foot Doctor - 300k w/ benefits, because feet are weird.

Penis Doctor - 1 BILLION DOLLARS. ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY YOU WANT. SERIOUSLY. YOU'RE GOING TO LOOK AT PENISES ALL DAY.

*My favorite part about writing this…when I did about two months ago…was finding out approximately one week later that my cousin Laura is a urologist. I'm sorry Laura. I'm a dick. HEY-O!

I have a pediatric electrolyte supplement drinking problem. You should read that back, but out loud this time. It turns out it's a killer way to cure a hangover. The only catch is that you're drinking something that a baby drinks when it has diarrhea. So, you can imagine how that conversation is when you ask a Walgreen's employee where the baby formula aisle is with no baby in sight. Or what it looks like when you are feverishly pounding a bottle of grape on your way to work and people in other cars are looking at you. Ready for this? I now even eat the FREEZER POPS that they sell, because that's not weird. But hey, guess what: I'm hydrated, motherf*cker. What are you?

I don't understand how people design traffic light systems. It just seems like it would be really complicated. I know, because in Sim City I was terrible at it and it had to be the most stressful thing in the world when my not real people were getting in not real traffic jams that were making them late for their not real home lives, which presumably caused them to get not real divorced and THAT'S ON ME AND I LIVE WITH IT EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Oh, Republicans. You guys had it so easy in the coming election year. I say that because America is generally batshit crazy and I just figured that they wouldn't be cool with having a black guy as our president for more than four years before they had a "THE CIVIL WAR ISN'T OVER" panic attack. To be fair, it sort of still sounds like that's happening. And in that instance, it seems like to win the hearts of your batshit crazy cohorts, all you had to do was nominate two "not black guys" and…no, you know what? You honestly had to just nominate anyone who didn't sound like they had been drinking all morning before they started filming things and you probably would have had the next President elect. But you sure found a way to…not do that. Your current nominee options are Rick Perry, Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich. So basically:

1) The only guy in Texas who manages to make George Bush look like a Rhodes Scholar.

2) A crazy Mormon who believes in magical underpants. (!!)

and

3) ….Newt Gingrich. Who I'm pretty sure has been running for president since 1848. (Probably not gonna happen, big guy. Maybe sit this one out.)

What's even more amazing is that you ruled out one other guy because he was quoting Pokemon in his speeches. (!!!)

So, in advance, may I say thank you from every Democrat. We're running against the equivalent of mouth breathers in sweatpants with weird mustard stains in the corner of their lips. Things are looking up.

There are too many toothpaste options these days, and my neurotic brain can't handle it. 

Toothpaste Brand: "Do you want whitening?"

Drew: "Sure."

Toothpaste Brand: "Do you want tartar control?"

Drew: "I mean, I'd assume so, sure…you guys are the experts."

Toothpaste Brand: "Do you want extra whitening?"

Drew: "…well, sure. Why didn't you just put the 'extra' in the last batch.."

Toothpaste Brand: "3-D whitening?"

Drew: "Wait, what?"

Toothpaste Brand: "How about cavity protection."

Drew: "Dude, what the f*ck. Why wasn't I getting that before?"

Toothpaste Brand: "How about an extreme clean?"

Drew: "…"

Then again, I guess I've never been able to make up my mind about this. Ever.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 56: A Mix For Cops To Listen To Outside of a KFC/Taco Bell

Stream the whole thing at the link above (or by clicking on the picture with too much toothpaste in it).

Or.

Download the entire thing in adorable little MP3′s right here.

 

I Got So Sober Last Night, Dude.

Dude, I got so sober last night. Ridic. Like, shit went off. Were you even there? At Trader Joes? I can't even remember man, I was so sober, just buying lentils and shit. At one point I think I was grabbing affordable chicken breasts marinated in balsamic and rosemary and totally eating handfuls of those everything pretzel chips, straight out the bag, yo. At one point I saw people throwing those pretzel nuggets with the peanut butter in them in the air. No dude, seriously, girls were catching them in their mouths. I tried to snap a pic , but then I got caught up looking at those sweet sunrise pics I took at the beach the other day when I went for an early run. I dropped a Brannan filter on that shit, dude. You should see it. Light flares were everywhere, I was tweetin' like, "Look at how sober I am on a Saturday, yo!" I sure wish I had those chicks eating the pretzels now though, man. That was hot.

We went to get tapas at around four o'clock that day, dude. I was like, "WHERE THEM SMALL PLATES AT? Don't skimp on the Tuna Tartare, I'll send it back if their aren't at least four wonton crackers carefully balanced between those cubes of freshly caught ahi, motherfucker." When the waiter was like, "you guys want still or sparkling?" I was like, "oh hell no, bring that stuff with bubbles, man. We're getting straight sober tonight."

I left for a bit to hit a spin class. Yeah, just to get a little cardio in so I could get good, restful sleep that night and not feel bad about my caloric intake from all those tapas. Some people have been doing that hard shit. Pilates and that Bikram, yo. But I dunno, I've got an addictive personality, and I don't want people judging. Anyway, I get pretty high off a good spin class, so no need to overdo it.

Yeah, I'm so awake today, dude. I haven't been this awake since that last time we got all sober on that one Wednesday. Yeah, man, remember that? That one in April? You came home at a moderate hour and were like, "man, I might catch up on my DVR tonight." And then I was all, "cool, I'm pretty tired and might just fall asleep about three quarters of the way into a documentary on Netflix." We got crazy sober that night and were like, "NEVER again!" Guess what? BOOM. Blew that one.

I know, I know. I'm thinking of slowing down, don't worry. It's just like, it's always "I just gotta get one thing at Target" or "I'm totally out of t-shirts and gotta do laundry and they shut off the dryer at 9pm." And then before you know it, i'm all crazy sober again talking about training for a half marathon with four other sober people. I sorta wonder if everyone at work notices when I get in all early.

I can stop whenever I want though. It's not like a problem. I could seriously go out tonight and get drunk. But like, I don't want to, you know? Like, whatever: I wanna send out massive amounts of network invitations on LinkedIn tonight, so what. I'm almost 30 and it's like, this is what I'm into. If you aren't, you know…no big deal. You live your life and I'll live mine. I hate people who are all judgmental.

Anyway, I gotta run. This girl I just started seeing hasn't seen a single episode of Friday Night Lights and I was like WHAAAT. We have GOT to get all sober and watch that on your couch! I'm just happy I finally met someone as wild as I am. Can you imagine the crazy sleep we're gonna get together?

If People Updated Facebook With Actual Thoughts and/or Feelings

The other day I was talking to my friend Lesley on the subject of how other people are doing that we haven't spoken to in a while. By that, I mean we were casually judging the shit out of people's lives that we:

- Don't know that well anymore.

- Never knew that well to begin with.

- Actually do not know. Are we friends with them on Facebook? Of course. But we are in no way friends in real life with them because we share absolutely nothing in common besides a casual like of television. Or eating (which are amazing things to be able to "like" on Facebook, ps).

But that's my point: we were sitting there talking about people's lives as we know them to be, entirely based upon facts we'd gleamed from reading their Facebook status updates and monitoring the crap they hit "like" for on the internet. Which is the equivalent to deciding whether a baby is doing well or not based on what he made a noise at that day. Spoiler alert: presumably everything.

Which brings me to the amazing portion of the conversation.

Drew: "Have you seen (name of person I am judging) lately? He seems to be doing really well."

Lesley: "Oh, you've talked to him recently?"

Drew: "No. But I saw him standing in front of an expensive home with a nice car and a girl with fake boobs. So, you know. Did the math there."

Lesley: "Yeah but, who puts shit on Facebook that's actually happening in their life? If you did, it would be wildly hilarious, or depressing."

Yes, Lesley. Yes it would.

So I began to think about a world where people actually wrote on Facebook and took the statement, "What's on your mind?" a bit more…literally.

And these are the funny things I think people would actually say if they were telling the truth on Facbeook.

"Today was pretty great! Went for a run and thought about my ex-girlfriend the entire time and the guy she's probably sleeping with! I feel great, physically, but mentally I'm a total trainwreck!"

"Sarah is attending 'Tara's 31st Part-ay' on November 6th. She has no idea why, she fucking hates Tara. But, I dunno. Other people are going and she doesn't want to look like a bitch."

"Drank an entire bottle of wine last night. Woke up borderline worried I'm an alcoholic."

"I just made weird faces in the mirror for no apparent reason."

"I don't know the capital of Montana."

"I just paid too much rent for my apartment that I can't afford again. Tonight I will go to bed terrified of things like bills and whether or not I'm on a good enough life trajectory."

"I just cried."

"Just spent a good portion of the night stalking that one girl I saw the other day. I feel a little weird about it. But at least now I know her favorite movie is Weekend at Bernies. Which, to be fair, surprised me a little."

"Just read my ex's Facebook wall for about 20 minutes. Who the fuck is Paul? Why is he writing all over her wall? Also: if you want to check out his profile, he always takes out of focus pictures and he's not funny. I can't believe she's dating this douche. (Jenny, if you're reading this…this is the guy you're dating now? Are you dating Paul?)"

"I just had an awkward conversation with my boyfriend about moving in together. We fought. So now I'm posting a funny inside joke on his wall that will detract from the conversation that I will bring up again in about a week when I'm drunk and we're out with friends!"

"I just liked…I mean you know what, I have no idea why I just liked that. Wait, that shit showed up on my newsfeed?"

"Just posted a really great picture of myself someone took two years ago as my profile picture! I never look like that, i'm actually much heavier these days!"

"I just searched 'male pajama onesie' on Google. To detract from that, here's a picture of me without my shirt on looking masculine."

"I wonder if I'll be alone forever! LOVE YOU, GIRLS, SAT NIGHT WAS TOTES FUN!!"

"I have diarrhea. It's pretty terrible."

"I just liked a photo on my friend's wall. But only because there was a hot girl in it, and I wonder if she saw that I liked it and then checked me out. Probably not. Mike, are you dating that chick? I mean, if not. Just sayin'."

"I just watched an entire season of The Wire in one sitting. I haven't showered yet today. I smell terrible."

"I just went to the bathroom."

"I am now friends with your friend Jenny. Because I slept with her after the party last night, so logically, now we're Facebook friends, in a roundabout way of letting everyone know that yes, we're sort of into each other or at least had relations."

"I haven't gone outside yet today. I have no itention to."

"I went to a fancy restaurant with a one word name so I could tell people about it later!"

"I just played the song 'A Milli' by Lil Wayne over and over again until I memorized that one really hard line that I could never get, so that the next time it plays at a party, I'll know it and recite it and people will notice and be impressed with me."

"I am searching random diseases I may have on WebMD right now, because I'm neurotic. Oh, and it's a Saturday night."

"I just searched 'Kim Kardashian' sex tape. For no apparent reason. I'm surprised at how easy that was to find."

"I just talked to my dog. Like he was a person. I'm home alone."

So.

You know.

I basically just explained Twitter.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 55: Unicorns Aren't Real, Just Like People's Emotions on Facebook.

Stream the whole thing at the link above.

Or.

Download the entire thing in adorable little MP3′s right here.

An Open Letter To People Who Dress Up For Halloween 7 to 14 Days Early.

Dear Guy/Girl in the Costume on October 20th, Hey! What's up? Where you headed to? I only ask because you're wearing a slutty maid costume and it's a Thursday evening around the middle of October. What's that? A Halloween party?

Oh. That's Weird. Because Halloween isn't for another week.

You're not alone. I saw on my way over here:

- Three guys wearing a makeshift Gosling-From-Drive costume.

- 1,829 Charlie Sheen "Costumes."

- A girl who was wearing a "costume", but I think she just bought a bunch of spandex and a headband.

- Wayne and Garth (to be fair, this one was pretty good)

So maybe I missed it but…isn't Halloween this week? And if so, why are we all wearing costumes a week before?

Look. I get it, we're all excited. Hell, when I was a kid? I had a "bucket of swords" and couldn't leave the house without grabbing one. I also wore a cape pretty much every day, but I suppose that's another issue.

The thing is, the phrase there that should stick out is "when I was a kid."

I'm asking as a favor: please stop jumping the shark. Or else the world is just going to collectively become one big Burning Man event…and lord knows we're all terrified as fuck of that.

This terrifies me. People are going to start opening Christmas presents in October. Pumpkin Spiced Latte's will be served in May (throwing off the entire female space-time-pumpkin-spice-latte continuum). We'll start having fourteen new years eve's…which we sort of do anyway, because it involves "drinking at midnight." So there's that.

There are a few people who are allowed to be in costume anytime they'd like. Those people are, as follows:

- Strippers (their costume is "sadness", mainly)

- Old People (because old people are sort of accidental costumes...think about it.)

- Homeless People (another accidental costume)

- Firemen

- Anyone who works at Hot Dog on a Stick.

But the problem is: you're ruining it for everyone. Just have a little patience. You'll get that day. And when it comes? Slut it up. Be a children's sized super-hero costume. Be whatever your little heart desires.

But it's not Halloween on October 20th. Knock that shit off.

Love,

Drew

 

I Have Never Closed My Eyes. Ever.

I was informed today by someone with a medical degree that I have not been able to close my eyes my entire life. I'll wait while you digest that.

No, seriously: A doctor told me that I am incapable, and have been my ENTIRE LIFE, of closing my eyes. (!!!)

This was the actual conversation.

Drew: "My eyes just feel really tired. And dry. Pretty much always. So there's that."

(Doctor inspects eyes.)

Doctor: "Well. You can't fully close your eyes it appears."

Drew: "…"

Doctor: "Yes. You have a slight opening between your eyelid and your eye. Has anyone ever told you while you were sleeping that your eye is sort of open?"

Drew: "Wouldn't it be more strange/creepy…take your pick, really...that they were just staring at me in my sleep?"

Doctor: "Well, you can't close your eyes fully. So you're eyes are just permanently dry. We'll have to get you some eye drops and.."

Drew: "Can we go back to the part where I've never closed my eyes my entire life?"

Doctor: "Sure."

Drew: "Could we fix that?"

Doctor: "No. I mean, technically you've always had one eye open!"

(Doctor laughs at her own joke.)

(Drew does not laugh at doctor's joke.)

I'm clearly presented with two options: be wildly depressed that I'm always going to be sort of tired looking, or simply embrace the fact that oh my god there are so many funny jokes that could come out of this.

I'll obviously choose a healthy dose of both. But the latter is way more fun.

Here are some things that I now know about my life, and/or things that you could laugh about due to the fact that I have theoretically never actually closed my eyes.

I have technically been cheating at hide-n-go-seek my entire life. So, sorry if I ever was "it" and found you really quickly. Apparently I was looking.

I have never lost a staring contest. Ever.

I'm apparently better at not getting shampoo in my eyes than you are. Because we weren't on an even playing field. On that note…

It totally makes sense why I ALWAYS get suntan lotion in my eyes. This has been a running joke with my friends ever since we were little. We figured I was just the worst at applying suntan lotion, ever. And that may still very well be the case. But still. This makes so much more sense now.

I have never kissed a girl with my eyes closed. So technically, I could be that "creepy guy who always kept his eyes open" to some girl. Sorry, some girl. I was trying.

I could be in a few films and they'd be sort of amazing. 

FILM 1: Don't Blink - The story of a man whom, after scientific testing by the government gone horribly awry, could no longer keep his eyes closed. Though a tortured soul, I'd become a huge asset to the government, as I would be an ideal sniper and/or guy who stays up on watch all night. Sample dialogue:

Bad Guy: "Blink and you might miss it."

Drew: "Don't worry. (GUN COCKING NOISE). I won't."

FILM 2: Cries WIthout Tears - The story of a man born into a Native American tribe who is originally cast aside…but then brought in as one of their own when they realize he can't close his eyes and they realize his gift for "seeing everything" they cannot, both metaphorically and literally, of course.

I can't wink. At least now I have a bad/good excuse.

I have a really good excuse for having red eyes if anyone ever says I look high. I can just tell them that my eyes are open ALL THE TIME and i'm NOT LYING. Like, what?

And finally…It's always going to make me laugh now when Aladdin says "Don't you dare close your eyes!" during the song A Whole New World.

Because I can't, Aladdin.

I can't.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 54: Songs That Are Great, Even If You Can't Close Your Eyes. Ever.

Stream the whole thing at the link above.

Or.

Download the entire thing in adorable little MP3′s right here.

 

Board Games. Revisited as an Adult.

I am not a competitive person by nature. I'm certainly not someone who's ever going to get something by means of bargaining or having that "killer instinct" that people speak of that gets you ahead in life. (Side note: Can we talk about how messed up the term "killer instinct" is? We casually throw around that people have an instinct that gets them ahead in life because it resembles a cold blooded human being who kills other people for sport. That's cool. You can have the last Tostito.)

I was thinking about this the other day, and I realized that this is why I've always been terrible at board games. And, inversely, why I've been terrible at a lot of rudimentary things in life. Money management. Property acquisition. The ability to completely screw someone over without wanting to talk about their feelings afterwards.

And when you think about it: board games are actually just a really f*%ked up way to learn about life and how it's going to go down. Essentially, we're providing children an oddly solid grasp of how the world works through a man with a monocle and a game revolving around murdering people in rooms with silly names.

So. Of course. I went fifteen steps further and started overanalyzing it.

Here's a breakdown of a few popular board games you probably grew up with and the life lessons they were probably striving to teach you.

Monopoly

Monopoly is a game that, title alone, should be a red flag. When you grow up, you learn that having a "monopoly" over anything is everything that is wrong in the world, so much so that we're having a bunch of protests regarding such behavior right now. But guess what: slap a shoe or a small terrier and some colors on it, and you've got yourself a hilarious game in which you strive to push your friends into bankruptcy.

Let's go through this.

The point of the game is to buy property while every now and then crossing an ambiguous place called "go" to sustain a bank account (pssst: in the real world it's called "paycheck every two weeks"). The larger goal is to "monopolize" the board. To literally buy everything and charge anyone for going near it. From time to time you go to jail (which oddly just sorta flies under the radar, I mean..who's like "Whoops! Carl went to jail again, I sure hope he rolls doubles!"). Oh, and also? There's a part of the board called "chance", slightly indicating to children that from time to time things might go horribly wrong or great for no apparent reason. Oh, and once a friend gets poor? You become a maniacal, horrible person who sits and waits to literally charge the crap out of them for nothing.

This game apparently did nothing for my property owning and renting skills, as I still seem to be playing the board game in real life, except now I make the same horrible fiscal decisions but with real money:

Drew: "So the place comes with -398 sq feet, the bathroom is pretty much inside of the room, which, let's be real Bob, we'll just call it a room because the bedroom is a part of the 'room' i'll be renting out. The stove doesn't work. There is a Mexican coke dealer who lives next door, and my hallway looks like the scene from The Shinning with the two little girls."

Landlord: "It's about $1400 dollars and.."

Drew: "I'LL TAKE IT!"

The game takes 4,978 hours to play, is run by an adorable man with a silly monocle and most people die before they can even finish it or reap the benefits of their investments.

Just sayin'.

Battleship

Battleship is a game that lets people know how the world works if you were to ever go to war. Basically: fire missiles with blatant disregard as to who or where you are shooting them at, hope they hit something, and if they do continue to do so until someone dies a horrible death. If this game is correct, it takes approximately 3-5 ambiguous missiles to destroy ships.

So that's cool.

Life

Life is probably the most wildly accurate of any game. Ready?

The game literally emulates life in the most depressing regard ever.

It's tag line? It's a game of twists and turns/Where will your choices take you? (I mean, Jesus.)

You go around a board and either get a good job or a bad job. If you go to college? You can make more money and eventually end up at a place called Millionaire Acres. If you don't? You can actually go to a place called the poor farm (I mean, again..Jesus).

When you have children in the game, they are identified as a peg you throw in the back of your car. If you obtained a fifth child, you had to lay them sideways in your vehicle because that was the board game way of saying use a goddamn condom.

And there was a tile on the board that you could land on titled "Revenge."

That shit's real, kids.

Guess Who

During your childhood, you are taught to never talk to strangers. When you grow up, you learn that the entire goal of life is to talk to strangers until one of them eventually sleeps with you and you make babies with them.

Guess Who emulates for children the practice of going to a bar: you throw out random attributes that someone may or may not have. When you eventually get close enough to guessing what you're looking for, you win.

Fairly accurate.

Operation

When you grow up, you may want to go into the field of medicine. When you do, if you want to make the big bucks, you should look into being a surgeon (or a lawyer, Mom, I know…I KNOW).

If you do become a surgeon, this game is really going to f*%king pay off.

Essentially, just try to open someone up and do not hit the ambiguous "sides". Make sure to use tweezers to remove the bad things. If you do this successfully, you make a shit ton of money. If you don't, their nose will illuminate. That or the red light that signifies their heart has stopped beating.

I was bad at this game. Sorry, Jewish family.

Clue

Clue was pretty amazing. A big no-no in life is killing people, in general. A big yes-yes in life is pointing the finger at people and blaming them without much real reasoning or backing: just have a vague idea that they were the one that did "it" ('it" being anything, really) and throw the book at them (turns out the legal system is pretty close to the game Clue, which is in no way terrifying).

The best part about Clue is that they didn't just let children know that people are probably going to kill people when they grow up, they let them know that they are presumably going to do it in some of the most f*%ked up ways possible.

For instance, one day you may be trapped in a place where an attractive woman will either have a lead pipe, a gun, a rope that she will hang you with, a candlestick or a wrench. When people aren't looking, she is going to kill you. Good luck.

So, you know. Don't kill people. But if you are ever in a situation where someone has a lead pipe, a gun, a rope that they will hang you with, a candlestick or a wrench? It's best to at least know what room they are going to do it in.

At least then you'll win.

Sorry

Sorry is, without question, my favorite board game. There doesn't seem to be a lot of real life going on here. But ohhhhh that's where you're wrong.

The whole point of Sorry is to just get home. That's it. You just want to get your people home. Which, metaphorically, seems sort of heartwarming.

But here's the catch:

Do not EVER turn your back, kids, because some fucker is going to come out of nowhere and he/she is going to ruin your goddamn day and completely stab you in the back. To make matters worse, they are required to say, "sorry" when they do.

But. I mean.

At least they'll say sorry.

It's the little things, I guess.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 53: In Retrospect, Board Games Are Sorta F*%ked Up

Stream the whole thing at the link above.

Or.

Download the entire thing in adorable little MP3′s right here.

Why I Stopped Following You Or Defriended You On A Popular Social Network

I'm passive aggressively letting you know that I'm not concerned with your life's mundane activities anymore. I'm aggressively letting you know that I'm over you.

You talk about your baby too much. I don't have a baby, so this makes no sense to me. Don't be offended, it's more like a hobby that I don't understand. Maybe when I have a baby we can be friends again.

#youwrite #toomany things with #hashtags in it and I fE#el Like I'm #reading transmissions from a ro#bot.

You got a boyfriend, and it sorta bummed me out.

You are having entire back and forth conversations with your friend (that have gone way beyond the internet socially acceptable one to two public replies) and you're clogging up my feed.

You just keep saying how much you hate "New Facebook" on Facebook and Twitter.

(Ugh. I hate New Facebook.)

You have tweeted over ten times in the last 15 minutes. Most people don't say that many things in public.

You're at Coachella and I'm not. Fuck. I should have gone to Coachella.

You checked into Walgreens on foursquare, and then posted that on Facebook and Twitter. It was unimportant on the first social network you used. Three was overkill.

We went to high school together. I didn't know you then. Turns out you're still not saying anything interesting.

You followed me. I didn't know who you were, but I followed you back. But then I realized you don't live anywhere near me and we share nothing in common. I'm trying to gracefully irish exit this online friendship. Don't make it weird.

You are a porn star who used to be funny and post inappropriate things, but now you just talk about being a vegan, which is sorta like birthday cake becoming lima beans.

You write blog posts that seem to be primarily about yourself, and then you post them on every social network that you are on, and it doesn't seem like you have any shame in your self promotion.

You stopped following me and it hurt me for some surprising reason. Now I'm not following you to make a point.

Wait, so you noticed I stopped following you? So you DO still think about me. Okay, I'll follow you again.

You are tweeting about how crazy your office is, and telling me that "this is how you roll at (blank corporation)." I don't work at (blank corporation), and really, you only needed to notify me of how you roll once.

You write replies to over 6 people in a tweet. Again: most people don't talk to this many people at once in public. You have used your entire 140 characters to identify the names you would like to speak to, thus not allowing yourself space to say anything. You're doing it wrong.

You are writing an inside joke that I don't get, and since I don't get it, I'm going to throw down my internet and get angwy because I WANNA BE IN ON THE JOKE, TOO.

You just keep saying you're hungry. Or that you want to nap. I mean, just go for it. We're not dating, you do not need my internet permission.

Your new profile picture makes you look less attractive than I remember you being.

Your profile picture is your dog or cat.

Your profile picture is you and your boyfriend. Look, I tried to hang in there when you got a boyfriend, and at start I just buried you on my feed. But now you commented on a mutual friend's post and I saw that profile picture and we gotta end this. I'm sorry.

You are being vague about everything you talk about. I honestly just don't know what you're talking about anymore. Are you sad? Are you happy? Do you WANT to tell the internet what's going on? Do you NOT want to tell the internet what's going on? Why are you talking to the internet?

You are posting about political things using poor grammar. I can't tell you how dead to me you are.

I literally don't know who you are and don't know how you ended up on my feed. Did I follow you when I was drunk or something? This is more my problem. I'm sorry. Awkward.

Your name is @BrendanGahan and you mostly just post surf videos with the word "epic" or "gnar" attached to it. Just kidding, Brendan. I love you. #insidejoke #hashtag

(The writer acknowledges that more than 120% of these insights are probably things he has done or will do in the future, and in some cases, was even using multiple iterations of things he was making fun in one insight so as to make an ironic point of how he is part of the nerdy internet problem he is trying to write a humorous post about. Please get the joke, Internet. Please.)

 

Things that are difficult to do without a girlfriend.

Play Jenga. It's really anticlimactic when you play yourself. Go to a farmer's market on a Sunday. Seriously, go without a cute girl. "Yeah, just pickin' up my organic blueberries. You, uh…you come to this...stand…often?" It's like a really, really refined creepy.

Pronounce words like acai, or have any idea what that is. For some reason, girls just know these things. Like they grew up, got a "smell amazing" kit and learned how to pronounce fruits with strange accent marks in their spelling.

Figure out if it's "it's" or "its" in that one sentence you just wrote. Because everyone has their grammatical achilles heel. And couches don't know the difference when you ask. Also, see what I did there? I hope so.

Watch Sex and the City. Yeah. I think it's a good show. And when you own these DVD's and you're a male living alone, a lot of questions start coming into play. A lot. And I dare you to watch it on Netflix. Oh, I dare you. Just pray that it doesn't make suggestions for you after that. "That's so weird that Netflix recommends other shows about women that only women would watch, I usually only watch action films where things explode and people die. Strange." (FUCK YOU, JUDGMENTAL GUY. DID YOU KNOW THAT ROGER STERLING FROM MAD MEN WAS ON IT? YEAH. HE WAS. AND HE WAS GREAT.) (OH, AND I REALLY LIKE THE CHARACTER STEVE. HE IS A NICE PERSON.)

Fart on accident. Because your television doesn't care when you do. And that first time that you do around someone you're dating is always sorta funny: turns out both of you have a butt.

Rationalize going to Bed Bath and Beyond on a sunday to buy throw pillows. To be fair…they really brought the apartment together. 

See if your bald spot is growing. For some reason, taking a picture of the top of your head is wildly depressing. Especially when you forget to delete it and then someone looks through your phone and finds pictures of the top of your head…that you took. That's worse than like, midget porn.

Stay in. For some reason, the only rational reasons for staying in on a Friday or Saturday night are: you're dying, you're working, you're working while dying, or you're in a relationship.

Argue with a girlfriend. Which, face it…though sort of miserable sometimes, there's always the fun part where you pretend nothing was ever wrong and then you think she smells of cinnamon again and you want to buy a dog named Bob with her, because wouldn't it be funny if you got a dog and gave it a human name? "You hungry, Bob?" Just sorta sounds like some dude who lives at your house.

Wear a scarf. Because if you wear a scarf and no one likes it, I just assume you can say that "fill in the blank name of my future girlfriend" liked it, so I wore it for her. And then casually take it off when no one is really looking.

Wear hilarious two person costumes on halloween that require a male and a female. Can you do this with a friend? Sure. But…look. I was Cookie and Gerry Fleck with a girl one year. And let's just say the "in character" shots and prep of it were enough to wife someone up. Because someone who's willing to publicly embarrass themselves for you and be completely and totally blind to the fact that it's happening in the process? That's love.

Watch Disney movies that you know the lyrics to…and sing them. You know what? No. Forget that. If you can't accept that I like the song Under the Sea, you're a bad person and I will treat you like a pedophile: please stay at least 1,000 feet away from me.

Tie a tie. Because I still don't know how to do that. And I will look forward to the day that I can go to big boy events because my girlfriend teaches me how to do this in the mirror. So that I can not comprehend it. But at least it'll be endearing.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 52: It's Okay For Guys To Watch Sex and the City Because The Word "Sex" Is In The Title.

Stream the whole thing at the link above.

Or.

Download the entire thing in adorable little MP3′s right here.

It's time to go back to the future, motherf*%#ker

When my friend Ryan and I heard that Nike was finally making the shoes Marty wears in Back To The Future 2, our heads exploded. Then we were bummed out that there was no way we were going to get a pair, because they are only auctioning 1,500 pair. Then we got a plan. This is our craigslist ad below.

--

SUBJECT: It's time to go back to the future, motherf*%#ker

Guess what: the future is finally here and Nike made those badass shoes that Marty McFly wears in Back To The Future 2.

Guess what: there are only 1,500 pair that are going to be auctioned. So, they are unaffordable for anyone you and I know (you're on craigslist, so don't argue that), and the only people wearing them are going to be "that d-bag who made a startup missing a letter in the word who got a round of funding for an app that's going to fail in 3 months."

Fuck that.

It's time to go back to the future, mothefucker.

We want people as nerdy as us to go in on the ultimate nerd timeshare: part ownership in a pair of shoes that will do the opposite of getting you laid, but totally get you TONS of high fives from other nerds:

My friend and I want to create a strong enough bid to get a pair of the Air Mag's in the eBay auction.

Imagine going to a bowling alley and dropping one of those puppies on the counter and being like, "you got anything in a LACELESS SIZE 10 1/2 YO?" BAM. I'M NOT MESSING AROUND (Drops Gray's Sports Almanac like the mic, walks away).

Here is some criteria.

- You should probably be between a size 10 and 11. To be fair, this sh*t is from the future and laces itself, so it's probably better to have a smaller foot than a larger one if you don't fit the criteria, because we figure it'd be like BAM, size 9? We can adjust to that.

- We're not looking for the $1 "haha that's cute, i'm in!" bidders. Hell no. Be serious. Bring like, $200 bucks to the table or nothing. This is a time share, so you're gonna get these shoes for a little bit of the year and then mail them along to the next Marty McFly. If 52 people gave $200, that's about a $10,000 bid. So if we won, we'd all get them for about a week of the year, which would probably be the coolest week of your life.

- Ability to quote BTTF 1 or 2 is a plus. 3 was kinda crap. Let's be real (only one of the founding member's opinions).

All the money from these auctions will go to Michael J. Fox's Parkinson's charity. So think of this like "Toms for Marty McFly." Plus, Elizabeth Shue was in Part 2, and she's really hot.

If you're interested, contact us at hoverboarddontworkonwater@gmail.com. If we actually get enough serious people, we'll kickstarter the shit out of this shit.

Amazingly? hoverboardSdontworkonwater@gmail.com was taken. So we know you other dorks exist.

Make like a tree and get on board. SEE WHAT WE DID THERE, BIFF TANNEN??