Goals for the age of 34.

  • I will slowly become less afraid of revolving doors at places like airports. Why am I afraid of them you ask? Great question, person. Just kidding, it's not, THEY'RE FUCKING HORRIFYING AND IF YOU GET TRAPPED IN THEM THEN WHAT, THEN YOU'RE JUST IN THAT LITTLE TRIANGLE UNTIL YOU WILL NO DOUBT DIE. 
  • I will become less hyperbolic about dying. 
  • I will become less hyperbolic about being hyperbolic, but to be honest that sounds impossible and I will never be able to do that, ever. 
  • I will begin to aggressively post pictures of a new person I am dating after a devastatingly lousy breakup, because she did it so that means I can now, because that's how being an adult works. 
  • I will stop being passive aggressive about my ex-girlfriends. 
  • Fuck you Heather, no one likes you yet. You're still out. 
  • I will learn to enjoy bananas. This was a goal years ago that I still can't achieve. Is it phallic? Is it the mushy, who-knows-what-the-color-of-the-banana-indicates mystery of it all? I don't know, guys. I just don't know. 
  • I will take my dog on more walks. 
  • I will buy a backpack that I can carry my dog to work in on my bike.
  • I will consider the bike rides with the dog in the dog backpacks "walks". Sorry, Walter. 
  • I will do 10 pull-ups a day.
  • Okay 8.
  • Probably more like 3 if I can.
  • I'll install a pull up bar. I know that, at least. That's a start. That'll get me there. Probably. 
  • I'll exercise. Okay? I'll exercise. 
  • I will treat my kid like a superhero and dress him in clothes that make him feel like Batman. Then, when he can talk, I'll get a flashlight that makes the bat signal and I will display it on the ceiling above his crib from time to time, and then I'll create fake crimes for him to solve where I dress up elaborately as arch-villains he must stop. 
  • I will learn how to tie a tie. I'm 34 and my step-dad still has to tie my ties. Jesus fucking christ, Drew. Jesus. 
  • I will spell the word color "colour" just to throw people off. 
  • I will learn a fact that is outstanding about an obscure animal and throw it out casually in conversation, like the fact that the blue-footed booby have distinctive bright blue feet, which is a sexually selected trait. Males display their feet in an elaborate mating ritual by lifting their feet up and down while strutting before the female. Surprised you didn't know that.
  • I will stop buying succulents because no YOU'RE a liar, they all die all the time.
  • I will finally get to the bottom of how to spell the shortening of the term "the usual", because it keeps me up at night. 
  • I will let go of friends who are lying liars and never liked me all that much it seems. 
  • I bet you're wondering, is that you? Am I talking about you? Maybe I am.
  • (Probably not. But maybe...)
  • I will stop swearing so much.
  • Fuck.
  • Shit.
  • Fuckshit.
  • I will buy less things. Just in general. 
  • Except for that t-shirt, I need that t-shirt. 
  • And that poster. 
  • Oooh! A new duvet. 
  • Fuck.
  • Shit.
  • Fuckshit.
  • I will walk up to a stranger at least twice and yell "Karen?!?" just to see if it's actually a Karen. If that worked one time, wouldn't we become best friends? I've gotta believe we would. I've got two shots at this, so wish me luck. 
  • I will stop telling my child that his feet came from a robot factory.
  • (They did, Oliver. You have robot feet. It's just true.)
  • I will drink less coffee. 
  • I will drink tea! 
  • Wait tea is awful. It's like the color beige of the food world. 
  • I will drink coffee. Just moderately. 
  • I will laugh and cry all at once, shooting something out of my nose. 
  • I will learn to climb. She likes climbing. I can do this.
  • I will learn to camp. She likes camping. I can do this. 
  • I will just be me and she will appreciate it. She can do that. I think. 
  • I will remember that I'm 34. It's hard to remember how old I am these days, so this is oddly a lofty goal. 
  • I will learn to dance better. 
  • Just kidding, I won't. But I'll dance the fuck out of places. 
  • Oops, I swore. 
  • I will get my child to believe that blueberries come from asteroids in the sky when god sneezes. It will make absolutely no sense and he'll probably believe me, which will be the best part. God, kids are awesome.
  • I will not rush into things.
  • She should meet my parents. 
  • I will not rush into things. 
  • Maybe I should quit my job and go travel the world. 
  • I will not rush into things.
  • I will become the world's greatest climber. She likes climbing.
  • I will not rush into things OH WHO CARES SHE'S GREAT. 
  • I will try harder to not crash cars. That seems to be a problem. 
  • I will try hard not to swear in front of my kid.
  • Why do I still have problems with swearing at the age of 34? That's so juvenile. 
  • Fuck, man. It's gonna be a great year. 
  • Fuck.
  • Shit.
  • Fuckshit.

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.